FREEDOM IN MARRIAGE
Missionary-Evangelist Esther Thornton
The
following teaching on marriage was directed to women in a recent women's
conference where I was a speaker. But, I believe you will find a strong
application in it to men and women, to bring a new freedom to marriage
relationships. The theme of the conference was: "You Are a
Queen", and addressed the book of Esther.
“THE THREE FACES OF A QUEEN:”
Introduction:
Many
examples of what a woman should, or should not do, in a marriage could be given
in this lesson. But, when a woman aligns herself with the admonition and
example set out in the Word of God that she should be, everything else falls
into place. She is not to “brow beat” herself because of her weaknesses or
failures, but rather, she should rise to her positioning that God has given her
through Christ of “Being a Queen!”
What are the
three faces of a Queen?
I. The First
Face of a Queen: Beauty - Inside and Out
Positioning
as Queen comes from Inheritance:
It is
expected that every queen should be beautiful. If she does not have much
natural beauty, she at least is dressed elegantly and is made up to look like a
queen. But, she has not come into this positioning from her beauty, but from
her inheritance.
Every lady
who is a believer has an inheritance and should live like she does. We must
know who we are in God and lift up our head and act like it. A woman is
beautiful who knows her God and acts accordingly.
We must have
confidence that we have inner beauty in order for our husbands to respect us in
this.
Being
Adorned with Beauty:
We should
adorn ourselves inside and out with beauty. A clean and neat appearance is
important in a marriage. You don’t have to look like you’ve crawled out from under
a rock! No man wants to sleep with a wife who is lost behind hair rollers and
an inch of cold cream! He should be able to be proud of his wife because of her
neat appearance. This also protects him from the temptation of looking at other
women who do care about their appearance.
Queen Esther
was confident of her beauty, as she required nothing more than what the keeper
of the women appointed. She was not vain but had true beauty.
Self-Respect:
You can tell
what a woman thinks of herself by how she dresses. If she is dirty and
“unkept“, she does not care enough about herself to look presentable. If she
wears tight-fitting, low-necked clothing, she is inviting the wrong kind of
male attention.
On the other
hand, there is a balance here. We are not to be so “perfectionist” that we are
proud and cannot function unless we look perfect before others! Sometimes when
God calls us to do something, there is not time for this and our obedience is
more important than our appearance.
But, no one
has to go around all of the time, looking like something the dogs dragged in!
This is embarrassing to the husband and is not conducive to the work of the
Lord.
II. The
Second Face of a Queen: Substance and Quality of Character
Good quality
of character is beauty on the inside:
Queen Esther
had an inward beauty, as well as an outward one. She had godly character and
wisdom. She was preferred to all of the other fair young virgins who were
brought into the King’s court.
So, our
beauty should go beyond the outward, for true inner beauty is what is
acceptable with God and also makes for a long-lasting marriage of respect and
appreciation.
Too often
beauty generates vanity. Few people can accept great blessings without being
adversely affected.
You have all
heard the “dumb blonde” jokes! What these jokes are portraying is the girl who
is an “air head” - she acts presumptuously and without using her brain! She
wears tight, seductive clothing and has a tinkle in her voice. She is the
“helpless kitten” who knows how to attract a man. But, the problem is, she
doesn’t keep him long. Why? Because there is no way that he can respect her.
Not only is her head empty, but her inner life and character!
Being a
woman of quality and substance:
Queen Esther
was a woman of substance. She was attractive on the outside and dressed like
the queen that she was. But, she also had inner qualities that set her apart
from all of the others. For she feared the Lord and sought to obey Him at any
cost - even to her own life!
She was totally
unselfish; willing to give her life, if need be, to see that her people (the
Jews) were set free. Unselfishness is one of the greatest qualities of a queen.
How to Build
a Good Character:
How can we
build a good character? By daily allowing the Holy Spirit to search our hearts
and to walk in His Spirit continually.
Psalm
139:23-24 “Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and
know my thoughts; and see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the
way everlasting.”
