awakening.
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: Bush- Straight No Chaser
"Drink life straight - no chaser"

So I have not fallen completely on my ass as predicted. So time to stop waiting for it to happen and actually start kicking life in the ass again. I think I'm finally coming out of the slump. It's time to decide what I'm doing with myself. How my life is going to fit my philosophy, while still doing what I want to do. That's my project. And for now, I'm going to add in from time to time what I wrote this summer that I wanted to post and never did. I think most of it is about art.

***
Art must be evaluated, like any culture or time, in its own context. Different styles of art have differnt aims. Thus, "good: art means somethign different each time. In the case of modern art, even if it doesn't particularly appeal to some temperaments, it can be good if it achieves its purpose and modern art does this in its goal of abstraction. (Part of an ongoing effort to defent modern art)

***
"Dreams are seldom what they seem. Sacrifice everything you know you love, the dream entices you to give yourself away. Sacrifice everything you know you love, you miss the things you hated long ago." -Pulse Ultra, Build Your Cages

I keep hoping that my relating to these lyrics won't be a self fulfilling prophesy.
As I put much thought into the prospects of starting a band next year, I want to start working on not only skill but finding my own style as well. I think, however, I will be heavily influenced by Tool and A Perfect Circle (no shit). Tool's cosmic feel and focus onfmentality is very appealing while APC's streamlined bass riffs, being simple and beautiful and at the same time interesting and driving, give me some sense of what I wish to create. What I like most about them however, is that theyre not only good and heavy but intelligent. Truely intelligent.
I really hope I can find other musicians that are into the same kind of music as I am.
My head continues to go between art and music and I hope to find a way for them to correspond.

***
Things aren't always what they seem. Modern art has a purpose. Most pits at metal shows are some of the friendliest places ever. It doesnt' have to make sense in order to have meaning.
These statements may make some of you say "huh?" but they're all true. I've been reading a history of western culture, and noticing how rationality creeps in more and more and society makes less and less sense in a bad way. Though many good things have come of this, it is obvious we;re losing a lot on the way. The two that bother me the most are community and intuition. Some may argue that family is being lost, but I prefer the word community. The smae issue has repercussions on many scales.
While moshing at a Slipknot concert, the singer, while inciting what he hopes to be the wildest, biggest circle pit he's seen (To which he later exclaimed "kick my ass" because Maine's hardcore like that) he sets the tone for the pit: "If you see someone fall, pick them up." Yes, while metal shows are rowdy as all hell, they have the best sense of community that I can remember experiencing. Everyone is there to have a good time, people talk between sets, help each other out when it gets rought and rock out like hell's ascending. It's a shame that everyday experiences don't feel like that. That people generally don't high-five the stranger standing next to them, don't pick randome people up when they're down. In some places, I imagine, some people don't know they're neighbors. It seems that the electronic/ information age is lacking a friendly face. Families get torn apart more often, which is no surprise if a general sense of community is lacking. Many people try to give prescriptive advise for the family problem - no pre-marital sex, no pre-nuptial vows, etc. but I'm not convinced that these do much in general. It hink the focus is in the wrong place. Perhaps we should all be metalheads.
In reading The History of Heavy Metal, I reallized that heavy metal and abstract art have something in common. They're based more on intuition than rationality. In fact I've heard the claim that th purpose of abstract art is to bring back the intuition we've lost. Though this doesn't completely justify abstract art, or justify some of it at all, it's a good point to think about.
As much as the Party is about rationalizing, well, everything, it shouldn't be at the expense of intuition, and it seems that it may be something that society is lacking as a whole. Thus some people need to see a literal image that means something when they look at art. Others need to be told, and sold on, why something is bad before they realize it. It falls in with the community problem. People need a reason to be nice to each other, which is ridiculous. It seems to me that this should be one's first reaction. And I don't mean that in a naieve, get-yourself-raped kind of way. I mean that in a be-decent-and-respectful-to-those-around-you kind of way. Though I'm certainly not one of the morally superior, I figure if *I'm* horrified, ib my accepting nature, at how things are, there definately is a problem. Coming from one kind of people and being thrown into a world that's completely diifferent in many different ways,I'm noting the contrast. Though it doesn't stand for all, in general I find the people at home more friendly and there's a stronger, more consistent sense of community. And that's not something that's because I grew up there. It's someting I sense through most of Maine. People here are simpler though. They work hard and try to live best they can. Whout time to rationalize about it, they rely on some sort of intuition and sense of community. Though religion does have somewhat of a hand in this, it's not particularly true of most of my generation. As much as I hate to be such a pessimist about modernity (I'll leave that to Steve) perhaps our advancements do have a negative toll on society. Though class warfare has always been around, our age seems to put a different face on it. Though I'd love to offer some sort of solution, I can't. But I can suggest that all should be friendly metalheads. Cause that would just be cool.

What it all comes down to.
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: some classical music in the store
What is all comes down to is that I want to spend the rest of my life near a body of water where I can watch the sunset and paint the landscape. I want the quiet tranquility, and somehow want the peace of mind to fully enjoy it.

