Exploding yet?
I want to do everything. But I can't do everything, and the things I do try to take on, well I still take on so many that I do things to a mediocre extent. But I don't want to take on less things. So I think this is part of my restlessness, as well as missing out on something that I know is very meaningful to me yet I can't figure out what it is.
Restlessness. And I'm starting to feel like I'm just going to explode no matter what.

But art rocks. www.devinatart.com

Redefined.
Okay, so the ultimate purpose of the blog, now completely concrete in its conviction, is merely to preserve certain ideas for myself in order to go back to them, as is everything I record and keep, as the front page of the site says, as my college application says. And it no longer necessarily makes sense to anyone else. I'm fine with that.

Someone mentioned yesterday that usually you can get some sort of impression of what a person thinks of you when you talk to them or get to know them etc. It struck me then and it strikes me now....no. I don't get such impressions off of people in generally. I really can't tell what people think about me. And though I'm not generally too concerned, it would be nice to get some sort of notion. Hmm...how peculiar.

Reflection on the Importance of Nature
Not that this is conclusive or anything, but I truely seem to believe that nature is conducive to general well being and to peace of mind. To physically remove yourself from "society" and spend time alone or with a single person, perhaps two at the most, just looking around that what is not a human constuct but naturally there and beautiful and in tune. To just gather ones thoughts (cheesy, I know, bear with me) and just be able to think without all the distractions of people and constant non fluid motion and busy-ness that goes on, especially in more urban areas. Perhaps I'm just use to the slower pace of life, but it seems that it's better mentally and spiritually. Again with the spirituality without God thing, I'll have to figure it out. I think although I'll probably end up in, well specifically probably New York, but I'll have to keep some avenue open, some opportunity to go out into more secluded space fairly often. I think this contributes to my growing restlessness, though is in no way the major portion of it, but I think it adds on a bit. Which I guess goes along with what I look for in people, as much as I'm starting back from scratch and trying to redefine this, I think this kind of appreciation will factor in. Although that aspect of it I'm not too concerned about. Regardless, I want to make an effort to read more about that kind of natural connection and being in tune with natural processes and such...which I guess is where my body modification thing is leaning right now as well.
I really should just take this all one thing at a time instead of just letting myself stab at various topics without much commitment and moving on....hmm.

With hesitation.
Okay, so I'm going to stop adding stuff on now because it just seems to be getting redundant and of no use, but I doubt many people read this, thus no one cares. Right Jesse?

So how I was a few years ago and how I am now is different. It have emphasis on different interests. Can I have it both ways and have the superior taste in the dark and mysterious and the appreciation for universality and such that I have now? Okay, well not to exaggerate as I obviously can't take much of anything seriously at any given moment, but I really want to get back into the things I used to be into without letting go of what I have now and also without having to make any effort towards it. *sigh* There are just certain appreciations I miss.

For a Followup?
Alright, so it seems that since I'm at work sitting in front of a computer that this'll end up being a long serious of afterthoughts, but whatever, noone really reads this anyways except for jesse so it's all good.
I want to go back to geekdom, I want to maintain a website on a constant basis and post constantly and have other people posting regularly so that I can read it, I want the comments to flow so that we'll all be discussing stuff online as well as in person or when I randomly talk to people online. To have discussions on a different time line other than immediate response situations. Someone mentioned this at the banquet tonight, and I would love to see this happen through the POR but I also want to revive it amongst my friends back home as well, because I get to talk seriously with them even less often. And we've done it before. It would be great. *sigh* I need a fifty billion hour day.

Realisation #1
Okay, so the POR isn't that far off. I just got reminded of how a group of us "back in the day" used to have discussion forums and discuss a whole lot of issues just like in the POR. neat, we were geeky intellectuals even back in the day, so since it was alright then it's alright now. Haha, yes, after this weekend I can revert to that kind of logic and call it good enough.

.
Well, now I remember why I don't like to keep up with the news. http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=514&e=1&u=/ap/20040201/ap_on_re_mi_ea/iraq_186 Three separate groups of killings in or near Baghdad. If I understood more about the statistics involved, I might be able to come up with a number to represent how probable it is that Kurt was in or near one of these places. Hurray for that thought. Brian and Jake better never go overseas. That'll just be it.

