My Out of Control Self
I feel like I'm the child disobeying the babysitter...who happens to be myself as well.

It has become apparant that I won't really put all too much effort into my studies...but I still keep faith and hope to try. Maybe. Just maybe. Also, I've come up with yet another tentative plan....Anthropolgy and International Studies...and using all my remaining credit space to learn italian, spanish, and german. And yes I realize I should capitalize those. My original excuse was that I'm lazy but now I'm spending all the extra effort to explain that. I dunno.

Those kids that came by the art gallery today attend a program called Pathways...and I realize now that I've always wanted to volunteer at such a program. So I'm looking into it, though I can't fathom when I'd have any time whatsoever. What am I trying to do to myself? I hope I don't eventually end up overloading and fucking up everything. We'll see. I guess it's just a matter of seeing just how much I can do just barely short of crashing....but isn't that what caused the biggest meltdown at a nuclean powerplant? something to keep in mind I guess....

I really wish someone with all the answers would read this and be all knowing and tell me what the deal was. Though I'm not convinced there is such a person, I just don't want to put in the effort of figuring it out on my own...not to mention the inplied risk...but it seems it's the way things are going.

Ever Thirsting Curiosity
My main deal with people, especially now since mostly everyone I encounter is either someone I'm meeting for the first time or someone I know very little about anyways, is that I'm so profoundly curious about who they are. I just want to get to know everyone extremely well. From the random people that stop in at the museum store (some kids that seem really cool came in today) to the random people I converse with on the street on the way to who knows where. From the people I have a nice dinner conversation with to the people in my entryway that I don't really get to see barely at all.

It seems to me that everyone has a story to tell, a unique insight, a distinct personality....something to share, something worth sharing. And mostly every time I meet someone I wish I could spend the time to really get to know them, which is absurd ifyou really think about it. It's impossible, unrealistic. But it's there nonetheless.

With this also comes the wanting to "get a taste of everything". And I guess that the former really roots from the latter. And although I'm now in an environment that is nothing like anything I could have experienced before, and opens up so many opportunities to experience a ton of things I haven't and in some cases risk not being able to do so anyway - it still seems like I'm not doing enough. And although the aspect that I'm here for - learning about so many different things and quenching, or attempting to lighten, an intellectual thirst, I feel it ties me down too much to do all the other things I want to do. But I suppose the only way I'll ever effectually get anywhere with my desires of knowledge and experience is through patience and actually learning a certain thing before moving on. Still, I hope I don't lose this want of everything too soon. I want to do so many things...I want to travel and meet a million random people and see a thousand beautiful places. I want to explore nature more than I've ever done previously. I want to eventually know how I want to live, and how to balance out all my extremes and contradictions. But it seems that this path can only lead to mediocrity in everything. Surely there must be a way to be good, or great even, in something while allowing the room for exploration of everything? I'm just not sure what that is. I'm just not sure how I can be on a perpetual road trip while having a stable home. I'm not sure how I can keep a sparadic and everflowing variety while delving into a passion. I'm hoping someday I'll find that answer. Until then...well, I guess I'll do my best and keep going the way I am now and keep searching.

And with that, a word defending my neglect of this blob. I have a lot to write. I have scribbles indicating what I want to write in my notebooks. I'm at work right now. Tonight, hopefully, I will write all that needs to be recorded - I'm feeling chatty...or rather, I feel like writing. Slowly, I will be writing again as I used to in my previous days. Perhaps at some point I'll become thoughtful and full of ideas again. For now, I'll pretend I actually have something work related to do...

Having a Day
I'm overthinking again. I went to two shows this weekend and I should be happy. But no. Actually, I usually feel awkward coming back to the campus after being out and about, but last night it was different. I came back to a good conversation and a random 12 pm game of chess. Unexpected, but it was a good thing. So at least there was that, aside from a really good show.

It feels that I am between two worlds. It is beginning to feel that I am so in between that I no longer belong to either one, which causes great discomfort. It seems that I should find an in between - which seems impossible.