Psalm 7:8 “The
Lord shall judge the people; judge me, O Lord, according to my righteousness,
and according to mine integrity that is in me.”
Proverbs
11:3 “The integrity of the upright shall guide them; but the
perverseness of transgressors shall destroy them.”
Having a
good character does not mean that we are perfect. But, we read the Word of God
and are obedient to it, as much as possible. We have weaknesses but we learn to
accept God’s strength in the areas of our weakness.
We are not
ashamed to apologize to our husbands as often as it is necessary and we should
never “let the sun go down upon our wrath”. Every couple should apologize
before going to sleep each night, when necessary. Don’t let it carry over to
the next day. This is how problems began to build up in marriage.
III. The
Third Face of a Queen: Leadership
Every true
queen is a leader of some sort. In the marriage, she leads in those things that
are designed for a woman to do. She does not usurp authority over her husband,
but leads in the areas that she is designed to lead in, or that her husband has
requested for her to lead in.
There are
not necessarily “set responsibilities” for men or women:
There are
not necessarily set responsibilities for “men” or “women” in a marriage,
outside of the man being the head of the marriage and of the home. But, what I
am saying is that sometimes women are more adept at what men generally do, than
their husbands are. And, with his approval, she can freely operate in these
things.
Personal
example: In our marriage, over some of the years, we moved twelve times in
thirteen years, due to changes in Bob’s job. Needless to say, each new house
that we bought, needed various things done to it. Many times, I was pregnant
and we already had children. But, I did not have to work at an outside job, so
I chose to do many of the man’s jobs in order to help my husband who was
working. I painted houses on the exterior and interior; I sanded hardwood
floors; I mowed lawns; and such things. These things did not take away from my
femininity but rather, caused my husband to appreciate the fact that I loved
him enough to try to do more than my part in what needed to be done.
What is true
femininity?
Ladies,
femininity is not walking around in small steps, smiling and giggling! Femininity
is recognizing the Biblical view of what a woman should be and acting
accordingly. If we come in line with this, we won’t have to be concerned of
whether or not we are feminine.
We must be
willing to come under proper authority - both in the marriage (I Cor. 11:3); in
our land (Mt. 22:21); and in the work of the Lord (Heb. 13:17). Women who come
under proper authority are wise, beautiful and feminine.
By lining up
with God’s Word, we will not take on qualities of masculinity, or qualities
which are disgusting to see in a lady - taking improper authority; being loud
or boisterous; over-ruling our husbands; not being able to be trusted by our
husbands; and such things.
Recipe for a
Virtuous Woman:
Personal
Example: I was ordained some years ago in America and in Africa. My first
ordination was in America. My husband, at that time, was not as involved in the
work of the Lord as I was, but was in favor of it. But, he pleasantly surprised
me when he was called forward to share whatever he wanted to share at that
time. He said that his wife was an example of the virtuous woman that is
mentioned in Proverbs 31, and he went on to read that part of the chapter. I
felt very unworthy but was built up and encouraged by him doing this. For, if I
cannot be a virtuous woman in the eyes of my husband, I should not be in the
ministry of God.
Bob could
have told of the times I had answered back to him and failed to respect his
decisions. He could have told of the times we had argued or fought over trivial
things. He could have told the areas of my weaknesses. But, he didn’t do this. He looked beyond all
of these weaknesses and failures to what he saw that I was on the inside. And,
this is the way the Father looks at us, ladies.
Proverbs 31:
Proverbs 31
portrays “the virtuous woman” and should be the rule and conduct of our lives
as women. The Bible says that “her price is far above rubies.“ The term
“virtuous” is a cover term suggesting character and ability. She is a model
wife.
