Vir, wearing an apron, is putting chopped meat into a line af at least half a dozen feeding bowls with various alien names on them such as "Gaib", "Drazi", "Gorn", "Vree", and "Pnume". There is a Kzin in a cage in the middle of the kitchen, with a bowl marked "Kzin" in front of him. A large puppeteer is hanging from the clothes drier and a Le-Mayta is in a cage below the sink. A Gray is on top of one of the cupboards. Londo enters with the box.

Vir: What have you got now?

Londo: I bought a Narn, Vir.

Vir: What d'you want one of them for! I'm not going to clean it out. You said you'd clean the Kzin out, but do you? No, I suppose you've lost interest in it now. Now it'll be Narn Narn Narn for a couple of days, then all of a sudden, "oh, Vir, I've bought an Outsider" or some other silicon-based lifeform like a Horta.

Londo: It's really different this time, Vir. I'm really going to look after this Narn.

Vir: That's what you said about the Bandersnatch... now Lord Refa's having to use it as a spaceport.

Londo: Well, you didn't feed it properly.

Vir: Where are we going to get forty-four tons of plankton from every morning? Lord Refa was dead vexed about that. They thought he was mad in the Zocalo.

Londo: Well at least he's got a free port. (growl from the Kzin)

Vir: That's no good to him... his runabout smells all fishy. (we hear a roar) Oh blimey, that's the Kzin. He'll want his Dust.

Londo: Are you giving that Kzin drugs?

Vir: 'Course I'm giving it drugs!

Londo: It's illegal.

Vir: You try telling that to the Kzin.

Londo: I think it's dangerous.

Vir: Listen ... before he started fixing, he used to get through four PsyCops a day. And he used to eat all of them, except the badges.

Londo: Well he's not dim.

A very loud roar and rattling of cage.

Vir: All right!

He loads a syringe and starts to leave.

Londo: Well, I'm going to watch the Gold Channel... come on Marcus.

He puts Marcus in cage and is just about to take it through to the next room.

Vir: Michael's been on the link all day for you.

Londo: Michael?

Vir: You know, Michael... Michael. Michael Garabaldi. He's been on the link all day ... he came round twice.

Londo: What did he look like?

Vir: Oh, I didn't see him. The Pak'Ma'Ra answered the door. Only useful alien you ever bought, that.

Londo: Where is he now?

Vir: He's upstairs forging prescriptions for the sodding Kzin!

Londo: No, no, where is Michael Garabaldi now?

Vir: Oh, I don't know.., he said it wasn't important, anyway... all right, here I come.

He goes to the Kzin. Londo looks confused, then shrugs and goes into the sitting room with Marcus. In the room there are about twenty Shadow control pods on shelves. Londo switches on Babcom and settles down to watch it with Marcus.

The screen switches on to show a documentary already in progress.

Narrator: Here we see a Shadow engaged in a life-or-death struggle with a Vorlon.

We see a Shadow and a Vorlon standing on opposite sides of a field. In the middle of the field are a Minbari Ranger and a Drach, flailing away at each other with pike and sword. They fence a bit; the Drach gets in a good hit with the sword. The Minbari knocks the Drach's head clean off with the pike. Both drop to the ground. The Shadow and the Vorlon applaud.

Narrator: Here we see a Pak'Ma'Ra. (Cut to a shot of a happy Pa'Ma'Ra standing outside his cave) These Pak'Ma'Ra are not engaged in a life-or-death struggle with anyone. These inoffensive creatures spend their days happily eating dead animals and people, singing liturgical songs, and waiting for spaceships to crash nearby. Consequently they make very bad television.

Announcer: And now back to "University of the Air", and our series for advanced medical students, "Elements of Surgical Xenological Practice". Part 68 - "Narns".

Londo: Ah! We're in luck again, Marcus.

A surgeon appears on television. He makes a few Narn gestures.

Surgeon: Hello Narnophiles! Before the blood and guts that you're waiting to see, let's have a look at the anatomy of the little Narn.

Cut to a drawing of a Narn.

Narn Expert's Voice: The body of the Narn is divided into three sections. (arrow indicates) The head, the thorax and the abdomen. They are enclosed in a hard amour-like covering called the exoskeleton, which provides some protection from the elements but unfortunately not from the dissector's scalpel. (an animated hand with a knife slices bits off the Narn) See, nothing to it, he's not such a toughy. And his attributes ... they help him ...er we won't get into that, but look at this ... (a forceps pulls the attributes off) you're not so strong compared with me, four, five, six ... Ha!

Londo: I didn't know Narns had six attributes, Marcus!

Narn Expert: Well I can assure you they do, Mr Garabaldi.

