The Swiss Army Knife That Saved Lives
There was this dyslexic woman named Julie VonShape! She was eating breakfast, one day! In fact, she ate breakfast every day. Breakfast was really the best meal for Julie because it was the only one that did not consist of raw hamburger patties and clam juice, such as her doctor strongly cautioned her to eat as often as possible, whenever the chance came up, as long as it was not breakfast time, and was, in fact, sometime other than breakfast. Like lunch and dinner! But, just recently her doctor had been hauled away by pirates, to the insane asylum, where he would spend his days making ash trays for all of his close and personal friends who either did or did not need ash trays. So, with old doctor boy gone outta her life, Julie happily substituted raw hamburger with a glass bowl full of fish heads! The eyes supposedly give you better hearing!
Just then, very suddenly, all at once, a thought came to Julie. This was it: “Oh shitty-poo!!! I’m late for work!!” It was time to dash out the door without the brushing of teeth ritual that usually takes place in the morning time! But Julie VonShape could not do this, much less let her little pet ape die in the tree that it had become stuck in!
Soon the fire department trainees were on the scene, hooking up the hook and ladder truck, in order to get that monkey! You see, Julie called them on the telephone! To get the ape down from the tree! Apes can usually climb down from trees at will, but that’s only when the neighbor’s punk rock seven-year-old doesn’t shoot them in the head numerous times with a big gun! Fortunately, that wasn’t what happened at all. It was the neighbor’s punk rock EIGHT-year-old, and it was a slightly smaller gun! Da ape was dead! But he needed to get down from the tree, because soon the sky would be filled with vultures, and they would be trying to eat him all up, in that way that vultures have a way of doing all of the time when they see something that is dead that they want to eat.
The fire chief got the huge catching-people-net out, and told the monkey to “just jump”! But the monkey was like, “No, I’m dead!” And then, well, everyone was just like, “WHAT THE HELL???” And it turned out that it was a zombie monkey! IT JUMPED DOWN FROM THE TREE!! Directly onto the head of and unsuspecting fire-person! The ape ate his brain, and then ran down the street into a world of panic and confusing stuff! Then he was run over by a bus.
Julie got in the bus and went to work. She worked at a store! Yet, in some way, her job was to climb to the top of tall trees, and see what sort of things could be done from up there. She just then realized that it would’ve been really good practice to climb the tree in her yard and get the ape down. But that’s not what happened. Darn.
Once at work, Julie VonShapie hopped onto the company motorbike, and traveled deep into the redwood forest, where there were lotsa trees and stuff! She then climbed a tree! Yepper, she went right to the top of a tree. In about four hours, that is. That’s, of course, due to the fact that she was carrying a pull-out sofa with her. The job for that day included a pull-out sofa, and taking it to the top of a tall tree, to see if it would still work right! And, holy macaroni, it did work right! It pulled out and everything! What a good thing!
BUT. Just then, and eagle swooped down, and flew away with Julie in its talons! The eagle was wearing a red Hawaiian shirt, and shoes, though! So it was a sort of weird eagle to be seen around! So, Julie was all, “Whoa! Just let me right back down, why don’t you??” And the eagle. It said, well, it didn’t say anything, because it was an eagle, and it’s not like eagles can talk, or anything like that. I mean, come on, this isn’t like some sort of bloody cartoon, or something like that, where eagles just go around talking and drinking sodas and, well, talking and crazy jazz like that.
Then the eagle was actually Jack, the owner of the Seven Eleven that was next to the forest! He was hang-gliding on a stretched bison skin! (Just like the cave-men used to.) So Julie! She stabbed him in the face with a fork! And he freaked out, and slammed directly into a tall mountain range, where there was this hermit who lived in an igloo that was actually make of bricks, and who had a tractor, and mowed the mountain, and hunted for his own food, and cooked it in his microwave oven! It was one of those old microwave ovens from the eighties, though! The kind that emit radiation and fill your food with nuclear goodness, so the hermit was actually a dead guy by the time they crashed into the mountain where they landed.
Then it was time to go swimming, and the entire population of California went down to the reck center, where they had an official Olympic depth swimming pool for people to use TWENTY-FOUR HOURS A WEEK!! Yeah-yeah! It was a funky situation for everyone involved! The helpers got cookies. But this one time, the building became overloaded, and it turned out it was on a fault line, and so it fell into a hole in the earth, and all of the people started an underground mole-people kind of existence.
Except, of course, for Julie VonShape and Jack The Seven Eleven Guy. They didn’t know what had happened when they got back and nobody was around! They were having a big old panic attack! With a whole bunch of running around and screaming, and yelling, and shouting, and blowing those little party favor horn-type-things that you get at parties, and are really annoying, and all, and you sometimes wonder who would’ve ever invented such a stupid thing! So, they moved to Mexico, and everything was mediocre-okay for the rest of the month.
