More Jokes off the web :-Þ
BACKSEAT DRIVER

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A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....

The man says, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."

Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt." The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."


IF ONLY I HAD KNOWN

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As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.
"Well", said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich." POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.
And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess with a priceless crown of jewels.
Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. The elderly woman's dog raised his head a uttered a single, weak, hoarse "woof". "Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"
POOF: There, in front of the old woman, who has now turned into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. More handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten. As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I'll bet you're sorry you ever had me neutered."


How to Write a College Paper
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1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
4. Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed,double- spaced,and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders,drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it our of the way so you can concentrate.
8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9. Listen to one side of your favorite CD and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
10. Listen to the other side.
11. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
12. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the world at large.
13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.
15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche.
16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.
24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
25. Lie face down on the floor and moan.



TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every tendays.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move


TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still wasbecause
you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was , "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.


FINALLY A BLOND GUY JOKE...
AN IRISHMAN, A MEXICAN AND BLOND GUY WERE DOING CONSTRUCTION WORK ON SCAFFOLDING ON THE 20TH FLOOR OF A BUILDING. THEY WERE EATING LUNCH AND THE IRISHMAN SAID, "CORNED BEEF AND CABBAGE! IF I GET CORNED BEEF AND CABBAGE ONE MORE TIME FOR LUNCH I'M GOING TO JUMP OFF THIS BUILDING."
THE MEXICAN OPENED HIS LUNCH BOX AND EXCLAIMED, "BURRITOS AGAIN IF I GET BURRITOS ONE MORE TIME I'M JUMPING TOO."
THE BLOND OPENED HIS LUNCH AND SAID, " BOLOGNA AGAIN. IF I GET A BOLOGNA SANDWICH ONE MORE TIME I'M JUMPING TOO."
NEXT DAY THE IRISHMAN OPENS HIS LUNCH BOX, SEES CORNED BEEF AND CABBAGE AND JUMPS TO HIS DEATH. THE MEXICAN OPENS HIS LUNCH, SEES A BURRITO AND JUMPS TOO. THE BLOND OPENS HIS LUNCH, SEES THE BOLOGNA AND JUMPS TO HIS DEATH ALSO.
AT THE FUNERAL THE IRISHMAN'S WIFE IS WEEPING, SHE SAYS "IF I'D KNOWN HOW REALLY TIRED HE WAS OF CORNED BEEF AND CABBAGE I NEVER WOULD HAVE GIVEN IT TO HIM AGAIN!THE MEXICAN'S WIFE ALSO WEEPS AND SAYS, "I COULD HAVE GIVEN HIM TACOS OR ENCHILADAS! I DIDN'T REALIZE HE HATED BURRITOS SO MUCH."
EVERYONE TURNED AND STARED AT THE BLOND'S WIFE. "HEY, DON'T LOOK AT ME" SHE SAID. " HE MAKES HIS OWN LUNCH."


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