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You Know You Are In Maine

If you own more than four pair of gloves.
If every other vehicle is a 4X4.
If camping is allowed it's only in steel sided campers.
If, when the sun goes down, you start looking for your coat.
If in March your vehicle is 43% mud.
If you leave your keys in your car
and the next morning your car is still there.
If you're on the shoulder of the highway
with your hood up and somebody stops to help you.
If you can pay for six big macs with a personal check.
If drive by shootings only occur on the evening news.
If your central heating system is fueled by large logs.
If you see numerous chauffeur-driven dogs.
If you can see the stars at night.
If people drive 100 miles to shop in a real mall.
If a deer throws itself under your wheels.
If you got a set of new snow tires for Valentines day.
If more than 1/2 the meat in your freezer is moose.
If the term "chill factor" is part of your daily vocabulary.
If the bumper jack in your pickup will lift a house.
If you only paid $5 to cut down
your own douglas fir christmas tree.
If you enjoy a hot chocolate more than you do a margarita.
If a girls basketball game fill's the school gym.
If you put the car heater on your list of best friends.
If you pawned a snow blower instead of a set of golf clubs.
If dressing up means wearing a tie with your flannel shirt.
If you think you're in a traffic jam
when you're in the second car at the light.
If you don't use your blinker
because everyone already knows where you're going.
and If your long john's
don't come off until mid-May . . .

. . .then you're in Maine.

Technology for Maine Country Folk...

1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.
2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to
carry too much farwood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine.
23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all".
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya
paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
Then you're in Maine.