The Obituary of the Pillsbury Dough Boy

PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY DEAD AT 71

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and The Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Another close relative, Uncle Ben, said Fresh's health problems may have been complicated by too much sugar in his nephew's system.

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. He appeared on the talk show circuit, telling America how he overcame an addiction to chocolate chips.

The funeral was held at 4:50 for about 20 minutes.