New Year, Back to the Basics.
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Pantera - Cowboys from Hell
So I now understand how it's going to happen. I'll be on something one night and I'll see a spider and freak out. That'll be my downfall.

So last semester's lifestyle worked. Better than last year had. That's unbelievable. I'm thinking it's probably a fluke, but I think I'm now determined to make it happen again. Now I just want to play twice as hard.

We'll see.

The Nap is Over.
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: Pearl Jam - Black (well, it's playing in my head at least)
The resting period has come to an end. I don't feel lazy anymore. I feel the need to attack the world once more. This semester was necessary. I needed a break, and needed to let things come to me rather than forcing myself to work towards them. I regret that some things suffered because of this need. I had an opportunity to do something great, to be a great Chief Whip for the Party of the Right, and didn't take full advantage of it. I can only hope to make up for it. It seems odd to mention a role in an organization, but it's not the organization that matters. It is only a necessary structure to what is really important - what we do. The "intellectual persuit" (I need to find a better word) the relentless pushing, the leading, the search for truth in an applicable manner. I think I'm back to a place where I can really take this on again. I've realized what is important to me and what I need to do. I've spent the semester "letting go" and putting in minimal effort, and have come to understand the things that matter most to me. And where some of my greatest weaknesses lay.
Something disturbed me this weekend enough to inspire me. In the context it was stated, it resembled a line like "the party project isn't for everyone." In actual terms, because I'm more interested in how it all applies to people outside the party, it means one can't push everyone. Not everyone is either worth pushing or can handle being pushed. Thus we shouldn't try.
I think that's bullshit and very dangerous. If we only lead people who come willingly and already understand the importance of being pushed and being relentless, then we're not really getting anywhere. I have a few friends that I want desperately to unleash the project on. I think they need to be pushed. It would be greatly beneficial to them and I think would be exactly what they need. They are capable of it and want to bring it to them. It's time to bring back what I've lost, and bring it back in version 5.3 style.

Jesse - we need a messageboard. We really do.

Democracy now?
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Semper Fidelis - John Philip Sousa
Many aren't happy with the outcome of the elections on Tuesday. Neither am I, but I wasn't going to be either way. I'm horrified, however, at how people lose perspective in these circumstances.

Last night the Yale Political Union had a debate on the topic "Resolved: American has made a great mistake." While some people brought up the point that this is what happens when you have democracy - the majority wins and the minority may be less than happy, but as far as our system works, this is not a mistake but at the most an unfortunate outcome. Others pointed out that the democrats should have had a decent candidate to start with. Both were good points.
However, many seem to be going to more of an extreme over this. This extreme, moreso than disagreement over the president, is what will divide the country. Previously we had the t-shirts claiming "not my president" which were less than effective but still showed a scary sentiment. Just because you don't agree with the outcome of a democratic procedure you're going to refute the system altogether? It seems immature to merely be a sore loser. You don't have to agree with Bush, I certainly don't on many issues. But at the end of the day, he is the president. That's the way it is. Many claimed last night that people voted on the wrong issues. That their votes were uninformed, made for the wrong reasons, or just plain bad. There's a problem with that. I'm horrified at the attitude on the left that claim "the American people are clearly not qualified to make a decent decision" when we spend so much time fighting for voting rights for all. So suddenly we want everyone to vote - as long as they vote with us? Suddenly we need to decide for people which issues should matter most to them?
Many are quick to point to the gay marriage and abortion issues as reasons why religious Americans voted for Bush and claim that these Americans ignored foreign policy, budget expenses, etc. "People should not vote based on religion."
That's sad. While I agree that religion should not play a big part in politics, i.e. not passing laws based only on religious merit, many of these issues can be grounded in things not religious. If whether or not we're allowed to have abortions is more important to the family down the road than foreign policy is, then let them vote based on that issue. Ideally, Americans will vote based on many issues. And I still think they do. The claim that most Americans voted only based on religious issues is lame and ungrounded. While I'm not happy with four years of Bush, it was clear from the beginning that the Democratic party did not try hard enough for something they seemingly felt so strongly about. They put up a weak candidate, made a poor attempt at getting him elected, and *shocker shocker* lost. And now, many are whining like babies that its unfair and trying to place blame anywhere but themselves. While being politically moderate myself, I usually end up seeing both sides and conceding that both have partial truth (or are both blatantly wrong, depending on the issue) but in this case, I can't seem to help but look at the left and feel a bit disgusted. It seems at this point the thing to do is try to work with the system and get done what we think needs to be done instead of complaining and trying to say the system failed.