Londo: Hey! You've got two attributes missing! And that's a false eye Marcus! Blimey!

He leaps up, switches the monitor off and hurls the remote into the corner onto a pile of Shadow pods and hurries out. The Kzin is quiet now. Vir, bloody and torn, is emptying a tin of "Puppeteer Chow" into a box marked "Puppeteer".

Londo: I'm taking this Narn back, Vir - he's got two attributes missing.

Vir: Hey! N'grath's been on the link! The Gorn's been in his pupae again.

Londo: Well I'll get it on the way back from the Zocalo.

Vir: Well mind you do - his droppings are enormous. (Londo goes through the door, Vir shouts after him) Oh, and by the way, while you're out get us another couple of Shadow pods would you, here's 180 ducats. (He tosses a bag out to him)

Cut to the hall outside. There are Shadow pods heaped along the walls. Londo catches the bag of coins and leaves as a van is unloading half a dozen pods onto a trolley, prior to wheeling them into the cubicle.

Londo stands there with his Narn in his hand. There are also two ladies in Drazi national costume. The lift Vree, who has a wall-eye, a wooden leg, a tooth-brace, a hearing aid, a built-up shoe, a neck-brace, and a hook is reciting.

Lift Vree: Orange Level... Jewelry, leather goods, tribal head injuries, cricket bats, film stars, dolphinariums.

The lift stops with some difficulty. The Drazi girls get out with their baggage. In gets a man in Gaib national costume holding an oar.

Lift Vree: Puce Level ... cosmetics, books, Pak'Ma'Ra massage, tribal head-gear, Narns.. (Londo starts to get out) but not complaints about Narns!

Londo: Oh, where do I go to complain?

Lift Vree: Straight on, then left, then right past the thing, then, up the little stairs, then right by where it's gone all soft, then down the wobbly bit, left past the nail, past the brown stain on the wall to your right and it's the door marked "airlock" straight ahead of you on the left.

Londo: Thank you.

Lift Vree: (the doors shut but we can just hear his voice) Mauve Level... kiddies' vasectomies...

The Narn counter. It is obviously the same place with a roughly made sign "Complaints". Londo is standing there with Kosh, who now has a plate stuck to his headpiece and an enormous false chin about eight inches long and six inches across.

Londo: I don't want you.

Kosh: (speaking with difficulty) Oh, something wrong with your little Narn friend?

Londo: No! I'm not going to tell you.

Kosh: Something missing in the attribute department?

Jonas appears.

Jonas: Can I help you, sir?

Londo looks down and sees that Jonas is half bio-armored.

Londo: No! No! No! No!

Jonas: Oh, it's all right, sir, it's for the Guyver race later on.

Londo: No, no, no, I want to speak to the General Manager, I want to complain.

Jonas: Oh, well you want the Keeper Hall in that case, sir.

Londo: The what?

Jonas: The Keeper Hall, Mr Garabaldi. (he hops off)

Londo approaches a scarf counter where lady Assistant is serving two Drazi who are trying on purple and green scarves. Londo speaks to the Assistant.

Londo: (embarrassed) Excuse me - could you tell me the way to the Keeper Hall, please?

Assistant: Sorry?

Londo: The Keeper Hall.

Assistant: The what?

Londo: The Keeper Hall.

Assistant: Oh, the Keeper Hall. (loudly) Gladys, where are Keepers now?

Gladys: Keepers? (people start to look)

Assistant: This gentleman wants one.

Gladys: (even louder) A Keeper?

Londo: Well, no, actually...

Gladys: I think they're in surgical appliances now.

Assistant: That's right, yes, you go left at bodysnatcher pods and Borg implants, right at dentures and it's on your left just by Tlelilaxu eyes. It doesn't say Keepers to avoid embarrassing people, but you can smell 'em.

People by this time have formed a ring round to see who it is.

Londo: Thank you.

As he moves off people peer at his shoulder.

Woman: (to friend) You can see the eye.

Londo in order to avoid this embarrassment, dives into the nearest department. A sign over the door reads "Teep Cult Reading Room. Unregistered Blips Welcome".

The Reading Room is packed with members of Byron's sect. Lyta, or possibly Bester in a red wig and dress, presides, waited on by Zooty, who plies her with sherry. Londo stands quietly in the comer hoping not to be noticed.

Lyta: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, it's so nice to see such a large turnout this afternoon. And I'd like to start off by welcoming our guest speakers for this afternoon, Mr Wadsworth...

Wordsworth: Wordsworth!

Lyta: Sorry, Wordswords... Mr John Koots, and Percy Bysshe.

Shelley: Shelley!

