.
Well, now I remember why I don't like to keep up with the news. http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=514&e=1&u=/ap/20040201/ap_on_re_mi_ea/iraq_186 Three separate groups of killings in or near Baghdad. If I understood more about the statistics involved, I might be able to come up with a number to represent how probable it is that Kurt was in or near one of these places. Hurray for that thought. Brian and Jake better never go overseas. That'll just be it.

So I'm really freaked out, in general. I feel like I have added to the bad of the world, I feel that all my intentions as a "good person" can be called into question right now and point to me just being a "complacent person" or someone who doesn't necessarily stand anywhere at all.

I've had some really good conversations this weekend, some that got me thinking and trying to see things in a clearer light, but the questions that really nag me are the observations I made on my own, what I started questioning as I observed and realized what goes on around me. I was apparantly a "lone wolf" for some of the night. As I often separate myself from conversation from time to time in order to reflect on what is currently going through my mind. A lot of people say I'm quiet and seem to suggest that perhaps I shouldn't be. I tend to think otherwise. Although it is good to talk and to test my observations on other people so they can bring forth more questions and angles I haven't thought of, it seems that I should be observing more keenly as well. To really break everything down and understand what's going on. But then again people say I over-analyze too much already.

One of the alumni brought something into perspective for me Friday night. An issue I've been thinking through for quite some time now and should have been a little simpler, he took from a quite obvious approach that I simply hadn't considered. Hurray for him. So now I'm a bit closer to fully understanding it.

But as one gets closer to being reconciled, another begins. So seems to be the state of things. It seems that at this point, I have quite a few things to consider that I'm wondering how I'm going to go about doing any of it. It seems that the intellectual pursuit along with a mass amount of homework doesn't even out to enough time spent in either direction. Regardless, I really must catch up this week, quite desperately.

This weekend was cool for another reason I just thought of. As much as I love people in the party, it seems that I could understand some of the alumni better, from the relatively little amount of time I spoke with some of them, I found myself having a bit more in common with them, at least than what I expected. I really hope to get the chance to talk more with these people, and I'm sure I will.

I need to make a list of resolutions. And to adhere to them and make sure I do what I need to be doing for the rest of the semester. Like really getting into my schoolwork and really getting it done, refining/strengthening my moral framework, figuring out exactly what I think about certain things, start trying to answer those things I've just left as blank until now. A few conversations with Zaq have been quite helpful, about religion and such and piercings. It seems like this might be an appropriate time to attempt once more to assess my theology. I gave up four years ago, but perhaps this time I have better tools to do so.

On the other hand it feels like I've turned back into one of my more spiritual cycles, not necessarily through religion or faith but through how I experience certain things, I'm more concerned about the "soul" than the physical which is the only way to truely appreciate certain things. Now the "soul" is another issue. How can one have one without the existance of god. How does one deal with morality without god as a guide. How then does the world work, how is the world structured? How are piercings a spiritual thing and how is it different than masochism? What is the reconciliation between rationality and intuition and why? Why is something moral for one person and not another? Is that possible, how does one judge such a thing? Why would one leave it alone though, if one really feels this to be the case? How does one get the most out of something for oneself as well as being able to give the most to those around you? How can one tell if they have anything to offer that other person, and to what extent is that enough? How to my views about the world and my beliefs fall into how I want to live and my beliefs of how that kind of system I wish to operate in when I'm older and forced to live life realistically? How do I find a balance between social anarchy and traditionalism? How do I reconcile seeing something as a good thing but thinking the promotion or influence towards this is bad? What do I believe, what religious context can I identify with, but also how do I make that system confortable for me? Was an alumni right about dressing up for debates? What does it mean to lean towards a system because of the structure and features it involves without actually agreeing with its foundation? How do I reconcile being somewhat of a partial citizen of two very different worlds?


And most importantly, how to do I keep from exploding in the next four years?

