Frank - The Guy Who Was Not A Loser
Once, at 3:00, Frank was sitting at his boathouse, on a boat, in the wild blue yonder that we all so casually call the ocean! Except, of course, for the fact that he wasn’t in the middle of the ocean, which is usually what people tend to think of when someone refers to the wild blue yonder that we so casually call the ocean. Instead of being in the middle of the ocean, Frank and his lovely little houseboat were more toward the edge of the ocean, in a harbor, in a cove, in a bay, in a sea. Frank was about ready to get happy.
It was summertime, and that was one of the times of the year that Frank usually lived through, and by doing so, experienced all of the things that coincide with this bizarre and, yet, unusual, time of the year. The water was blue. Not that nasty cold blue, though!! It was a warm blue, that one can only see when it is a warm day. Had it been any other type of day, the water would have shrieked in pain and frustration at being seen as that color, because that’s just not something that happens, and if it did happen, by some freaky freak of nature, then it just wouldn’t be good.
Just then, Frank heard a shriek of pain! There was a tiny little man in the glass of lemonade that Frank was trying to drink! The little man, that rotten guy. That lousy bastard. That mean, but all-around-swell-and-fun-loving tiny little guy, that was about the size of a really really small man. And he was just like sitting there in the middle of Frank’s bloody lemonade!
Frank was perplexed. Frank was confused. Frank was flabbergasted. Frank was blown away. Frank was hungry. Frank was confused. Frank was bewildered. Frank was stunned. Frank was mixed up. Frank was misty. Frank didn’t know what to do! That little man, though, he certainly knew what to do. Oh yes, he was one of those people that ALWAYS knows what to do.
You see, this was no ordinary man of sub-average height. His ears were set slightly, but still recognizably, higher on his head than most people, which gave him a superduper ear for the obvious and the supernatural. This always seemed to come in handy all of those late nights at grandma’s house, sitting around playing bridge until the break of nine-oh-clock! He could practically SEE those cards. He could see them with his eyes, but it was more than just that. He could hear them with his ears, for many many years. Then his grandmammy moved to New York, and got a job as a bus driver, and then, one day, was hit by a bus. The accident itself left her unharmed, because she had a solid steel exoskeleton, but the irony killed her. The worst part of the situation was that the tiny little man, who was indeed pretty small, was one of the passengers on that very same bus, later that day. It was a baaaaad bus, with lots of gum all over it.
Frank liked gum, so he went to the kitchen cabinet to get some gum. By this point, the little man was sitting on Frank’s shoulder. Except for one thing. FRANK HAD NO IDEA THAT THIS WAS THE CASE!!!!! He thought that he was all alone, by himself! He didn’t have the foggiest that this little man was sitting there on his shoulder! His SHOULDER, for goodness sake!! His SHOULDER!!! Frank just didn’t realize it, it was all perfectly logical, the man was pretty small! Anybody could have not noticed him on their shoulder, and there he was on Frank’s shoulder while Frank was getting a piece of gum from the kitchen cabinet, and Frank didn’t even KNOW it!! He was on his SHOULDER!!!!
The tiny little man’s name was Albert MacDice. He was tiny.
So, Frank was getting done getting the water and all (water is what Frank likes to have after gum, if you didn’t know that) and was sitting back down in his lawn chair on the back deck of his boathouse houseboat, and Albert MacDice (the little really small man) just started to do a dance on the top of Frank’s left shoulder, the very same shoulder he had been sitting on before! Now, Frank’s not some sort of stupid-ass dumb guy, or something like that, and he DEFINITELY noticed Albert MacDice, at that point.
Frank freaked out. He completely lost it when he saw Albert MacDice doing his little arm-and-leg-swinging-dance on Frank’s very own shoulder. Frank started to run about, like a guy who runs a lot. He started to call out the names of his old college classmates, as if it invoke their spirits to help aid his horribly terrible and fearful situation. Frank started to do cartwheels, as if to say, “Hey, there was some guy dancing on my shoulder!” Then, Frank started to stop. The boat started to shake. That’s when Frank spotted the large-and-really-really-huge, metallic foot emerge from beneath the surface of the sea that they were in!
Attached to the foot was the body of a really big scary robot!! It was all big, and scary, and robotic, and it was kind of just standing there off the port side of Frank’s houseboat! Frank and Albert MacDice knew that it was time to put their petty differences aside and focus on the greater good. The thing that would save their lives. The thing that was commonly known as - getting the hell out of there!
Frank threw the boat into the highest gear that it had, and then Frank, Albert MacDice, and the boat were outta there! They were really flying! Well, not really FLYING, per say, not literally FLYING, but, you know, they were really going really fast. Frank and Albert MacDice started to see more of the scary big robots all around in some places! Frank steered the boat around their large metal legs, sort of weaving through them, and the robots were kind of just standing there, but sometimes moving, really slowly, like big robots. Boy oh boy were they ever big. And, compared to Albert MacDice, they were even bigger than compared to Frank, or the boat, or a barn.
A barn! That was the secret!! That was the trick that was going to get them out of this tricky situation! Everybody knows that if you find a barn, and hide in it, that really big robots that come out of the sea won’t be able to get you! Unless they find you and tear down the barn, of course, but Frank was trying to think positively. That’s what they used to call him back in the service. Positive Frank. Yeah, Frank spent some of his best years fighting the war against mail in the postal service. But, then he lost the war, and that’s all that really happened with that.
So. Frank docked his boat at a dock, and took off running!!! Although, before he took off running, he did stop and say a fond “Hello” to little Mr. Albert MacDice, and scoop the little fellow into his back pocket, where his wallet lives. They headed for the barn, at a rather quick pace.
That barn was in a city. It was the weirdest place for a city, right where a barn was, but Frank didn’t like to think about cities being built near barns. No, he didn’t like that at all. But, Frank could not help himself this time. He had held back so well every other time the thought had entered his mind before this. In fact, once, while sitting on his bed, the thought started to enter his mind, and do you know what Frank did? Can you guess what he did? Do you have any idea what he did?? Well, I’ll tell you what he did, he didn’t think about it, that’s what ol’ Frankie-boy did. But, at that moment, while he was running toward the barn in the city, that was one of the things that Frank was thinking about.
The barn was practically calling to Frank, but it seemed that the number was busy. It just kept giving that annoying, slow, low, beeping sound that indicates that the number is busy. Then, sometimes the operator would come on and say that the number wasn’t even there to begin with. Bad, rotten operator! The operator was always somebody who had always been jealous of Frank.
Frank didn’t care, though. He didn’t care about anything except for cities growing near barns, and getting to that barn. But most of all, he cared about getting to that barn. That was sort of weird, though, because he had gotten to the barn, like, five minutes ago and was just standing outside of it, like a guy who had just gotten to a barn five minutes ago and was standing outside of it, thinking about getting to the barn.
Frank entered the barn.
The barn had a very, how do you say, barn-like quality to it, on the inside. Except for the stereo system in the middle of it. But the barn had hay, and that was all that a barn would ever need in this case. Hay would get into the circuits of any self-respecting robot, especially a giant robot that came out of the sea. Frank poured himself a brand new glass of lemonade, and gently put Albert MacDice on one of the larger ice cubes in the glass of lemonade, just like old times. Albert McDice had passed out from a lack of oxygen in Frank’s back pocket, and was not really entirely safe in the glass of lemonade, but, as Frank sat there, amid the hay, in a big heap of hay, and listened to the hectic rush hour traffic outside, it was as much like old times as a situation could get.
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