I'm almost thinking I should do the unthinkable and play the housewife afterall.



Nah.

TMI Time!
hot mill + 18 hours + steel toe boots + lotsa walking = really stinky feet. Just thought you'd like to know :-)

busy busy
this week: monday 6am to 6pm mill
tuesday 6 am to 6 pm mill
wednesday 6 am to 6 pm mill
thursday 6pm to 6 am mill
friday 5:30 - 10:30 restaurant
saturday 6pm- 1(?)am restaurant
sunday 10:30 am to 5(?) pm restaurant
(+ the Foire Brayonne and St. Agatha Summerfest festivals I'm going to try to hit up after work)
next week:
monday 6 pm to 6 am
tuesday 6am to noon, 6pm to 6 am
wednesday 6 pm to 6 am
thursday 7 am (ish) Leave for Portland for the weekend. (which means shopping, partying and trying to get a hold of a tv to watch the x games.)


o_0

WorldView
In the tradition of PI, I feel the need to state my current assumptions about the world:

- There is an ultimate truth, but our human imperfection keeps us from knowing or understand it. However, the search and attempt to find the truth is what gives meaning to our existence.

-All religions, philosophy, and science etc, point towards the general direction of the truth.

-Man lives within nature, an eco-system. Nature isn't refined to trees and fields - this involves the natural universe, etc.

-Mathematics may very well be the closest we have to a universal language. It is also the only non-subjective language.

-Hierarchy of expression - thought, action, visual, writeen, spoken.

-Government has exceeded its purpose.

-The age of rationality has all but erased our intuition, which may be more valuable.
(This may be attempted to be relieved by such forces as modern art, metal music, and david lynch-style movies)

-Man's greatest humiliation is the rediculous and arrogant struggle for order.

ADDitional Disorders
I have ADD. Really. And it's getting worse. I can't sit still without having to do something. I'm too used to being really busy.

Matt. I know you read this once in a while. WTf. you're never online. you need to tell me how to get you your dvds back.
how are things man?

It's been a while.
Headbanging to Mudvayne on the ride back from work at six in the morning is priceless.
I was reading an info sheet on the tell tale signs of drunk driving last night and realized that that is how I normally drive. Drifting over the yellow line, random and sporratic breaking and accelerating, forgetting to stop at stop signs, etc. Go figure.

I was reading Stephen Hawking's Illustrated Theory of Everything tonight and I realized that although he might know his cosmology and physics, his grasp on philosophy is a bit off:
"...the idea that God might want to change his mind" (various problems with this, and it's slightly irrelevant, but moving on) "is an example of the fallacy, point out by St. Augustine, or imagining God as a being existing in time. Tim eis a property of the universe that God created." (right, sounds good so far) "Presumably, He knew what He intended when He set it up." This makes me think he totally missed the point of God being out of time, not just correct in the first place. Oh well. It was a pretty cool book in the first place, and inspired me on how to finish off my quarter-sleeve tattoos.

The night shift is fun. Last night was my night off so I stayed up all night and painted at four in the morning. Had it not been so cold I would have gone outside, but either way it was glorious.

Here are some notes from the past few nights.

or rather just the previous night cause I lost the one before that.

6/20, 5am - In a book I recently read, conservatism was defined in part by the tendacny to take history into account for current decisions. After reading some history of heavy metal and reliving the days of the PMRC and other censorship movements it has come to my attention that these conservatives should learn from the past indeed and realize that their tactics, well, suck.
Basing arguments on not facts but whatever arguements they wish, distorting lyrics, claiming occult influence, satanism - depicted as atrocious behavior and rituals that the Catholic church itself made up - and making up the presence of subliminal messaging, the claimed to want to "protect the youth". These movements seek to censor and alienate youth culture by straight out lying.
What worries me most is that these people could be doing something positive with their time. Once their "youth" realizes that these scares are all just a lie, who's to say why they should believe anything else that the "adult moral majority" has to say, especially when they blatantly expressed disinterest and even repulsion towards what the youth have to say.
Now I consider myself somehwere in the middle fo conservatism and liberalism. Lately, eco-anarchy has my attention. But learning from the past is a good tactic indeed, and in many cases we can see for sure how things should not be done. In other news - Mudvayne's bassist rocks. Dig is my current favorite example.

*squeals of laughter*
*biggest sigh of relief in the world* *followed by a squeal of mischievous laughter*

I had something else to say but I forgot.
I've been much less restless since I've been back up. It's going to be a great summer.

I'm feeling pretty good tonight. In the day I've enjoyed church, steak and good alcohol., woohoo

Sonny and Steve. The G(r)eek Duo.

Home?
So I've been waiting all year to be back for a substantial amount of time. To be back "home". And now it just feels weird. It doesn't even feel like home, at least not yet. I feel like an intruder, like I shouldn't be back, like I'm getting in the way somehow. Hopefully I'm just being paranoid and things will feel better in a few days. But for now, I can't help but feel extremely nervous about it and be afraid of what the summer might be like.

Oh well, I guess I'll just have to wait and see.