An SCA History of the Entire Known World by Sir Batshit ap Llewellyn FitzDogroot of Frontbottom translated from the Forsooth
October 29th, 4004 BC, 9.00am Creation of the universe.
Fifteen nanoseconds later Creation of the first Lycra.
Early Periods. Nothing happened at this time
The Ancient Period (400 BC to 300 AD) There were a few Romans and some Samurai, but not much else.
The Dark and Barbarous Ages (300 AD to 1200 AD) This was a very uncourtly period. Everyone wore furs and bikinis made of wolfskins and mail. No armor was ever worn apart from helmets with horns on them. The guy with the biggest horns on his helmet was the chief. Really powerful chiefs had huge horns, like whole moose antlers on their helmets, and they had to get two other guys to follow them around to help hold their heads up. You had to have horns on your helmet to let other people know you were chief, because no-one could speak in this period, though they could make grunting noises. The main economic activity was breaking things and the main past-time was pillaging.
The only exceptions to these rules were the Vikings. They were more like medieval people, except they hadn't learned to wear Lycra yet. They could speak forsooth though, and were quite courteous. Famous personalities in this period include Conan the Barbarian, Conan the Destroyer, Conan the Conqueror and Hagar the Horrible. Egil Skallagrimmson may have lived in this period, but he is more likely to have been a myth. His sword Blood-drinker is definitely a myth - just ask Duke Norseguy Norseguysson.
The Middle Ages (1200 AD to the Present Day). This period began when some unknown genius discovered how to make tights out of Lycra. The whole of human civilisation was transformed almost overnight by this discovery, a new dawn of the human spirit broke on the horizon of barbarism and a great renaissance of discovery and wild invention began.
Following hot on the heels of the discovery of Lycra tights came the first rattan cane swords. These were very fairly primitive instruments, until Lord Rabbitfart von Backbosom discovered silver duct tape, which made rattan swords look much more shiny and clean. More discoveries followed in rapid succession, rubber chicken heads to adorn knightly helms (1253 AD), ugg boots (1301 AD), hot pink crushed velvet for robes (1324 AD) and, finally, plastic pickle barrels for making armor out of (1350 AD).
With the technological advent of plastic pickle-barrel armor, the age of chivalry dawned and has continued ever since. Plastic armor and, to a lesser extent carpet armor, transformed the fighting field in the same way lycra transformed the feast hall. Now everybody could be chivalrous to everybody else. Every one was everyone else's lord or lady, regardless of the rules of logic, and all peasants promptly disappeared.
These civilising inventions soon transformed the political system. The primitive tribal structure of guys with big horns on their helmets was soon replaced by a new and much more shiny medieval system. To express it simply, all belted fighters of a given kingdom/principate or autonomous ducal or sub-ducal area, given that their armor and other fighting-associated, body-attached equipment had been assessed and deemed worthy by the seventeen committees and sub-committees of the Marshals-in-Chief and sub-principiate Marshals-in-not-so-Chief, and that they had signed the 72 page waiver documents in the still steaming blood of their first born child, could do battle with shiny duct-tape covered rattan (of approved diameter) for the honor of their lady/lord/same gendered significant other/trans-gendered co-equal lifestyle sharing but socially uninhibited partner.
The object of this chivalrous and courteous combat was to hit the living bejesus out of his/her/their most esteemed and honoured opponent, but not to touch the hands, groin, knees, lower legs, elbows, hipjoints, pancreas, endocrine system, coccyx or brain. When a round robin, elimination style, back to back series of combats had been run in full rotation forty three times, the remaining combatants were then to fight another one on one, all-in, elimination series, before casting lots with the jawbone of an ass to see who was to observe the flight of passing birds and thus figure out who was to fight the final seven score and fifty combats.
The winner was declared king.
The king, of course, then ruled with absolute power alongside his lady/lord/same gendered significant other/trans-gendered co-equal lifestyle sharing but socially uninhibited partner, though he could not make any laws, edicts, promulgations or articles which may (or may not) infringe in any way the right of another man, woman, child, or multi-gendered elf-like creature to do anything they may have liked to do if they had a mind to act in that way, nor could they stop anyone from being as Californian as they wanted.
They also only ruled for six months and then the whole process started all over again. See, isn't that simple? It's small wonder everyone in the Middle Ages was/is so happy.
Conclusion:
So, now you know all about the Middle Ages.
Some may try and tell you it wasn't like that at all, but to that I would reply "Prove it wasn't". After all, it might have been, and you can't trust what historians say because they're just stuffy academics who spend all their time reading dumb books, instead of living their dreams like me. You have to live your dreams to understand the Middle Ages.
And if we all close our eyes really, really tight and wish really, really hard maybe we can believe that history wasn't as it was, but as it should have been. Or as Science Fiction fans and trekkies from California thought it should have been anyway.
And maybe we can believe that elves exist. And dragons! And hobbits!! And maybe I can have that pet unicorn I've always wanted! And maybe we can fly with the aliens to Alpha Centauri on magic dolphins! And maybe...
oh dear, here they come again to hold me down and give me some more injections. Time to sleep, time to sleep ....'
This was sent to me by Kriss on April 2001.