Her husband
has absolute confidence in her faithfulness. (v. 11)
He is
blessed by her tireless ministry, which is unfailing, and will last for the
rest of her life (v. 12)
She goes to
every length to save money and there is no laziness in her (v. 13)
If she buys
something, she does it with the intention of using some and selling the rest
(v. 14)
She takes
the lead in guiding the house, setting an example for all who dwell therein and
they follow her example (v. 15)
She is
constantly planning as to how to provide for her growing family and shows
considerable business ability. She is more than adequate and can hold her own
with any man in her household. (v. 16)
She keeps
herself and her family in good health with proper food and clothing (v. 17)
She is
honest and upright in all her business dealings and is not afraid that her
merchandise will be regarded as inferior. (v. 18)
All of this
verse was about the spinning wheel, showing her industriousness and ability
(vs. 19)
Even though
she has worked hard for her money, she does not fail to help the poor and
needy. She does so because she knows that God honors such, and because she
knows He is the source of her health, strength, prosperity, and blessing. He,
as well, will bless her greatly by her helping of the unfortunate. (v. 20)
She has
prepared for the coming winter with suitable clothing for all of her household.
She thinks ahead. Coming difficulties do not catch her shortsighted. (v. 21)
Even though
she is very conservative, still, money is not her God. Therefore, she does not
skimp providing the furniture for her home, or for her own personal clothing.
It is such that befits her station in life, as one who is blessed by God and is
a child of God - as one who is a Queen. (v. 22)
It is given
that this wife is not only industrious, conservative, blessed, and has great
business ability, but, as well, she has had the blessing of God in her
selection of a husband. As he was guided in his choice of her, likewise, she
was guided by the Holy Spirit to her choice of him. He is a leader in the
community. (v. 23)
Once again,
her business ability places her on a par with her husband. The Holy Spirit
gives her no lesser position. She is capable of being a captain of industry and
maker of excellent decisions. (v. 24)
All that she
manufactures is done so with quality. Her goods are sought the world over. None
are returned as inferior to accepted standards of trade. Her word is her bond.
Even in the time of adversity, which surely comes, she still rejoices because
God is her refuge, and her Giver of Wisdom. (v. 25)
She is also
a captain of industry with striking abilities; still, her mouth is a mouth of
wisdom and her tongue is not harsh, but always unendingly kind. She is kind
when things go well and when they don’t. Few and far between are such people.
(v. 26)
She manages
her household with economy and discretion. Her children will be well behaved
and will keep company with those who are of similar habits and godly direction.
She sees that everyone in her family has their own work to perform and duties
to carry out - none are excluded. She raises her children well and brings them
up with her guiding hand of godliness. (v. 27)
She will be
called blessed by her husband and her children, and they will continue to
praise her. (v. 28)
In Prov.
31:1, it is noted that this portion of the virtuous woman was a prophecy given
by Bathsheba. In v. 29, Her husband, King David is praising her as a virtuous
woman. She had risen above her mistake in younger years and this is an example
of the grace of God because she trusted in Him. God sometimes uses people that
we would never choose to accomplish His will. The very ones that we would
“throw away”, He exalts and uses them mightily. This should be an example to us
of the value of people in the eyes of God. (v. 29)
“Favour is
deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be
praised, give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her
in the gates.” (vs. 30-31)
Conclusion
to Proverbs 31:
Solomon
wrote over 3,000 proverbs (I Kings 4:32), of which many are given in the Word
of God. Those which are a product of his own spirit are not included. But, the
fact that the fear of the Lord secures abiding favor, moral beauty, public
approbation, and eternal reward, is reflected not only in this chapter, but
throughout the book of Proverbs. Natural beauty will fade, but the fear of the
Lord will abide forever. This is what makes the woman in Prov. 31 the model
that the Holy Spirit is speaking about here.
SUMMARY:
The highest
example of womanhood has been presented here today from the Word of God. But,
there are practical tips that we will consider in closing.
Fifty
percent of all marriages in the United States (whether Christian or non
Christian), end in divorce. This is a serious statistic. What can we do about
it?
Here are
some practical tips:
1. Consider
your mate’s background and treat his relatives with respect.
2. Money is
a big issue that leads to divorce. Keep a budget and make some allowance for “extra’s.” Avoid compulsive spending, as it can become an addition. Get
health insurance so that your finances will not be drained in an emergency.
