The following story contains implied f/f sexual situations. Please do not read if you are underage or homophobic.
Thanks to my beta angels, Eileen and Jadzia.
Tuvok stared at Captain Kathryn Janeway with a look on his face that could almost equal surprise. As a Vulcan, he did not show his emotions, but this was one of the rare times he found it difficult to control them. They were sitting in the captain's ready room and she had just said the most incredible thing to him. He felt like laughing....hysterically laughing in all actuality.
"I want you to help me pick a lover." Janeway repeated.
"I was afraid I had heard you correctly." Tuvok said dryly. "Why would you wish my help on such an personal endeavor."
Janeway laughed and touched his arm. "I thought that part would be obvious. You are the most impartial person on board and you are the only one who I can count on to be truthful and not become emotionally involved in the situation."
"I would think this is a personal decision to be made by the two parties in question and also you should be the one getting emotionally involved in this, don't you think?" Tuvok questioned.
"But that's it in a nutshell. I don't want to get personally involved. I'm lonely and I need companionship. I don't want a romantic involvement, just..." Janeway blushed realizing how this all must sound.
"An affair?" Tuvok finished. "A one night stand?"
Janeway blushed again. "Well, maybe not just one night..."
Tuvok looked at her thoughtfully. "Captain, can I ask why now?"
"I think it's time, Tuvok. I think it's time." Janeway didn't think she needed to confide all the details of her plan to him. At least not right away.
"It's not an order, Tuvok. I'd like you do do this favor for me as a friend, not because I'm your captain." Janeway stated.
Tuvok gave her an impassionate stare. "I will help you. Is there anything I should know before start gathering data?"
Janeway giggled. "It's not a science mission. What do you need to know?"
"Is there anyone that you rule out right away? Or any type of person?" Tuvok questioned.
"Well, of course I would want someone who is available. I don't want to break up any relationships or anything. Also, someone who wouldn't be intimitated by my rank. And I don't want it to be Chakotay." She said softly.
Tuvok looked up quickly from his notes. "He would have been my first possibility. Why not him?"
Janeway frowned slightly. "He's too attached already. I never wanted to be involved with someone who I work so closely with. And I don't want someone who will fall in love with me."
Tuvok stared at Janeway. "I can give you a list of several candidates tomorrow morning, but you will ultimately have to make the final decision. And remember, Captain, you can't control who loves you....or who you love. Only Vulcans hold that kind of control over emotion."
Janeway rose from her seat and shook Tuvok's hand. "I look forward to your report in the AM. And please keep this top secret."
Tuvok almost winced. "Of course Captain. You can count on me to be discreet."
And with that he left the ready room.
The rest of the day passed rather uneventfully, but unbearably slowly for Janeway. She had made up her mind months ago that as long as they were stuck in the Delta Quadrant, she would take some much needed time for herself. Besides exploring her passionate side, she had discovered that she was losing her edge when it came to her scientific prowess. In the Academy she was at the top of her class in all the math and science courses, but lately she realized that she was losing the ability to remember the complicated formulas that used to come so easy to her.
To fix this Janeway had asked Seven of Nine to frequently challenge her with mathematical equasions and rate her response time. Seven, of course, found her lacking and had shared some memory techniques the Borg had accumulated from several different species. Also, Janeway had developed a habit of dropping by engineering at the end of B'Elanna's shift and engaging her in complicated discussions of quantum physics and they often extended their discussions over dinner in the mess hall after shift change.
As a result, the Captain was feeling much better about herself mentally and could concentrate on her physical side. She thought she was in better shape than she was in the Academy thanks to her games of Velocity with Seven and a few stress relieving workouts she managed to sneak in each week on the holodeck. It was time to release all that sexual energy that had been building for five years. Ok, she knew how to release that when she was alone, but what fun was that.
Janeway grabbed a quick bite to eat in the mess hall and walked slowly back to her quarters pondering what names would be on the list provided by Tuvok, tomorrow. She hoped it wasn't alot, because she wasn't good at making those decisions. Or why else would she ask her Chief of Security to pick someone to be involved with her. She figured she would see a name on the list and know immediately it was the right person. 'Quit worrying' she told herself. 'Everything will be ok.'
**************After a relatively sleepless night, Janeway rolled over and turned off her chronometer hours before it was due to go off. Sleep was elusive and she decided to take a walk to clear her head before the start of Alpha shift. She took a quick shower and made her way around the ship in a haphazard pattern, finally ending up in engineering.
She walked over to the warp core, mesmorized by it's lulling sound and flashing lights. She leaned her head on the rail surrounding it and closed her eyes. A hand touched her shoulder and she jumped, startled.
"Sorry, Captain. I thought you were ill." Janeway turned and saw B'Elanna standing there with a puzzled expression on her face.
"I'm fine." she assured her Chief Engineer. "I just didn't sleep well last night."