Lyta: Just a little one, medium dry, (Zooty assistant pours her a sherry) and Alfred Lorde.

Tennyson: Tennyson.

Lyta: Tennis ball.

Tennyson: Son, son.

Lyta: Sorry - Alfred Lord, who is evidently Lord Tennisball's son. And to start off I'm going to ask Mr Wadsworth to recite his latest offering, a little pram entitled "I wandered lonely as a battlecrab" and it's all about Narns.

Murmur of exalted anticipation. Wordsworth rises rather gloomily.

Wordsworth:
I wandered lonely as a planetkiller
That floats on high over vales and hills
When all at once I saw a crowd
A host of golden worker Shadows.

Ripples of applause.

Lyta: Thank you, thank you, Mr Bradlaugh. Now, Mr Bysshe.

Shelley: Shelley.

Lyta: Oh... (Zooty refills her glass)... is going to read one of his latest psalms, entitled "Ode to a battlecrab".

Shelley: (rising: and taking his place quietly) Well, it's not about ships actually, it's called "Ozymandias". It's not an ode.

I met a First One from an antique land
Who said "Eight vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert
And on the pedestal these words appear
My name is Ozymandias, King of Shadows

oohs from his audience

Look on my pincers, Vorlons, and despair
I am the biggest Shadow you'll ever see
The Shadows of old weren't half as bold and big
And fierce as me".

Enormous applause.

Lyta: Thank you Mr Amontillado. I'd like to ask one or two of you at the back not to soil the carpet, there is a restroom upstairs if you find the poems too exciting (she falls over). Good afternoon, next, Mr Dennis Keat will recite his latest problem "Ode to a glass of sherry". (she falls off the podium)

Keats:
My heart aches and a drowsy numbness pains
My senses, as though a Vorlon I had seen

panic spreads and the audience half rise

A silicon-based brute

screams from the audience

With with filmy wings and false angelic brow
I seem to hear its cryptic taunts
Smash smash there goes my faceplate
Zap zap my eyeballs too

various screaming women faint

My head's in twain, there goes my brain
Swallow, swallow, swallow, slurp

Lyta: Mr Keats, Mr Keats, please leave immediately.

Several of the shorthaired, violent telepaths wrestle Keats out the door.

Keats: (shouts) It's true. Don't you see. It's true! It happens!

Lyta: Ladies and gentlemen, I do apologize for that last... well I hesitate to call it a pram ... but I had no idea ... and talking of filth... I have asked you once about the carpet ... Now, I do appreciate that last poem was very frightening... but please! Now before we move on to tea and pramwiches, I would like to ask Arthur Lord Tenniscourt to give us his latest little plum entitled 'The Charge of the Narn Bat Squad'.

Tennyson: Half an inch, half an inch...

Enter Delenn with a fanfare, followed by Sheridan's coffin.

All: Delenn, Delenn. (they all bow and scrape)

Delenn: My loyal subjects, we are here today on a matter of national import. My late husband and we are increasingly disturbed by recent developments in literary style that have taken place here on Minbar ... er, Babylon 5. There seems to be an increasing tendency for ze Zhadow... the Zhadow... the Shadow... to become the dominant ... was is der dentaches Zhadowiddungsbund...

Lennier: Theme.

Delenn: Theme ... of modern poetry here on Minbar. We are not ... amusiert? (Lennier whispers) Entertained. From now on, Shadows is verboten. Instead it's skylarks, daffodils, nightingales, light brigades and ... was ist das schreckliche Gepong ... es schmecke wie ein Scheisshaus... und so weiter. Well, we must away now or we shall be late for the races. God bless you alles.

Londo leaves. We cut to him outside a door with a sign saying 'Electric Kettles '.

Voice: Psst! Electric kettles over here, sir.

INT - KEEPER HALL

A hand holding a sign saying "Keepers" beckons him. He goes over to door and is ushered through. There are pictures of famous world figures with Keepers on the walls....

Regent: Don't worry, sir, you're among friends now, sir. (the Regent has an appalling Keeper; Londo sees it and tries not to stare; the Regent introduces his assistants) Capt. Jack, Mr Drake. (Jack and Drake come forward; each has a Keeper worse than the others) These are our fitters, sir. We've had a lot of experience in this field and we do pride ourselves we offer the best and most discreet service available. I don't know whether you'll believe this sir, but one of us is actually wearing a Keeper at this moment...

Londo: Well, you all are, aren't you?

They rush to a mirror.

Capt. Jack: Have you got one?

Drake: Yes, but I didn't know...

Regent: I didn't realize that you two.., I thought it was me...

Capt. Jack: Yes, I thought it was me.

