Thanking God in Singleness
Peter G Kuskie,
When I was in my early
20’s some of the young guys in our church formed the B.T.T.R. club; The “Bachelors
To The Rapture” club. These guys claimed they would remain single
till the Lord returned. I was asked to
join but I refused as I wanted to marry, and knowing these guys also really
wanted to marry, I believed they were all a bunch of hypocrites. Anyway, it turns out I should have joined -
they all married and I’m still single!
I am now 44 years old. I have wanted to be married all my adult
life. I know I am not alone. There are many who have been married and long
to be married again. Then there are
those like myself who have never married.
For those in my position
there is a stigma attached with being single.
·
I have had one father of a lady I was courting tell me there must
be something wrong with me to have not yet found a wife (though the number
of potentially troublesome father-in-law’s decreases the older I get!).
·
I have been asked if I was gay.
·
People say I must be too fussy.
Not only is there the
external innuendo and comments but there are the inner doubts that arise.
·
IS there something wrong with me?
·
Is it that I am just not good enough?
All these things do not
make being single any easier, and are genuine concerns for someone who is not
getting any younger but who desires a partner.
I would like to share
with you how I have come to terms with my singleness while still believing I
will one day find the person God has for me.
Let me preface my
comments by saying I do believe that, with two conditions, if a person desires
to be married then marriage is God’s will for them (more on the conditions
later.)
The person who is happy
to remain single is the exception. The apostle
Paul was happily single but he acknowledged it was a gift. 1 Cor 7:7 “I
wish that all men were as I am (single). But each man has his own gift from
God.”
Although my comments are
primarily addressed to those who are, like myself, single and free to marry, I
do believe they have relevance for all.
Firstly,
although I am single I am not alone.
When I invited Jesus into
my life I entered into “potentially” the most meaningful relationship I will
ever enjoy. I say “potentially” because
like any relationship it must be cultivated.
So often people think, “if I could find a partner, then I would be happy.” This is wrong on at least two counts
·
Firstly it is making our happiness dependent on external conditions
being met. In other words we are
abdicating responsibility for our happiness.
If we say “I will be happy when…” this or that event takes place,
we are putting off our happiness indefinitely.
This applies to every area of life, and is a recipe for continual
unhappiness.
·
Secondly we all need a relationship with our heavenly Father to be
complete.
We all know it is
possible to be in relationship but feel very much alone. We see it marriages all around us. Bob Bennett said it best for me in his song:
“Together
all alone”
“He
lies back to back
With
his wife in the sack
Together
all alone”
As I was saying, I am in
relationship with the Lord and it doesn’t get any better then that! Please remember I do want to be married (!)
but I know that marriage is a temporal state. “At the resurrection people will neither
marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.” (Matt
Jn
I love these verses. The word “know” here means to “know
absolutely.” It is the same word
that describes the husband/wife relationship.
It is that intimate. This is the depth of relationship Jesus
desires to have with us all. No wonder
the verse goes on to say “and they follow me.” Intimacy in love births the desire for greater
intimacy. Therefore we want to follow
God. We have “tasted & seen that
the Lord is good.” Where he is, is
where we want to be. No wonder David
said “Better is one day in your courts then a thousand elsewhere.” Ps 84:10
This is the first reason
for my being settled as a single Christian.
Again I emphasize that I do want to be married, but until that day and
beyond, I will first and foremost enjoy being in relationship with God.
My second reason for being contented though
single leads on from the first.
Matt
6:33-34 But seek first his kingdom and his
righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore
do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has
enough trouble of its own.
My friends, finding a partner is not my top
priority.
I know people for whom finding a partner is their
number one priority in life. This can be
sad. Someone with whom I used to work,
walks around with an almost haunted expression on his face, such is his desire
to find a wife. Such an obsession can
definitely be self-defeating.
I know I can be misunderstood here so let me
state up front, I believe in looking for a partner. I have been in the position of questioning
how I can find a partner when the “pool” seems so limited. I attend a very small church. I have been involved in the Christians
singles circuit without success. How
then can I find a partner? It seems in
some ways it was so much easier when marriages were arranged! But that is not how it is in our culture.