Modern Living
So I was looking through some political cartoons during work today. Things are bad. And really fucked up.
Americans are getting more and more overweight, but fatty/unhealthy food is more and more overwhelmingly abundant.
The music industry, in their quest to "protect intellectual property" are suffocating the ability for people to really enjoy music without spending a fortune.
A fortune they don't have due to the state of the economy, or whatever is going on. I've been told the economy is getting better, but why are things getting worse?
Bush's attention is anywhere but where it should be. Iraq, the moon, mars, whatever. What about solving problems here first before taking on even more that we obviously can't handle?
Michael Moore's statements of a "society of fear" in Bowling for Columbine don't seem like much of a stretch anymore.
There was an article, in Time I believe, last month about how people (Americans probably) are living less and less well and contentedly regardless of our supposed "progress". Seriously though, I don't think we're heading in the right direction at all. We need to learn a new (or old) way of living, we need to focus on our own well being as people rather than trying to do all these crazy things as a nation and so on. Okay, good for patriotism, but we're forgetting the individual in all this, people aren't taking care of themselves. None of us are, really.

Finally an update, finally some thoughts worth having.
Intuition vs. Rationality
So there?s this question about the split between intuition and rationality. What happens when there?s a split between the two, how does one reconcile that? More importantly is the question of not only which is greater than the other in the situation, but what happens when one is at a point where one must act or decide, or whatever the case can not wait until more insight is gained, if there is anymore to be gained, but rather must conclude. At the same time, the two conflicting views, which it seems we usually use in order to decide most things in life, rationality and intuition, conflict dramatically and equally. While one leans equally towards both, one also realizes the limits of each. Is there a third criteria in which to reference in order to make some sort of decision or conclusion, or an overarching system within which to work? Or are we solely left with these two criteria which conflict and are limited and don?t really add up to much.

New Experiences vs. Familiarity
Another situation that bothers me is familiarity. In high school I was all about wanting to get out and experience everything that didn?t exist in my small middle/lower class town. Then I came to college and did the opposite. I was very reluctant to accept any of the new things, thoughts, ideals, etc. I was being exposed to, partially in fear of losing my background and those values. In essence, where I came from, and where I am now, and possibly am heading, are so vastly different that it seems that it was either one or the other. It seems that I subconsciously came to some sort of conclusion that I could not fully expose myself to this world and still hope to retain those values that I believe(d) to be correct. Now it seems to me that I should instead seek to understand both worlds better and find a reconciliation, but also explore outside factors as well. Instead of thinking of it as one or the other, perhaps to think of it as two of many possibilities that can be combined and pieced together.

Different Modes of Living
One approach to this kind of possible solution, which I?m already planning on, is experiencing many different modes of living. I?ve done the small, rural, middle/lower class town, and now I live at an Ivy League school in a city. This summer I will live on my own with a friend, having to pay rent and food and all that, no vehicle, etc. and have to take care of myself. I would also like to go to Canada and farm for a summer, or at least live rurally enough to garden on a fairly big scale. I?d also like to go to South America and understand how people live in more primitive areas, without all the modern commodities and technologies, etc. I think this array of different living situations, mentalities, etc. will be beneficial not only in learning my own values but also learning the way in which I can best live once I must settle down, etc, which is a thing that very much concerns me. Staying in Yale, I?m concerned about not being happy with the typical Yale graduate type of life, but at the same time, I?m not fully convinced that doing things otherwise will help either. I no longer think it has much to do with living situation, but rather with mentality, and that is something that I must pursue to gain rather than wanting to hole myself into a particular place or lifestyle.

Mental Test by the Physical
At the same time, I also want to get back into body modification in a more serious way than before. Something along the ranks of suspensions etc, where much preparation is necessary and the experience itself is a test not necessarily of physical endurance, but of mental strength, etc. I think this, along with the preparation necessary and experiencing different living situations/ cultures. This will hopefully include such things as sky diving etc, so that I can push myself mentally by very physical experiences.