I had a conversation about music last night, and it got me thinking about how my perspective shifts from time to time. I was asked why I listened to music, and they in turn gave me an answer that I would have given previously. Instead, my own answer was something new that I realize now I only partially agree with. It also reflects my current academic interests and perhaps social interests as well. I am more concerned with technical, useful skill at the moment than the sheer beauty and meaning that I used to clutch so tightly too. I realize that I haven't gone completely in the other direction, and that I will return to the former love of beauty and such with greater appreciation with the skill and technical appreciation I am gaining at the moment, but it still strikes me as odd. Go figure.

Also, my taste in music a subconscious attempt to make up for my surroundings. My taste for heavier, more technically skilled music is something that has always been around, but never so completely as now. It is because my surroundings lack this aesthetic. The more simple, softer, beautiful, whatever else music fits this surrounding better and it seems I don't crave it quite as often only because I am not lacking that vibe quite as much. I suppose it's an explanation of sorts.

Some drawings as well as hopefully body art will be posted tonight, assuming I'll have the time. It seems school provides me with enough time fillers and that the environment sucks up the rest of my time so free time to do whatever I please isn't always an option.

Either way, good day.

Another weird weekend.
I hung out with "townies" on Thursday, and it was so refreshing that it was depressing to be stuck here. Although I did get to leave New Haven for the weekend, the last time until Turkey Break...which is a ways off. But at that point I'll be going to see A Perfect Circle, which is very very exciting.
For now, Aristotle has me completely wound up because I truely enjoy his work, especially in contrast to Plato, and few others seem to agree. Perhaps this week I'll actually speak in class. Perhaps not.
I put up pictures of my living arrangements on the site. It's on the heard page, so I'm sure you've seen it if you got this far.
Either way, I must be off, things to do. My week is packed, yet I'm still making time for a tattoo and some bass (I have my Samick and my Behringer amp down here finally so it's lots of fun). So I will leave you all with an inspirational quote from Aristotle that might be useful in justifying my putting off work:

"...when one is active about two things at once, the more pleasant activity drives out the other, and if it is much more pleasant does so all the more, so that one even ceases from the other."

Purpose/Thesis
Alright, so I decided to revive my website and to have it exist once more. That and I like to waste time, who wants to do work? Although I really need to.
I'm definately started to feel the inferiority complex I knew would eventually come along. But then again I'm not the only one going through that so I suppose it's no big deal. Just a motivation to do better work I suppose. Either way, I still crave the laid back, "learn for your own sake" hippie thing that I've become occupied with lately. In fact, I sketched it out in class today when someone mentioned a hermit as an alternative to the Republic's City of Pigs (for those of you who aren't familiar with it, its a completely totalitarianish prototype for books such as 1984 and Brave New World). So I decided it was a very pleasant idea and doodled rather than pay attenion. So here it is. For now, I'll leave you with my random notes and comments that appear in my notebooks when I zone out in class. History and Politics: "hermit vs. city of pigs - definately the hermit. he rocks." Philosophy: Status is a lie. Status is the result of uncertainty, of the inability for people to be secure and happy of their own account. Status is constructed as a false reassurance for these same people. Thus, occupation with the idea of status signifies uncertainty, unhappiness, etc?" Ever notice that the only people who think status is important at all are the people who want it?
"Can't assume people are at their peak. While ou can't be more than your capacity, you can be less. opportunity, circumstance, etc. But are people better than each other? We're looking only at one aspect of human ability. Everyone may have their strongpoint, the importance is to develope this. values - not everyone wants to be intelligent. not everyone wants to be "better" can't assume everyone is reaching for the same goal, thus you can't have a hierarchy - it's not the same scale." Is it that shocking that some Yale kids have elitist tendancies? "Why are the different occupation sin the Republic arranged by class? Why is current society this way? What makes the "upper class" better than the "lower class"? Are money and power really the only main focii of this?" ditto. "The "best" in a system build the system, thus make themselves the "best", the "good". This seems highly unaccountable." a.k.a. 'We're the best cause we said so'