Drake: So did I. (to Capt. Jack) That is good.

Londo: Actually, I only came in here to ask where the manager's office was.

Regent: Just a minute - someone told you we all had Keepers?

Londo: No.

Capt. Jack: Oh yeah?

Drake: How did you know?

Londo: Well ... it's pretty obvious, isn't it?

Capt. Jack: What do you mean obvious! His is undetectable.

Londo: Well, it's liver-colored, for a start.

Drake: Is it?

Capt. Jack: Course it isn't!

Londo: And it doesn't fit in with the rest of his shoulder... it sort of sticks up in the middle.

Drake: It's better than yours.

Capt. Jack: Yes.

Londo: I'm not wearing one. (they all jeer)

Regent: Oh, I see, you haven't got one.

Capt. Jack: Why did you come in here then?

Londo: They told me to find the manager's office here.

They all jeer again.

Drake: Oh no, not again.

Capt. Jack: That's a bit lame, isn't it...

Londo: It's the truth!

All: Manager's office. (they laugh mockingly)

Drake: Yeah, look at it. Where did you get that, Centauri Prime?

Regent: Dreadful, isn't it?

Londo: I haven't got one, look. (he takes a drink from his hip flask )

All: Oh yeah, anyone can do that.

They all do the same. Drake incautiously takes the plug out of his, and his Keeper goes berzerk.

Regent: Look, do you want a proper one?

Londo: No, I don't need one.

Drake: There's no need to be ashamed.

Capt. Jack: We've all owned up.

Londo: I'm not wearing one.

They all look at each other for a moment, registering "a hard case".

Regent: Don't you see... this is something you've got to come to terms with.

Londo: I am not wearing a Keeper! They just told me to come in here to find the manager's office, to complain about my Narn!

They look at each other.

Capt. Jack: Pathetic, isn't it.

Drake: Complain about a Narn?

Regent: This is for your own good.

He grabs a jar marked "1 Keeper, strictly fresh". A fight ensues in which all the assistants get their Keepers splashed with Bravari. Londo is backed up against a door marked: "Absolutely no admittance". He suddenly ducks out through this door...

INT - MANAGER'S OFFICE

Londo turns and double takes. It is the manager's office. There is a placard on the desk reading "Complaints Dept". There is a long line of people sitting waiting to complain. The manager looks up. It's Ann Sheridan.

Ann: (irritably) All right. Take a seat.

Londo shuts the door and takes a seat at the end of a line often people waiting to complain. At the desk is the lady with the flame thrower. Part of the manager's desk and the entire corner of the office are blackened and smoking.

Ripley: You see! There ought to be a safety catch on it, I mean ... ohhhh! (a spurt of flame shoots out) I mean, what if this fell into the wrong hands?

Ann: Yes, madam. I'll speak to the makers personally, all right?

Ripley: Would you? It would put my mind at ease.

She leaves closing the door. We hear the flame thrower.

Ripley (oov): Sorry...

Ann: Next?

Captain Smith: I've got a complaint to make.

Ann: Do take a seat. I'm sorry it's on fire.

Capt. Smith: Oh, not at all. (he sits on it) I got used to this out east.

Ann: Where were you out east?

Capt. Smith: Oh, Proxima ... Mars ... places like that... oh I'm terribly sorry, my suit seems to keep catching fire.

Ann: Extinguisher?

Capt. Smith: Oh no, thank you, I think we'd better let it run its course. I was just thinking... Mars is not very east, is it? I should have said when I was out north. (he slaps at the flames)

Ann: Are there many fires on Mars?

Capt. Smith: Good Lord yes. The place is a constant blaze. Wooden buildings, d'you know. I lost my wife on Mars.

Ann: I am sorry to hear that.

Capt. Smith: Why, did you know her?

Ann: No, I meant...

Capt. Smith: Oh I see. No, she wasn't a favorite of mine. We were out strolling across a mudflat one day when one of the local Gaib came out of his Sietch and flung a load of old kligats and bat'leths out that he'd got cluttering up his wine cellar and apparently rather a large proportion of them landed on my wife causing her to snuff it without much more ado.

During this conversation, Londo has been creeping up toward the desk stealthily. Then the strides up to it as if he owned it.

Londo: Excuse me for interrupting, but you are Captain Smith, yes?

Capt. Smith: I should think so.

Londo: Good. Captain Sheridan has been looking for you...

Capt. Smith: What does that rebellious upstart want with me?

Londo: He told me that, and this is an exact quote, if you didn't get your "treacherous squashy buttocks" off his station, he'd give them "a royal hiding".

Capt. Smith: Sheridan said what?!?