Thought Process.
So I've had a lot going on in the past week or so. And as much as I've thought a few times that I should take the time to write, I haven't. But I am now, when I have less to say, but will try to say something worthwhile anyway.
I've been actually thinking lately, which unfortunately is something that I forget to do sometimes. I've returned to my quest to figure out exactly what it is I believe in. I've taken the time to really be observant of the things around me.
I took the time the other night to really listen to music. Though my latest obsession is 3 Libras...a song I related to but now understand the completeness of the situation, so it's good to be aware. Situations are always interesting, and it seems that ones like these can never be simple in any manner. Oh well, perhaps someday things will make sense.
I'm starting to figure out what kind of person I want to be in life, and I'm starting to stick with plans of what I want to do a bit more now. It's a very nice feeling - to have some kind of feeling of the direction you're going in.
I'm very anxious to go home, however. I want to just go relax and life the northern maine life and read all day and play bass. Oh lovely bass.
I had more to say. I had more profound things. Last night made me realize that whatever opinions I may have, I need to make sure that they are very thought out opinions and that I feel strongly about them. I realized that there are a lot of topics that I think I have opinions on but when I really think about it, those opinions aren't really my opinions. Definately something to be aware of.
Directed Studies. I want to drop. I might not be able to. grr.
Anyways, I'll have to post when I'm feeling more inspired. This just isn't really working.

Well well.
So I'm home for a week, and it feels so good. To be around familiar people in a familiar environment once more. I really do love it up here. No city...and nature and trees and walks in the woods. Yay.
But soon I go back, for three weeks, so I suppose it's okay.
I haven't done any work this week, which means I have a fuck of a lot of work to do next week, but then it's just studying for finals and finals and then it's over for this semester. woot.
Something tells me I won't study enough for finals though...it just seems like something I would do.

But after this week of hell I'm going to play bass a lot I hope. Hasn't really happened in a while. I want to start learning stuff on guitar too.
I should start playing more formally and actually get somewhere.

So I'm giving some thought to next semester and I really don't think I should do Directed Studies anymore. As much as I would like to, and it seems pointless to have taken the first semester if I'm not going to do the seceond semester...'cause that's the stuff I really wanted to do, but it just seems like it would hold me back more and I could be taking classes that interest me a lot more. Woo...run on sentance. I was looking at the classes I would take if I didn't do D.S. and they are stuff that I really should take and really would get into...I dunno. I'll have to decide on that sometime.

So this week has had some unexpected results. Things that should be really good, but I'm still uneasy about. But hopefully they work out well...I dunno.

Going back to school is going to be very weird. Unnatural. Thank god it's only for three weeks. I really can't wait for that to be over. I'm anxious to start a new semester though. I'm tired of the classes I'm currently taking. I need something new. Which is another reason I might drop D.S. Hmm. I dunno.

I want to play bass and pleasure read like a motherfucker.

Work tonight. At my job up here. That's pretty exciting.

Religious Experience and Great Times.
Alright, so after having gotten two hours of sleep friday morning (or thursday night-extended) I seemed to think that it was an okay idea to get into the school spirit and hang out till 330 Friday night and get another two hours of sleep before rushing to make the bus and almost missing it....and forgetting to bring my cds, among other things I'm sure I have yet to notice.
So I got on the bus and came to Portland.
And A Perfect Circle played.
And it was awesome.
It was awesome, great music, great lights, great presence, great audience, the works.
But even better were the between songs antics.
Michael Jackson jokes.
James Iha's squeaky clean jokes.
Jeordie White's singing songs about the Sasquatch.
More jokes.
James Iha singing the backstreet boys song.
"Jeord forgot where we are."
"We're not in the big apple? we're not in oregon?....Portland!"
"Maine, for fuck's sake."
The after show presentation of the "Jeordie and James" show, jamming out with James on bass and Jeordie singing about the Sasquatch once more, but that was only after he decided to make some weird musical vocal sounds. And then he took over the drums for a bit. Hell yeah.
And then James walked about the stage talking for a while, telling jokes, and pseudo stories. While the crew started tearing down. So he tried to interview crew members, and they pretty much ignored him.

And the music was incredible. It really takes a live show sometimes to remind me of how much certain music means to me. I can't believe I forgot my cds....oh well. I'll rip a few from friends.

So yeah, good times. And more good times to come all week. So chances are I'll post once in a while. Woo.

I want.
Today I want to go hiking in the cold snow. Today I want to read a Jack London book. Today I want to play folk music and create new fun songs of the sort. Today I want to take an art class. Today I want to start drawing more often. Today I want to be an anthropologist.
But today I'm not getting any work done.