"Next time see Neelix." B'Elanna said cheerfully. "He has some Talaxian ale that would knock out a Klingon thunderbeast."
"Thanks, but I try to steer clear of Neelix's private stock since the last party."
B'Elanna's smile faded a bit in rememberance, but she tried hard not to let it show. "Well, I better get back to work."
"I didn't realize you were on Gamma shift this rotation. I was surprised to see you here." Janeway stated.
Since all shift rotations passed over the Captain's desk, she knew Janeway had known she was assigned to the Beta shift this week. "Actually I'm just finishing up some final repairs from our run in with the Hirogen. I thought I would put in some extra time while it was quiet."
Janeway shook her finger "Now don't work too hard. I'm sure someone else can help with the repairs. I don't want our best engineeer worn out when we might need her."
B'Elanna beamed. "I know, but I like to see it's done right."
She watched as the Captain turned and walked of the department. 'That went well.' she thought to herself. She took to reflect on the conversation. 'I think the Captain actually cares aboout me working too much. Maybe even cares personally.' B'Elanna didn't let her mind dwell on that too long. She had spend many a moment thinking about Captain Janeway and the majority of it wasn't in a professional manner.
It had all started when the Captain had a little too much to drink at one of Neelix's parties. B'Elanna had offered to see her home and ended up spending the night listening to Janeway talk about her life from childhood to present day. It was very revealing.
Soon after that the Captain had started "dropping by" engineering to talk. These discussions started about the ship and led to a variety of subjects including engineering, mathematics, physics and even personal subjects. The two would retire to the messhall and often dinner would go untouched as the discussions grew more involved. B'Elanna loved sharing this private time with the Captain and secretly wondered if the Captain was feeling as close to her as well.
With one last glance the door Janeway had exited, she went back to work on the repairs. What B'Elanna did not see was another pair of adoring eyes and the same wistful expression, but this stare was fixed directly on B'Elanna herself.
**************When Janeway finally made her way to the bridge it was time to start Alpha shift. She relieved Chakotay and listened somewhat distracted to his summary of the night's scans. Nothing new to report and she settled in her chair preoccupied. She knew Tuvok had left the list of candidates on her desk, but she had wasted too much time to read them before the shift started. Now she was stuck in completing her duties for another 8 hours....unless she could find a way to excuse herself to her ready room on a business-related manner.
"I'm getting an early start on personnel reports today. Tuvok you have the conn."
The Captain glanced at Tuvok as she passed him and swore she saw a smirk on his face.
She entered her ready room and went immediately to her desk. There it was...the PADD that would hold the answers to her prayers. She quickly decrypted the locking codes with her authorization and stared at the list.
Only three names....but this had to be a joke. Was Tuvok kidding and the real list was actually on another PADD. She glanced around, but did not see another unit and she worried as she knew Tuvok was not known for his sense of humor.
Janeway tapped her commbadge and ordered "Tuvok to my ready room." Within seconds Tuvok was seted across from her, a neutral expression upon his face.
"Should I be laughing at this?" she asked as she waved the PADD at him.
"I do not understand, Captain. Are you not pleased at the suggestions?" Tuvok questioned impassionately.
"Pleased?" Janeway laughed."I thought you were joking."
"Vulcans do not joke as it causes joy, which is an emotion we avoid like all others."
Janeway leaned back in her chair and studied him. "Then you were serious about this." She felt a funny feeling rise in the pit of her stomach.
"Yes. Do they not meet your qualifications?"
She got up and paced over to the portal and back again. "When I asked you to find me a lover I assumed you would know I wanted a man."
Tuvok stared. "Then perhaps you should have been more specific in your request."
"You are telling me that out of the entire crew the three people most suited to me are all women? I find that hard to believe." Janeway sighed.
"Let me explain how I came to this conclusion. I programmed the computer with your likes and dislikes and matched those with members of the crew. From there I removed anyone involved in a relationship or anyone that would not be a compatible match physically.."
"What do you mean by that?" Janeway interrupted.
"Any species that would not confine to the mating habits of a human female. All species are not compatible sexually you know." Tuvok stated.
"Oh." Even Janeway had the good graces to blush at that comment. "Thank you for remembering that.
"As I was saying," Tuvok admonished. "I then chose the canditates that had the personality qualities that would make a good match for you, strength, strong character, honesty, and passion."
Janeway rose her eyebrows at the last comment. "Passion, Tuvok? Are you sure you remember what that is?" she teased.
"Just because I do not show emotions does not mean I do not know how important they are in others, especially humans."
"And you believe that only females can give me that passion?" she asked.
"I believe that you need someone that can see beyond your role as the Captain, someone that is not afraid to stand up to you for what they believe in."
The Captain stared down at the list again. "But whey specifically these three....Seven, B'Elanna, and Alexandra Kinsey? I am not sure I even know Ensign Kinsey."