New York here I come?
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Harry Richman, Puttin' on the Ritz
So I heard back from the super cool internship I applied to and they said it's looking good for me to go work next semester. I'm really excited. It pays a stipend plus housing allowance and I can probably get a second job. So it seems that I may end up in NYC next semester. woot.
So I was checking out apartments - there are some pretty nice furnished ones. Though they're all in the 1700-2000/mo range. I'm not sure what ABC considers "reasonable". If one of those apartments are considered "reasonable", holy fuck I'm in heaven. I want to live in the East Village (though I'm not sure what that even means.)
So I'm kind of excited, keeping my mind on the end of the tunnel. I need out, and this seems like a reasonable way to do it for a semester - if I can make it happen. Hmm. I'll have to wait and see I guess.

wow.
Now Playing: jeremiah freed- again
I want out. But at the same time, I don't.

I'm having dinner with the bassist and drummer from the Talking Heads next week. That's pretty crazy.

This makes me want to cry.
Now Playing: some compilation.
http://www.deviantart.com/view/10890666/

wow.
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: chevelle - take thy hand
I need to go to the ocean.


amendment:

http://www.deviantart.com/view/2023315/

I need to drive on an open road for a few hours and then go to the ocean. Anyone want to take me to Beverly or Mystic?

indirection.
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Seven Mary Three - Cumbersome
I refuse to sit still. I refuse to be stable, steady, unchanging. What's exciting to me about life is that there's always something new going on, you're always feeling different about things. This summer kind of scared me into thinking that maybe I wanted to settle down after all. But what it really comes down to is that I don't want to fuck up for precisely the reason that I don't want to have to sit still. I want the liberty to "run wild" so to speak. My aversion to marriage comes from just that - my being incredulous that (and even now having been single for a while I'm starting to view relationships in general in this way) being with someone would not tie me down. I refuse to be bogged down, especially while I'm young. I'm not quite sure where this need for space and freedom and energy comes from, but I'm fine with saying that it's my nature and that's the way things are. I can't stand when people try to rationalize everything, and it's becomming apparant to me that a lot of people talk themselves into things they don't truely feel is right, that they're not passionate about. It changes how you talk about things - the difference between being passionate or not. I don't want limits, I don't want reason, I don't want to settle. I want to "grab life by the horns" so to speak. And I think lately what has kept me from that is having seen people who tried to do just that having turned out not so happy. But I don't think this is necessarily an indicator of the lifestyle. Either way, I don't think I have much choice in the matter.

awakening.
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: Bush- Straight No Chaser
"Drink life straight - no chaser"

So I have not fallen completely on my ass as predicted. So time to stop waiting for it to happen and actually start kicking life in the ass again. I think I'm finally coming out of the slump. It's time to decide what I'm doing with myself. How my life is going to fit my philosophy, while still doing what I want to do. That's my project. And for now, I'm going to add in from time to time what I wrote this summer that I wanted to post and never did. I think most of it is about art.

***
Art must be evaluated, like any culture or time, in its own context. Different styles of art have differnt aims. Thus, "good: art means somethign different each time. In the case of modern art, even if it doesn't particularly appeal to some temperaments, it can be good if it achieves its purpose and modern art does this in its goal of abstraction. (Part of an ongoing effort to defent modern art)

***
"Dreams are seldom what they seem. Sacrifice everything you know you love, the dream entices you to give yourself away. Sacrifice everything you know you love, you miss the things you hated long ago." -Pulse Ultra, Build Your Cages

I keep hoping that my relating to these lyrics won't be a self fulfilling prophesy.
As I put much thought into the prospects of starting a band next year, I want to start working on not only skill but finding my own style as well. I think, however, I will be heavily influenced by Tool and A Perfect Circle (no shit). Tool's cosmic feel and focus onfmentality is very appealing while APC's streamlined bass riffs, being simple and beautiful and at the same time interesting and driving, give me some sense of what I wish to create. What I like most about them however, is that theyre not only good and heavy but intelligent. Truely intelligent.
I really hope I can find other musicians that are into the same kind of music as I am.
My head continues to go between art and music and I hope to find a way for them to correspond.