Interesting Evening. Good Evening.
I didn't go to the Freshman Screw yesterday. And while the people I hung out with didn't particularly care for the entire ordeal ordeal, some of them felt "left out" of everyone's grand preparations and dressing up (many tux's and such)and all that. I didn't for some reason. And in fact, I had one of the best nights I've had in a while.
Cards and Games was fun. Beer, chess, and great music. That's all one needs in life really. Oh, not to forget great conversation. Had a lot of that last night too. I was amused to have a conversation with someone about social observations in this place. I was a bit surprised to hear him agreeing with many of my own observations. His own unique observations were very interesting as well. It turned out to be a great conversation about society in general. After that came a different conversation about art and such. And that was great too. Metallica's "Whiskey in the Jar" video was dissected and overanalyzed and it was good.
That's another thing though. While philosophizing and speaking theoretically and analytically is really fun and very interesting, there seems to be a lack of balance. Yesterday, I watched a squirrel eat a nut for two minutes. I rarely find people doing that same thing...pausing and noticing little things and paying attention to beautiful details. One person mentioned that, as I looked up to study the ceiling as we were waiting for someone to get back. He commented at how he doesn't usually think to bother to stop and "look up" or notice the fine details. I think that's kind of sad in a way. Those details seem so great and important. I guess people fail to keep a sense of simplicity and simple beauty when they get so caught up in the productive lifestyle and philosophizing everything to death.
Lately I've been thinking that this balance is also off in that things are very mental but not very physical. With a picture of Machu Picchu on my computer, I can't help but think that being out in such grand nature could make you forget about your philosophizing for a while and to just be aware of yourself and your environment. I looked up at the stars the other night and couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to be among them. IF you could see them in space that is. It just seems that sometimes we surround ourselves with ideas and tasks and people so much that we forget about ourselves and our place in nature and the universe. We're so wrapped up in our everyday point of view that we don't bother to step back and "look in" for a bit. It seems to be so vital in the balance of things.
A week until vacation. I really can't wait. After that, three weeks and I'm done the semester. I really need to get all my work done, I have quite a bit of it. But I'm anxious to start my new classes. I want to take a cultural anthropology class and an astrophysics class. I think those will be very interesting. But until then, I should concentrate on getting work done and getting the most out of this semester.

A Debate and a Headache
I've been really stressed out all day over school in general and just sorta in a bad mood over it. But then I want to a Yale Political Union debate, and it made things better. The last speech really got me thinking. First of all it freaked me out because the speaker said a few things about how people in the armed forces are conditioned to be a little less human and able to kill other humans. And that really freaks me out when I think about my friends in the armed forces.

But what really got me thinking is the thought of what it means to be human. My major concern was int he case of parents trying to shelter their children. Does this preserverence of hope, faith, and positive almost idealistic perspective on humanity make them more human, at least intellectually so that they won't be encompassed in more primitive forms of living and social and possibly emotional callousness? Or is it more human to understand more fully what we can consider the "human condition" and see how people realistically live and to understand the downfalls of life? I discussed this a little with the speaker in question, trying to relate it back to his speech considering humanity and military conditioning. And he conceeded that it was rather impossible to really know either way and the question was rather unanswerable.

I'm convinced, however, that being fully human might involve a balance of both of these. Not a moderation, however, but a full understanding of both sides. To be exposed and to be aware and to understand how society really is and know all its downfalls, but to also be able to keep a faith in the good of humanity and to be hopeful for better, etc. Perhaps this is the balance I'm currently trying to achieve, as well as being a part of "both worlds" of common existence as well as intellectuality. I wonder if anything can really come of this though. More specifically, what this strive for such a balance means in reference to my life in general.

As far as that goes, by the way, I've realized that I don't really have that much of a clue. Someone asked me today if I was considering going to Grad. School, and I said I didn't really need it and wasn't really planning on it. Now it's an amusing game between a few friends of mine and I that I "change futures weekly" but I realize that most people don't know this and rather than claim to know, by stating my opinion for the moment, I should just state that I have not really found something solidly planned on. Someday I'll get it right, hopefully.

This is my blank stare of death.
If you read this, you might absorb some deadly radiation that will cause your mind to go totally blank, totally devoid of any thought or motivation. This is what happens to me Sunday nights. I lose all motivation and decide to get nothing done past 12. It doesn't help that I've been going to sleep at 11 for the past two nights and now I'm spoiled. Actually, yeah I'm going to get my reading done and go to bed around one and pretend it's good enough.