Tuvok took a deep breath as he tried to explain. "You and Seven have a connection since you freed her from the collective. You may see it as something maternal, but I believe it is deeper than that. B'Elanna is strong and aggressive. I've seen you two together in the mess hall involved in discussions and you two seem very content."
"And Ensign Kinsey?"
"For starters she is an excellent crewman. I have just recommended her to start training with the beta security squad."
Janeway rasied her eyebrows again. "She's that good?" knowing that Tuvok's beta squad was comprised of the best members of the crew and could rival any Starfleet squad if they back in the Alpha Quadrant.
"Is she interested in that? I see here that she is in engineering now. She is on the Gamma shift which must be why I am unfamiliar with her." This bothered Janeway as she liked to know all her crewmembers by name when seeing them.
Tuvok said "I haven't asked her as of yet. I wanted to present the facts to you first."
"Well, maybe she will have enough on her plate with the new position." Janeway mulled.
"Then you are interested in her, Captain?" Tuvok proded.
"I didn't say that. I want to feel close to someone, have them to confide in, but not become entangled in some long term committed relationship. Is there any other reason you chose Kinsey for the list?"
Tuvok hesitated. "She is an active lesbian."
"Is that what you think I am, Tuvok. Or want to be?" Janeway scoffed.
"I am well aware of your involvements with women at the Academy so please don't appear offended, Captain."
"I know that I told you about those experiences, but those were just experiemnts. Obviously I chose to be with men in the end. I was engaged several times."
"And those relationships did not work out, did they?"
"I am not going to dignify that with a response." Janeway said becoming angry. "You know exactly why they didn't and it had little to do with me."
Tuvok rose. "I just ask you to think about my suggestions." And with that he left her ready room.
Janeway pondered the subject throughout her shift and felt exceedingly distracted during the day. At dinner that night in the mess hall, she spotted Ensign Alexandra Kinsey chatting with several fellow crew members. She was surprised that she didn't recall what the young woman looked like before. Janeway had gone into the crew's personnel files and pulled up a picture of her. She certainly was strikingly beautiful with a mass of long, curly red hair and bright blue eyes.
As Janeway watched, the crew members seemed to be encouraging Kinsey to leave the mess hall and go somewhere with them. Apparently she could not be convinced and soon she was alone at her table engrossed in a thick book.
Janeway took a deep breath, summoned her courage and walked over to the younger woman.
"Poetry? I hadn't pictured you as a prose fan." Janeway observed. Maybe she had more in common with this woman than she had thought. "Elizabeth Berret Browning's 'How do I love thee?' How romantic."
Kinsey shifted in her seat, embarrased to be caught reading such a piece by the Captain. "Is there something I can help you with Captain?"
"Well, yes. But I'd like to discuss it in a little more private area. Would you join me in my quarters for a drink?"
Kinsey tried not to fall off the chair from surprise. The Captain had barely acknowledged her before today and now here she was asking her to have a drink in her quarters. No one but the senior staff ever saw the Captain's personal quarters and even those invitatiions were few and far between.
"Sure, Captain. I'd be honored."
Kinsey followed the Captain down the corridor and into the turbolift. An uncomfortable silence settled upon them, each woman sneaking sidelong glances at the other. Kinsey's thoughts were going a mile a minute wondering why the Captain would ask to see her privately. She was confident that her performance of her duties were adequate so she was puzzled at what it could be.
The lift stopped on the second floor and they exited together. Janeway led the way to her quarters as Kinsey followed cautiously clutching her poetry volume as a makeshift shield. Once inside, Janeway motioned for the younger woman to have a seat on the nearby couch. "What would you like to drink, a glass of wine perhaps?" Janeway asked.
"No thank you. I'm on duty in a few hours. How about some fruit juice?" Kinsey explained.
"Oh, of course. I'm sorry, I should have known that. Please forgive me."
Kinsey blushed. The Captain was asking her forgiveness? She sure was acting strange. "Captain, " Kinsey started once she had received her drink and was seated comfortably next to her. "I hope this has nothing to do with my performance record."
"No, of course not. And why don't you call me Kathryn. This discussion is of a personal nature and I think that's appropriate."
Kinsey blanched. "OK. Kathryn." The name felt strange as it rolled off her tongue. "Please call me Alex."
Kathryn smiled. "That's a beautiful name. Quite fitting for such a lovely woman."
"Thanks." Alex said a bit uncomfortably. "Can you tell me what this is about?"
"This has to be kept in the strictest of confidence" Kathryn pleaded.
"OK" assured Alex.
"Actually," said Kathryn. "I'd like to know more about the lesbian lifestyle."
"Alex gasped and almost choked on her fruit juice. "You what?"
Kathryn sat back unamused. She tried a different tactic. "How do you know you are gay?"
