*sigh* Sometimes I miss what I'll never have again.
From July 16-

"Last night was absolutely amazing. If I could have paused that moment in time, that eternal moment would make my life so completely satisfying.It felt as if things had gone back in time and they were how they used to be when I was happiest. Everything reminded me of when I was happy. I drove home and all I could think about were the times when I drove home from his house having had spent the entire evening with him. Without care, without worry, completely secure and completely happy.It?s amazing how bad I want those moments back. But last night was the closest I?m getting for a long time, and I?m going to milk it for all I can. Man I wish things would go back to that.
But it felt like I had gone back in time twice. Back on the one hand to how wade and I were a few months ago. But back even further to my sophomore year with Nick. He was back to how he was, talking like he used to, and we talked how we used to. That was nice. I had missed that.
And we were all talking around one table or another all night. For some reason, that is a concept, although rather new to new, I have fallen completely in love with. It seems that the best conversations sprout from sitting around the table, and everyone there is into them, physically and mentally. It seems so great. I want to spend a significant amount of time doing that. Or, like I said, I want to freeze last night into an everlasting moment. Something I can also go back to whenever I want. I would give anything for something like that to be there for me in a few months. I don?t know what else I could possibly ask for, but I know I want that like nothing else.
Nick seems to be considering moving to Connecticut, it seems to be something hes been thinking about for a little while. I don?t want to get my hopes up on anything anymore, but how wonderful would that be. I want nothing more than to have someone there.
I?m less edgy today, though I?m still slightly edgy. I can?t stand this anymore really, but today I can deal with. Yesterday I was going crazy. I just want everything back to normal.
I can?t wait to talk to wade today. I hope he talks about last night. In all my happiness and as much as I was just letting my mind go three hundred miles an hour, I couldn?t help but pause and notice that he looked sad. Maybe it was just me, or maybe he was just stoned, But he seemed to unmistakably sad. I?m not sure if he?ll admit it if he was, but I wish he would tell me all about what he was thinking last night. As much as I felt so close to him during those few hours, I couldn?t help but try to imagine what he was thinking. In a way I wish we would have ridden home with me so we could have talked alone for a little while, but at the same time, even I was reluctant to leave the happiness that seemed almost attached to the location. I hope he wasn?t as unhappy as he looked. "

Final?
Okay, this just amused me. It seemed really fitting. Not that I follow horoscopes, I'm just hanging out at work and pretty bored. But I like this one:


All the success and good fortune you've been incurring over the past several months may have freed you from the grind enough to concentrate on your spiritual and/or artistic interests. There may be a few surprises in store for you, dear Gemini. You're likely to meet some new people who share your interests, and what you learn from them increases your own progress. You might just embark on a new course of study. Have fun! -Yahoo!Horoscopes

and another thing.
What is it with the recent surge of people commenting on my being quiet. I know I don't always say as much as I should, but I hardly consider it to be to the extent that people should feel the need to point it out. Perhaps that's a gap in my perspective, but dude....even the alums started commenting on it. I must discuss that next time someone brings it up...I really don't notice that I'm that quiet after all.

Exploding yet?
I want to do everything. But I can't do everything, and the things I do try to take on, well I still take on so many that I do things to a mediocre extent. But I don't want to take on less things. So I think this is part of my restlessness, as well as missing out on something that I know is very meaningful to me yet I can't figure out what it is.
Restlessness. And I'm starting to feel like I'm just going to explode no matter what.

But art rocks. www.devinatart.com

Redefined.
Okay, so the ultimate purpose of the blog, now completely concrete in its conviction, is merely to preserve certain ideas for myself in order to go back to them, as is everything I record and keep, as the front page of the site says, as my college application says. And it no longer necessarily makes sense to anyone else. I'm fine with that.

Someone mentioned yesterday that usually you can get some sort of impression of what a person thinks of you when you talk to them or get to know them etc. It struck me then and it strikes me now....no. I don't get such impressions off of people in generally. I really can't tell what people think about me. And though I'm not generally too concerned, it would be nice to get some sort of notion. Hmm...how peculiar.

Reflection on the Importance of Nature
Not that this is conclusive or anything, but I truely seem to believe that nature is conducive to general well being and to peace of mind. To physically remove yourself from "society" and spend time alone or with a single person, perhaps two at the most, just looking around that what is not a human constuct but naturally there and beautiful and in tune. To just gather ones thoughts (cheesy, I know, bear with me) and just be able to think without all the distractions of people and constant non fluid motion and busy-ness that goes on, especially in more urban areas. Perhaps I'm just use to the slower pace of life, but it seems that it's better mentally and spiritually. Again with the spirituality without God thing, I'll have to figure it out. I think although I'll probably end up in, well specifically probably New York, but I'll have to keep some avenue open, some opportunity to go out into more secluded space fairly often. I think this contributes to my growing restlessness, though is in no way the major portion of it, but I think it adds on a bit. Which I guess goes along with what I look for in people, as much as I'm starting back from scratch and trying to redefine this, I think this kind of appreciation will factor in. Although that aspect of it I'm not too concerned about. Regardless, I want to make an effort to read more about that kind of natural connection and being in tune with natural processes and such...which I guess is where my body modification thing is leaning right now as well.
I really should just take this all one thing at a time instead of just letting myself stab at various topics without much commitment and moving on....hmm.