So I'm really freaked out, in general. I feel like I have added to the bad of the world, I feel that all my intentions as a "good person" can be called into question right now and point to me just being a "complacent person" or someone who doesn't necessarily stand anywhere at all.

I've had some really good conversations this weekend, some that got me thinking and trying to see things in a clearer light, but the questions that really nag me are the observations I made on my own, what I started questioning as I observed and realized what goes on around me. I was apparantly a "lone wolf" for some of the night. As I often separate myself from conversation from time to time in order to reflect on what is currently going through my mind. A lot of people say I'm quiet and seem to suggest that perhaps I shouldn't be. I tend to think otherwise. Although it is good to talk and to test my observations on other people so they can bring forth more questions and angles I haven't thought of, it seems that I should be observing more keenly as well. To really break everything down and understand what's going on. But then again people say I over-analyze too much already.

One of the alumni brought something into perspective for me Friday night. An issue I've been thinking through for quite some time now and should have been a little simpler, he took from a quite obvious approach that I simply hadn't considered. Hurray for him. So now I'm a bit closer to fully understanding it.

But as one gets closer to being reconciled, another begins. So seems to be the state of things. It seems that at this point, I have quite a few things to consider that I'm wondering how I'm going to go about doing any of it. It seems that the intellectual pursuit along with a mass amount of homework doesn't even out to enough time spent in either direction. Regardless, I really must catch up this week, quite desperately.

This weekend was cool for another reason I just thought of. As much as I love people in the party, it seems that I could understand some of the alumni better, from the relatively little amount of time I spoke with some of them, I found myself having a bit more in common with them, at least than what I expected. I really hope to get the chance to talk more with these people, and I'm sure I will.

I need to make a list of resolutions. And to adhere to them and make sure I do what I need to be doing for the rest of the semester. Like really getting into my schoolwork and really getting it done, refining/strengthening my moral framework, figuring out exactly what I think about certain things, start trying to answer those things I've just left as blank until now. A few conversations with Zaq have been quite helpful, about religion and such and piercings. It seems like this might be an appropriate time to attempt once more to assess my theology. I gave up four years ago, but perhaps this time I have better tools to do so.

On the other hand it feels like I've turned back into one of my more spiritual cycles, not necessarily through religion or faith but through how I experience certain things, I'm more concerned about the "soul" than the physical which is the only way to truely appreciate certain things. Now the "soul" is another issue. How can one have one without the existance of god. How does one deal with morality without god as a guide. How then does the world work, how is the world structured? How are piercings a spiritual thing and how is it different than masochism? What is the reconciliation between rationality and intuition and why? Why is something moral for one person and not another? Is that possible, how does one judge such a thing? Why would one leave it alone though, if one really feels this to be the case? How does one get the most out of something for oneself as well as being able to give the most to those around you? How can one tell if they have anything to offer that other person, and to what extent is that enough? How to my views about the world and my beliefs fall into how I want to live and my beliefs of how that kind of system I wish to operate in when I'm older and forced to live life realistically? How do I find a balance between social anarchy and traditionalism? How do I reconcile seeing something as a good thing but thinking the promotion or influence towards this is bad? What do I believe, what religious context can I identify with, but also how do I make that system confortable for me? Was an alumni right about dressing up for debates? What does it mean to lean towards a system because of the structure and features it involves without actually agreeing with its foundation? How do I reconcile being somewhat of a partial citizen of two very different worlds?


And most importantly, how to do I keep from exploding in the next four years?

Modern Living
So I was looking through some political cartoons during work today. Things are bad. And really fucked up.
Americans are getting more and more overweight, but fatty/unhealthy food is more and more overwhelmingly abundant.
The music industry, in their quest to "protect intellectual property" are suffocating the ability for people to really enjoy music without spending a fortune.
A fortune they don't have due to the state of the economy, or whatever is going on. I've been told the economy is getting better, but why are things getting worse?
Bush's attention is anywhere but where it should be. Iraq, the moon, mars, whatever. What about solving problems here first before taking on even more that we obviously can't handle?
Michael Moore's statements of a "society of fear" in Bowling for Columbine don't seem like much of a stretch anymore.
There was an article, in Time I believe, last month about how people (Americans probably) are living less and less well and contentedly regardless of our supposed "progress". Seriously though, I don't think we're heading in the right direction at all. We need to learn a new (or old) way of living, we need to focus on our own well being as people rather than trying to do all these crazy things as a nation and so on. Okay, good for patriotism, but we're forgetting the individual in all this, people aren't taking care of themselves. None of us are, really.

