IF A GIRL ISN'T PRETTY

If a girl isn't pretty
Like a Miss Atlantic City,
All she gets in life
Is pity and a pat.

Is a nose with deviation
Such a crime against the nation?
Should I throw her into jail
Or drown the cat?
She must shine in ev'ry detail
Like a ring you're buying retail,
Be a standard size that
Fits a standard dress.
When a girl's incidentals
Are no bigger than two lentils
Then to me that doesn't spell success.


If a girl isn't pretty
Like a Miss Atlantic City,
She should dump the stage
And try another route.
Any guy who pays a quarter
For a seat just feels he oughter
See a figger that his wife can't
Substitute.
Kid, my heart ain't made of marble
But your rhythm's really horr'ble
And that map of yours just ain't no
Valentine.
Everything you got's about right,
But the damn thing don't come out right
So forget it, kid,
And just resign.

If a girl isn't pretty,
If a girl isn't pretty,
if a girl isn't pretty,
If a girl isn't pretty,
If a girl isn't pretty,
She should get a job,
Go get a job--
Get any job
Get a weekly pay,
'Cause if a girl isn't pretty
Like a Miss Atlantic City,
She's a real Miss Nobody, U.S.A.

I'M THE GREATEST STAR

Listen,
I've got thirty-six expressions--
Sweet as pie to tough as leather,
And that's six expressions more
Than all them Barrymores put together.
Instead of just kicking me
Why don't they give me a lift?
It must be a plot,
'Cause they're scared that I got
Such a gift--well, I'm miffed--'cause

I'm the greatest star--
I am by far, but no one knows it!
Wait, they're gonna hear a voice,
A silver flute--ah hah, ah hah--
They'll cheer each toot
(Yay! She's terrific!)
When I expose it!
Now, can't you see to look at me
That I'm a nach'ral Camille?
As Camille I just feel
I've so much to offer.
Kid, I know I'd be divine because
I'm a nach'ral cougher.
(coughs)
Some ain't got it--not a lump,
I'm a great big clump of talent!
Laugh!
They'll bend in half.
(Did you ever hear the story about the traveling salesman?)
A thousand jokes:
Stick around for the jokes,
A thousand faces. I reiterate,
When you're gifted,
Then you're gifted,
These are facts--I got no axe to grind.
Hey, what are they--blind?
In all of the world so far
I'm the greatest star!

Who is the pip with piz-azz?
Who is all ginger and jazz?
Who is as glamorous as?
Who's an American Beauty rose
With an American Beauty nose,
And ten American Beaty toes,
Eyes on the target, and wham--
One shot, one gun shot and bam!
Hey, Mr. Ziegfeld, here I am!
I'm the greatest star,
I am by far,
But no one knows it!
That's why I was born--
I'll blow my horn
Till someone blows it!
I'll light up like a light
Right up like a light
I'll flicker, then flare up
All the world's gonna stare up
Lookin' down
You'll never see me--
Try the sky,
'Cause that'll be me.
I can make 'em cry,
I can make 'em sigh,
Someday they'll clamor
For my dram-er.
Have you guessed yet,
Who's the best yet?
If you ain't I'll tell you one more time.
You bet your last dime
In all of the world so far
I'm the greatest, greatest star!

A BEAUTIFUL BRIDE

For better or for worse, "Oh Promise Me,"
Why does ev'ry bride glow ravishingly?
Within the secret heart of ev'ry bride
These are the words repeating, repeating,
Repeating inside: (Bing, bong, bing, bong)
You are the beautiful reflection
Of his love's affection,
A walking illustration
Of his adoration

His love makes you beautiful,
So beautiful,
So beautiful,
You ask your looking glass,
What is it?
Makes you so exquisite?
The answer to your query
Comes back, dearie--
His love makes you beautiful,
So beautiful,
So beautiful,
And woman loved is woman glorified!
You'll make a beautiful,
Beautiful,
Beautiful,
Beautiful bride!

Here comes the bride,
Another beautiful bride.
Ziegfeld presents her
With justifiable pride.

Fanny: I am the beautiful reflection
Of my love's affection,
A walking illustration
Of his adoration.
His love makes me beautiful,
So beautiful,
So beautiful,

Men: And woman loved is woman glorified--

Fanny: I'll make a beautiful,
Beautiful,
Beautiful,
Beautiful--
I'm beautiful? Oy!

You are so beautiful,
You are so beautiful,
You are so beautiful,
Such a beautiful bride.


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