With hesitation.
Okay, so I'm going to stop adding stuff on now because it just seems to be getting redundant and of no use, but I doubt many people read this, thus no one cares. Right Jesse?

So how I was a few years ago and how I am now is different. It have emphasis on different interests. Can I have it both ways and have the superior taste in the dark and mysterious and the appreciation for universality and such that I have now? Okay, well not to exaggerate as I obviously can't take much of anything seriously at any given moment, but I really want to get back into the things I used to be into without letting go of what I have now and also without having to make any effort towards it. *sigh* There are just certain appreciations I miss.

For a Followup?
Alright, so it seems that since I'm at work sitting in front of a computer that this'll end up being a long serious of afterthoughts, but whatever, noone really reads this anyways except for jesse so it's all good.
I want to go back to geekdom, I want to maintain a website on a constant basis and post constantly and have other people posting regularly so that I can read it, I want the comments to flow so that we'll all be discussing stuff online as well as in person or when I randomly talk to people online. To have discussions on a different time line other than immediate response situations. Someone mentioned this at the banquet tonight, and I would love to see this happen through the POR but I also want to revive it amongst my friends back home as well, because I get to talk seriously with them even less often. And we've done it before. It would be great. *sigh* I need a fifty billion hour day.

Realisation #1
Okay, so the POR isn't that far off. I just got reminded of how a group of us "back in the day" used to have discussion forums and discuss a whole lot of issues just like in the POR. neat, we were geeky intellectuals even back in the day, so since it was alright then it's alright now. Haha, yes, after this weekend I can revert to that kind of logic and call it good enough.

.
Well, now I remember why I don't like to keep up with the news. http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=514&e=1&u=/ap/20040201/ap_on_re_mi_ea/iraq_186 Three separate groups of killings in or near Baghdad. If I understood more about the statistics involved, I might be able to come up with a number to represent how probable it is that Kurt was in or near one of these places. Hurray for that thought. Brian and Jake better never go overseas. That'll just be it.

So I'm really freaked out, in general. I feel like I have added to the bad of the world, I feel that all my intentions as a "good person" can be called into question right now and point to me just being a "complacent person" or someone who doesn't necessarily stand anywhere at all.

I've had some really good conversations this weekend, some that got me thinking and trying to see things in a clearer light, but the questions that really nag me are the observations I made on my own, what I started questioning as I observed and realized what goes on around me. I was apparantly a "lone wolf" for some of the night. As I often separate myself from conversation from time to time in order to reflect on what is currently going through my mind. A lot of people say I'm quiet and seem to suggest that perhaps I shouldn't be. I tend to think otherwise. Although it is good to talk and to test my observations on other people so they can bring forth more questions and angles I haven't thought of, it seems that I should be observing more keenly as well. To really break everything down and understand what's going on. But then again people say I over-analyze too much already.

One of the alumni brought something into perspective for me Friday night. An issue I've been thinking through for quite some time now and should have been a little simpler, he took from a quite obvious approach that I simply hadn't considered. Hurray for him. So now I'm a bit closer to fully understanding it.

But as one gets closer to being reconciled, another begins. So seems to be the state of things. It seems that at this point, I have quite a few things to consider that I'm wondering how I'm going to go about doing any of it. It seems that the intellectual pursuit along with a mass amount of homework doesn't even out to enough time spent in either direction. Regardless, I really must catch up this week, quite desperately.

This weekend was cool for another reason I just thought of. As much as I love people in the party, it seems that I could understand some of the alumni better, from the relatively little amount of time I spoke with some of them, I found myself having a bit more in common with them, at least than what I expected. I really hope to get the chance to talk more with these people, and I'm sure I will.

I need to make a list of resolutions. And to adhere to them and make sure I do what I need to be doing for the rest of the semester. Like really getting into my schoolwork and really getting it done, refining/strengthening my moral framework, figuring out exactly what I think about certain things, start trying to answer those things I've just left as blank until now. A few conversations with Zaq have been quite helpful, about religion and such and piercings. It seems like this might be an appropriate time to attempt once more to assess my theology. I gave up four years ago, but perhaps this time I have better tools to do so.

On the other hand it feels like I've turned back into one of my more spiritual cycles, not necessarily through religion or faith but through how I experience certain things, I'm more concerned about the "soul" than the physical which is the only way to truely appreciate certain things. Now the "soul" is another issue. How can one have one without the existance of god. How does one deal with morality without god as a guide. How then does the world work, how is the world structured? How are piercings a spiritual thing and how is it different than masochism? What is the reconciliation between rationality and intuition and why? Why is something moral for one person and not another? Is that possible, how does one judge such a thing? Why would one leave it alone though, if one really feels this to be the case? How does one get the most out of something for oneself as well as being able to give the most to those around you? How can one tell if they have anything to offer that other person, and to what extent is that enough? How to my views about the world and my beliefs fall into how I want to live and my beliefs of how that kind of system I wish to operate in when I'm older and forced to live life realistically? How do I find a balance between social anarchy and traditionalism? How do I reconcile seeing something as a good thing but thinking the promotion or influence towards this is bad? What do I believe, what religious context can I identify with, but also how do I make that system confortable for me? Was an alumni right about dressing up for debates? What does it mean to lean towards a system because of the structure and features it involves without actually agreeing with its foundation? How do I reconcile being somewhat of a partial citizen of two very different worlds?


And most importantly, how to do I keep from exploding in the next four years?