Finally an update, finally some thoughts worth having.
Intuition vs. Rationality
So there?s this question about the split between intuition and rationality. What happens when there?s a split between the two, how does one reconcile that? More importantly is the question of not only which is greater than the other in the situation, but what happens when one is at a point where one must act or decide, or whatever the case can not wait until more insight is gained, if there is anymore to be gained, but rather must conclude. At the same time, the two conflicting views, which it seems we usually use in order to decide most things in life, rationality and intuition, conflict dramatically and equally. While one leans equally towards both, one also realizes the limits of each. Is there a third criteria in which to reference in order to make some sort of decision or conclusion, or an overarching system within which to work? Or are we solely left with these two criteria which conflict and are limited and don?t really add up to much.

New Experiences vs. Familiarity
Another situation that bothers me is familiarity. In high school I was all about wanting to get out and experience everything that didn?t exist in my small middle/lower class town. Then I came to college and did the opposite. I was very reluctant to accept any of the new things, thoughts, ideals, etc. I was being exposed to, partially in fear of losing my background and those values. In essence, where I came from, and where I am now, and possibly am heading, are so vastly different that it seems that it was either one or the other. It seems that I subconsciously came to some sort of conclusion that I could not fully expose myself to this world and still hope to retain those values that I believe(d) to be correct. Now it seems to me that I should instead seek to understand both worlds better and find a reconciliation, but also explore outside factors as well. Instead of thinking of it as one or the other, perhaps to think of it as two of many possibilities that can be combined and pieced together.

Different Modes of Living
One approach to this kind of possible solution, which I?m already planning on, is experiencing many different modes of living. I?ve done the small, rural, middle/lower class town, and now I live at an Ivy League school in a city. This summer I will live on my own with a friend, having to pay rent and food and all that, no vehicle, etc. and have to take care of myself. I would also like to go to Canada and farm for a summer, or at least live rurally enough to garden on a fairly big scale. I?d also like to go to South America and understand how people live in more primitive areas, without all the modern commodities and technologies, etc. I think this array of different living situations, mentalities, etc. will be beneficial not only in learning my own values but also learning the way in which I can best live once I must settle down, etc, which is a thing that very much concerns me. Staying in Yale, I?m concerned about not being happy with the typical Yale graduate type of life, but at the same time, I?m not fully convinced that doing things otherwise will help either. I no longer think it has much to do with living situation, but rather with mentality, and that is something that I must pursue to gain rather than wanting to hole myself into a particular place or lifestyle.

Mental Test by the Physical
At the same time, I also want to get back into body modification in a more serious way than before. Something along the ranks of suspensions etc, where much preparation is necessary and the experience itself is a test not necessarily of physical endurance, but of mental strength, etc. I think this, along with the preparation necessary and experiencing different living situations/ cultures. This will hopefully include such things as sky diving etc, so that I can push myself mentally by very physical experiences.

Thought Process.
So I've had a lot going on in the past week or so. And as much as I've thought a few times that I should take the time to write, I haven't. But I am now, when I have less to say, but will try to say something worthwhile anyway.
I've been actually thinking lately, which unfortunately is something that I forget to do sometimes. I've returned to my quest to figure out exactly what it is I believe in. I've taken the time to really be observant of the things around me.
I took the time the other night to really listen to music. Though my latest obsession is 3 Libras...a song I related to but now understand the completeness of the situation, so it's good to be aware. Situations are always interesting, and it seems that ones like these can never be simple in any manner. Oh well, perhaps someday things will make sense.
I'm starting to figure out what kind of person I want to be in life, and I'm starting to stick with plans of what I want to do a bit more now. It's a very nice feeling - to have some kind of feeling of the direction you're going in.
I'm very anxious to go home, however. I want to just go relax and life the northern maine life and read all day and play bass. Oh lovely bass.
I had more to say. I had more profound things. Last night made me realize that whatever opinions I may have, I need to make sure that they are very thought out opinions and that I feel strongly about them. I realized that there are a lot of topics that I think I have opinions on but when I really think about it, those opinions aren't really my opinions. Definately something to be aware of.
Directed Studies. I want to drop. I might not be able to. grr.
Anyways, I'll have to post when I'm feeling more inspired. This just isn't really working.