I'm a survivor of nearly five years, and I'd like to offer some positive input to women who are newly diagnosed and to their families and friends.

My diagnosis came in 1994, and I had my first breast removed three days before my forty-ninth birthday. Immediately following my surgery, the entire experience seemed surreal, as if it were happening to someone else, and I was a spectator, somewhere on the outside looking in. I have since referred to it as my "dream walk." As this protective phase subsided,however, the stark reality of breast cancer set in, and I was gripped by the most horrendous terror I had ever encountered. I was so haunted by my fear of a recurrence that sometimes I literally could not function, feeling as if some stranger had taken up residence in my body. But, as a survivor, what I want every woman to know is that these feelings AREN'T permanent. They WILL pass. I can best describe the transition by quoting a paragraph from my manuscript:

"Healing, for me, arrived gradually, slipping into my life in a subtle aura of heightened awareness. The call of the red-winged blackbird and the whisper of the tall trees blowing through the night awakened a place deep within my spirit, a place I had feared was forever lost. With the passage of time, my heart began to dance, and the good days finally outnumbered the bad. One morning I was standing in the kitchen brewing a pot of green tea when I realized that I had actually crawled out of bed without the sudden shock wave of remembrance."

From that moment on, my life started to undergo a positive transformation.

Two things I did which really helped were to find a non-traditional support group based on the mind-body connection (the Center for Attitudinal Healing) and to eventually get into therapy in order to deal with the various stressors in my life. Sometimes people and professionals outside of one's immediate circle of family and friends can help to put the experience into a different perspective.

I also changed my diet and looked into everything I could possibly do to empower myself and stack the odds more favorably in my direction. I listened to guided meditations such as "Morning and Evening Meditation," by Louise Hay and "The Invitation to Healing," by Beverly Hutchinson and Steven Halpern and I made a point of seeking out books written with a healing focus, books filled with hope and inspiration. Among my all-time favorite reading materials were Dr. Bob Arnot's, "The Breast Cancer Prevention Diet" and Bernie Siegel's, "Love, Medicine and Miracles".

Everyone's path will be a little different, but the answer, to me, has been to tap into reinforcing energy from every possible source.

Since that cold day in November, I have celebrated my thirtieth wedding anniversary, watched my grandchildren grow and made wonderful new friendships too numerous to count. I have inhaled the sweet, clean scent of honeysuckle as I lie on my back looking up at the stars, and I have listened to Chopin and Massenet with my dog nestled gently in the crook of my arm. I even wrote a book about my journey through breast cancer, which I hope to publish in October of 2000.

Every day is precious... a gift to be carefully unwrapped and savored from the depth of my spirit. No one of us is guaranteed tomorrow. That, in the final analysis, is the lesson cancer has taught me, and though I must still confess I'd rather have learned it in some easier, less life-threatening way, I will continue living in this place of gratitude, this place which God has allowed me to have for this very moment, and hopefully for many more to come.

I would love to hear from anyone who feels the need for encouragement.

- Rachael Clearwater
clearskyreflections@worldnet.att.net