3. It should
be the constant goal in sex that both partners are satisfied, and it is wrong
to deprive one another of this relationship, except with reason to do so. (I
Cor. 7:5) (Don’t say that you have a
headache all of the time!)
4. Keep a
clean slate of past experiences or anything that would interfere with your present relationship.
Personal
example: My husband was married before. He dated a girl during
his
high school
years and they married young. She died from a pregnancy and the
baby boy
died also. But, Bob has never thrown her up to me as to how beautiful
she was (She
was the princess of Homecoming at the high school); or as to how
she did
things. He gave me a choice as to which household items of hers I wanted
to use and
which I didn’t. His parents kept his and her pictures up throughout
their house
and he told them to take them down. Bob
was wise, in that he
recognized
that this was a brand new relationship when we got married.
Another area
of keeping your marriage slate clean is to forget about past sexual
encounters
that either of you have had, whether married or unmarried.
Remember
that it is your present marriage that is now important and must be
guarded
against anything that would take away from the happiness of either of you.
5. Be sure to uphold values in the marriage:
Spiritual
togetherness; communication; honesty; trust; openness; companionship; emotional
satisfaction; mutual enjoyment in sex; personal time with God; regular meeting
together with the saints; witnessing; and finding God’s plan for your lives
6.
Expectations:
It is said
in marriage counseling, that each partner should not just give 50%, but each
should give 100%, for the marriage to be successful.
Emotions
should be vented, but done in the proper way. Good communication, and honest
and open discussion, will be the proper way to do this. Neither should feel
guilty or have to hold back true feelings, because they feel threatened by the
other.
Many women
have made the mistake of setting the expectations of their husbands too
high. Husbands are not “God” and can’t
satisfy all of our needs as women. But, a woman who keeps her eyes set on God
will not only keep herself from disappointment, but will cause her husband to
respect her wishes and desire to meet them.
7.
Interests:
Contrasting
interests are normal and don’t have to be a problem. Be Respectful and
considerate of one another.
Be tolerant
of one another’s interests and any recreation that is not sinful is
permissible, unless it becomes excessive in time or money. Take turns with
decisions on where to go on vacations and such, and consider children when they
are Involved.
8. Family
(immediate and relatives):
Either man
or woman can discipline the children but should do it in “togetherness”. Wise up to the child who tries one parent
first and then goes to the other for what He wants!
As far as
relatives are concerned, a man is to “leave father and mother and cleave unto
(his) wife.” This goes for the woman, too.
Remember, your relationship is what is to be considered first; not what
your relatives think is important. Don’t
“overdo” with relatives and expect your mate to, also.
9.
Conflicts:
Good
communication is of utmost importance in conflicts and don’t be a controlling
partner. Accept one another just as you are, as God accepts us. The Bible
should be The first marriage manual in every home.
10. The
husband is the head of the home:
The husband
is the head of the home but should be gentle, understanding, setting an
example. When he loves his wife as Christ loves the church, she will want to
submit to him.
11. Beliefs on
Divorce:
God is not
in favor of divorce, but sometimes it becomes necessary as mentioned in
scripture for such things as adultery or abuse. The marriage covenant should be
taken seriously, because it has not only been made with man, but with God.
12. Build
and maintain a good foundation for your marriage:
You may have
been married 25 years and still not have a good foundation in your marriage. It
is never too late to begin to build one. It can be built by adhering to the
things that we have already mentioned. If you as a woman have an unsaved mate,
you can stand spiritually as “the head of the house” in his place. That doesn’t
mean that you don’t respect his authority or headship in the home. You will not
win him if you do this. But, it does mean that spiritually, you can take
authority in prayer and intercession until your husband and children are won
and the name of the Lord is exalted in your marriage and in your home.
Ø
You are a queen! You have an inheritance in
God! You fear the Lord!
Ø
You are Beautiful on the inside and outside!
You do not wait for your husband to do what is Right
Ø
You take a hold of the “horns of the altar”
and move forward as “the Priestly Bride”, claiming him and all of your
household for God!
Esther
Thornton
