Regrets

She lay as though she were possessed, her eyes glazed, her lips parted for her shallow breath to escape from, her skin pale, her tears motionless on her cheeks.So confused, so angry, all she had were questions.She did not understand, she could not understand, why? what had she done wrong? All she ever did was love him. She knew they could never be together, yet she still dreamed that they had a future.Two years of her life she had wasted loving him, and somehow she still did, she would never stop, how could she? He was the man she wanted to be with more than anything, she loved him more than life itself. He had never been kind to her, he had always used her, he led her on, making her believe that maybe, just maybe, he even gave a damn about her.But she knew the truth, he didn't, he never had and he never would. She would have gladly died tommorow only knowing his kiss, having felt his touch. She would sell her soul to feel it all again.Slowly, her slim white hand pulled a picture from her wallet.She gazed at it with fresh tears welling in her eyes. It was of him, and just looking at his cocky smile in the picture brought back so many memories. Memories of pain, mostly. Thinking of it now, she realized all he ever did was hurt her, how could she love a man like that? She remembered the last time that they had spoken, he had told her she was to "immature" for him, and that he could not be bothered with stupid highschool bullshit. Also, he had just turned nineteen, and she was only fifteen. She was to young, she would always be to young.So much pain, that was all she felt at that moment.Her body was numb, cold, so very cold. She couldn't feel,and she would never again.Slowly, she lifted her stiff body from the bed, and reached for and object on her nightstand. It was a razorblade, and she closed her small, white fingers around it, feeling the cool metal of the blade it's self, and she knew what she had to do. For years, she had been cutting herself, she hated her body, her skin. She cut herself out of pain, of frustration, because she was to weak to do it fully and kill herself.But not now. She had the strength now, she knew she was compelled by her agony, and she wouldn't have the courage to do it in the morning. She just wanted it all to end, her life, her pain.She wanted it all to go away, she wanted to go away. Never come back, never, never, never.Her tears felt as cold as she did. She didn't want to do it, but she had to. What happened next was like a dream. She took the razor and cut as hard as she could along the vein. She cried out at the pain, but she continued on the other, and soon, the pain felt so good, so comforting. Then she realized what she had done, and dropped the razor with bloody fingers, and fell back on to the soft carpet of the floor. The blood pounded silently from the gashes at her wrist. She sobbed and then began to just think. She thought of her mother, it would kill her mother, she loved her very much. How could she do this? It would be so painful to explain to everyone...but she started to feel so good.....so lost.....so empty....it felt incredible. She then thought of her bestfriend....never again would they stay up all night talking on the phone, never talk about crushes or how much they hated history class, they had always had each other, and now she would have no one....Now all her fear was gone and she was starting to lose conciousness.She then realized she was still clasping the picture of HIM.It was all folded and smeared with blood but she still made out his face. "My love..." she whipered hoarsly as the dark embrace enfolded her, giving her one last thought of happiness, even if he did mistreat her, it calmed her and her last thoughts were of him.Slowly she sank down into the warm deapths, feeling content for the first time in years.....CopyrightM.Eddy2001