Londo: That's what he said. Oh, and he also said that you were "a twisted goon" and that your mother was an "inflamed loxodont."

Capt. Smith: Did he really? Well, we'll soon see about that...(He storms off)

Londo: Since I'm here anyway, I might as well complain about my Narn, Marcus, who I bought earlier today. I bought him under false pretenses.

Ann: Yes?

Londo: Yes. I was assured that I would be getting a champion Kharee, only to discover after I'd made the purchase that he had a false eye and was lacking two attributes.

Ann: Is that all? No other complaints?

Londo: Well, now that you mention it, people keep calling me 'Garabaldi'. My name is not Garabaldi, it's Mollari. The two names aren't even remotely alike.

Ann: I see. (Pause) You don't want the complaints department.

Londo: I don't?

Ann: No. You want the endings department. (Ann flips over the placard to read "Endings Dept".) How may I help you, sir?

Londo: I'd like an ending please.

Ann: Very good sir, we have a wide variety of endings from which to choose. There is the famous "debate school" ending...

Londo: What's that like?

CUT TO:

INT - ZOCALO

Sheridan stands in front of Delenn, Lorien, Ivanova, Lennier, and Marcus. Facing him are holographic versions of Ann and Londo.

Sheridan: I don't know but it seems to me that you're the ones who should answer those questions. (To Ann) "How can I help you" and (to Londo) "I'd like to complain about my Narn". Now get the hell out of our Zocalo!

Londo: (to Lorien) Will you come with us?

Lorien: Yes, I will.

Londo and Ann fade away.

Sheridan: You're not going with them?

Lorien: I must. And some day, in a million years or so, you may join us...beyond the Zocalo. (Lorien changes into a ball of energy and disappears).

INT - MANAGER'S OFFICE

Londo: That one seems like a bit of a letdown. What else do you have?

Ann: Well, if that's too quiet for your taste, there's "loud epic".

Londo: That sounds better. What's that like?

Ann: Blowing up something very big.

CUT TO:

CGI - SPACE - SHADOW PLANETKILLER

The Shadow planetkiller looms towards Earth. Londo flies towards it in a tiny Centauri fighter; Zooty's helmeted head can be seen sticking out of the back. Other small fighters are battling with Vorlon-style squid fighters.

Londo: I'm starting my run. Vir, cover me.

Vir (oov):What with?

Londo: Just cover me.

Londo's fighter enters the exhaust port. Three Vorlon fighters follow.

CUT TO:

Interior of the lead Vorlon fighter. Ulkesh is at the controls.

Ulkesh: Stay on the leader.

CUT TO:

Interior of Londo's fighter. Londo is looking at the targeting computer.

Lorien (oov): Trust the flarn, Londo.

Vir (on comm): What's wrong, Londo? You've shut down the targeting computer!

Londo: I'm all right, I'm all right.

Ulkesh fires. Plasma strikes Londo's ship and Zooty blows up.

Londo: I've lost Zooty! No great loss...

Londo's ship rockets down the chute. Plasma cannons blast away, tension builds...

Londo: I can see it!

Ulkesh: The avalance has started...

A graphic of Londo's ship drifts into plasma range.

Ulkesh:..it is too late for the pebbles to vote! (He starts to fire)

Suddenly Ulkesh's escort ships blow up and he is hurled free of the chute.

Ulkesh: Impudent!

Indiana Narn (on comm): Whooeee! You're all clear kid! Let's blow this thing and go home!

Londo fires. The photon torpedoes go into the exhaust portal. All the fighters break off and the Shadow planetkiller explodes!

INT - MANAGER'S OFFICE

Ann: Well, what do you think?

Londo: It was certainly more exciting than the last one... Do you have anything else?

Ann: (wearily) You certainly have a discriminating taste. What about "quiet epic"?

Londo: Show me.

EXT - MARS - DESERT

A distressed looking bus drives through the desert. Through the windows we can see some post-apocalyptic survivor-types, including an 8-year-old, feral version of Ann, along with some large bins of spoo.

Old Ann (voiceover): ...the spoo, the precious spoo had been hidden in the vehicles. As for me, one day a grew to womanhood, the Complaints Manager of the Great Northern Department Store...

Cut to Londo, wearing a battered leather space suit and looking thoughtfully into the distance.

Old Ann (voiceover): But as for the Narn Customer, he lives now...only in my memory.

INT - MANAGER'S OFFICE

Londo: It has a certain economy, but it's a bit of a downer. Don't you have anything else?

Ann: We have an ending that wraps up the whole Micheal Garabaldi thing.

Londo: Yes, yes?

Ann: But to do that we would've had to cut out the Teeps. No time for it now.

Roll Credits