"I'm gay because I love being with women." Alex smiled. "Not just the physical part, but the connection at the emotional level." She looked at the Captain sideways. "Why the interest? Do you know someone who is ready to come out of the proverbial closet?"
Kathryn stared, confused.
"Back in the 20th century, gay folks like me were not accepted. When they hid their true feelings and pretended to be straight, it was called being in the closet."
"What if you are in the closet so long, you are afraid to come out?" Kathryn asked.
"Kathryn, it's OK to be scared." Alex turned and took the Captain's hands in hers. "No one will disrespect you for being honest to yourself."
"I never said it was me." Kathryn protested.
"Neither did I, but you protest a little too much. How about I ask you some questions to better discover your feelings."
Kathryn swallowed and gave a small nod.
"Are you attracted to women?"
"Yes" a tiny voice answered.
"In a physical sense, not just your protective sense as Captain?"
"Yes."
"Have you ever been intimate with a woman?"
"Yes...a long time ago." Kathryn blushed.
This surprised Alex, but she did not press for details.
"Have you wanted to be with women since then?"
"Yes, but I haven't." Kathryn admitted. "I just thought Starfleet would disapprove. It's silly. I know it's fully accepted in most cultures these days for two or even three women to be together. I'm not sure why I have such old-fashioned values."
"May I speak freely, Captain?"
Kathryn laughed. "I thought we were. Proceed."
"I think that you chose to have relationships with men because you knew they wouldn't work out. You don't like people to get too close and you like your private space. You don't like sharing everything and I think you know that would happen in a successful relationship with a woman."
"And how is it that you know so much about me?" Kathryn demanded.
"Because I was the exact same way." Alex admitted truthfully. "Until I met someone who changed my life. My lover, Jendi, taught me that complete honesty is the only way to truly connect with someone..." Kinsey trailed off.
"What happened to her?" Kathryn asked softly.
"She died 6 years ago giving birth to our child. That's why I signed on for this mission."
Kathryn's eyes filled with tears. "And I gave you a long time to dwell on it by stranding us in the Delta Quadrant."
"Thank you." Alex replied. "This time has allowed me to find closure and realize I had to get on with my life."
"No one has ever thanked me for stranding them here." she laughed. "Are you dating again?"
"Uh, no." Kinsey shifted uncomfortably.
"I thought you said you were ready? What's stopping you?"
"The object of my affection doesn't know I'm alive. She walks right by me and at times it seems she's looking right through me." Alex pouted.
"Who is it?" Kathryn demanded. "Maybe I can help."
"What can you do, order her to talk to me? No thanks."
"I just spilled my most intimate secrets, you owe me one. Tell me who it is and I promise I won't mention it to her or anyone."
"Well, OK. It's B'Elanna Torres." Alex admitted.
Kathryn grinned her crooked smile. "How come you haven't asked her out?"
"She's my commanding officer. I can't violate protcol like that. The Captain would kick my butt."
"Yes, I hear she's a tough old bird." Kathryn joked. "But maybe it won't be a problem much longer"
"What do you mean?" asked Alex with concern.
"I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but you are up for a promotion. Tuvok wants you to join his beta security squad."
"Really." squeeked Kinsey. "That would be great. Not just because I won't report to B'Elanna. I've always wanted to be on the security team. I didn't think Tuvok noticed me."
"Apparently he thinks you would be a great asset to the team and he is impressed with the way you have handled yourself in other tactical situations." Janeway praised.
"Wow, this is amazing. It looks like all my dreams are coming true." She glanced at Kathryn. "But what about you? Is there someone you might like to be with?"
"Don't worry about me." Janeway reassured. "I'll be fine. Why don't you drop by for dinner tomorrow evening here and we'll talk some more. And wear something nice." Janeway winked at her.
"What are you up to, Captain?" Kinsey demanded.
"Never you mind. Just be here at 1900 sharp and leave everything to me. And remember it's Kathryn. I'd like to be friends."
"Friends it is." Kinsey grinned and quickly exited humming softly to herself.
Kathryn sighed and began cleaning up the beverages. Maybe she could play matchmaker and make her crew happy even if she wasn't. She cringed. Who was she kidding. When that list of names flashed on the PADD she knew immediately who she wanted to be with. The person who occupied most of her waking thoughts for the last year. The most amazing woman she had ever seen.....Seven of Nine. Ever since rescuing her from the Borg collective, Kathryn couldn't get her out of her mind. She even dreamt about Seven most nights.
Now that Tuvok had seconded her thoughts, it was starting to feel real. She wanted Seven, but she didn't know how to tell her. She had almost confessed her feelings to Ensign Kinsey and pleaded for help. But she always had to appear as the strong Captain, ever in control. Never show them your weaknesses. Besides, she had a mission to get Alex and B'Elanna together. She could worry about her lovelife later.
end part one