***
Things aren't always what they seem. Modern art has a purpose. Most pits at metal shows are some of the friendliest places ever. It doesnt' have to make sense in order to have meaning.
These statements may make some of you say "huh?" but they're all true. I've been reading a history of western culture, and noticing how rationality creeps in more and more and society makes less and less sense in a bad way. Though many good things have come of this, it is obvious we;re losing a lot on the way. The two that bother me the most are community and intuition. Some may argue that family is being lost, but I prefer the word community. The smae issue has repercussions on many scales.
While moshing at a Slipknot concert, the singer, while inciting what he hopes to be the wildest, biggest circle pit he's seen (To which he later exclaimed "kick my ass" because Maine's hardcore like that) he sets the tone for the pit: "If you see someone fall, pick them up." Yes, while metal shows are rowdy as all hell, they have the best sense of community that I can remember experiencing. Everyone is there to have a good time, people talk between sets, help each other out when it gets rought and rock out like hell's ascending. It's a shame that everyday experiences don't feel like that. That people generally don't high-five the stranger standing next to them, don't pick randome people up when they're down. In some places, I imagine, some people don't know they're neighbors. It seems that the electronic/ information age is lacking a friendly face. Families get torn apart more often, which is no surprise if a general sense of community is lacking. Many people try to give prescriptive advise for the family problem - no pre-marital sex, no pre-nuptial vows, etc. but I'm not convinced that these do much in general. It hink the focus is in the wrong place. Perhaps we should all be metalheads.
In reading The History of Heavy Metal, I reallized that heavy metal and abstract art have something in common. They're based more on intuition than rationality. In fact I've heard the claim that th purpose of abstract art is to bring back the intuition we've lost. Though this doesn't completely justify abstract art, or justify some of it at all, it's a good point to think about.
As much as the Party is about rationalizing, well, everything, it shouldn't be at the expense of intuition, and it seems that it may be something that society is lacking as a whole. Thus some people need to see a literal image that means something when they look at art. Others need to be told, and sold on, why something is bad before they realize it. It falls in with the community problem. People need a reason to be nice to each other, which is ridiculous. It seems to me that this should be one's first reaction. And I don't mean that in a naieve, get-yourself-raped kind of way. I mean that in a be-decent-and-respectful-to-those-around-you kind of way. Though I'm certainly not one of the morally superior, I figure if *I'm* horrified, ib my accepting nature, at how things are, there definately is a problem. Coming from one kind of people and being thrown into a world that's completely diifferent in many different ways,I'm noting the contrast. Though it doesn't stand for all, in general I find the people at home more friendly and there's a stronger, more consistent sense of community. And that's not something that's because I grew up there. It's someting I sense through most of Maine. People here are simpler though. They work hard and try to live best they can. Whout time to rationalize about it, they rely on some sort of intuition and sense of community. Though religion does have somewhat of a hand in this, it's not particularly true of most of my generation. As much as I hate to be such a pessimist about modernity (I'll leave that to Steve) perhaps our advancements do have a negative toll on society. Though class warfare has always been around, our age seems to put a different face on it. Though I'd love to offer some sort of solution, I can't. But I can suggest that all should be friendly metalheads. Cause that would just be cool.

What it all comes down to.
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: some classical music in the store
What is all comes down to is that I want to spend the rest of my life near a body of water where I can watch the sunset and paint the landscape. I want the quiet tranquility, and somehow want the peace of mind to fully enjoy it.

I'm almost thinking I should do the unthinkable and play the housewife afterall.



Nah.