I found peace in relation to this issue through
applying God’s word to my outlook.
It is interesting that all the people God called
in the Bible were doing something when he called them. Gideon was threshing wheat; David was minding
sheep as was Moses. The Disciples were
all engaged in various activities; Ruth was gleaning corn.
None of these people were sitting on their hands
waiting for something to happen. Jesus told us to “occupy until he comes.”
He means for us to put our talents to good use.
I personally believe it is imperative for us to be doing what God means
for us to do, if we are to be in the right place at the right time to meet the
right one he has for us. Therefore I put
God first in my life and seek to do his will.
He will take care of the rest. He
did it for those we read of in His word and he is the same yesterday, today
and forever, so he will do it for me.
Ps 37:4 “Delight
yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.”
Remember I said at the beginning of this article
that I believe if we desire to be married then God probably means us to be? Well this verse leads into the conditions I
mentioned in that statement.
1.
Condition 1 – Delight yourself in the Lord
I have had wonderful discussion with a friend on
the Internet about this verse. I believe
this verse means that as we delight in God, (i.e. seek first to please him) He
places his desires within us or “gives us (imparts into us) the desires of
our heart.”
Desires are a funny thing. It is so important that we put God
first. It is when we don’t that wrong
desires can take root. I am not just talking
about sinful desires but about desires that in themselves are neutral. We may
decide we need a holiday or to purchase some useful item. We may even decide to go out with
someone. In themselves there may be
nothing wrong with these plans. But are
we walking close to God when we make these plans? 1 Cor10:23 “Everything is
permissible”—but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is
permissible”—but not everything is constructive.” Only when we are delighting in God can we be
assured that the desires we are pursuing are His best.
I have found that the times I stress most about
being single are when I have stopped putting God first. However when I come back to my first love
then the stress ceases, and although the desire for marriage remains, it once
again assumes its rightful place in the scheme of things. Pleasing God first must be my chief concern.
2.
Condition 2 – Put all desires upon the altar
Abraham was told to sacrifice his son, the “son
of promise” that the Son God miraculously gave him. All he knew as he went
to plunge the knife into Isaac was that God had asked for his son. He did not know God was only testing
him. Yet he willingly offered up his son
simply because it was what God asked of him.
Brothers and sisters are
we willing to give God our desire for a partner? I know it is a tough question but it needs to
be answered honestly – perhaps even on a daily basis. Some things God asks us for, He returns;
others He does not. He asks
unconditionally. God may ask us to give
up our desire for a partner without any assurance of the outcome. Scary stuff really. It is the ultimate test of our commitment to,
and faith in him.
Jer 29:11 For
I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and
not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
This verse is why we can confidently give God
anything he asks of us. God absolutely,
definitely, unequivocally, without one shadow of doubt, has our best interests
at heart.
Almost twenty years ago
now I moved from the town in which I was born to the capital city of our
State. Initially I came to the city for
a friends wedding but I thought I would see what work was available while I was
here. I applied for three jobs and
obtained an interview for one. On the
morning of the interview my regular Bible reading was from Ephesians chapter
six which talks about employer – employee relationships. It was like God was telling me the job was
already mine. When I got into my car to
attend the interview, I turned on the cassette player and these were the first
words I heard, “God is concerned about where you live and who you marry.” It could not have been a more direct word to
my heart if God had appeared in bodily form and spoken to me. Here I was in tears on my way to a job
interview! I got the job. However I was seeing a girl at the time and
although we got engaged it fell through.
Got the job - lost the girl. God
is concerned about where we live and who we marry. With hindsight I am glad I lost the
girl. At the time I was devastated. But God knows what is best.
“Disappointment
– His appointment
Change one
letter then I see
That the
thwarting of my purpose
Is God’s
better choice for me”
(Author unknown)
God has a good plan for
each of us. He has our best interests at
heart. This is true from the mundane to
the major. He desires to be intimately
involved in our lives - not just as some interested observer dispensing advice
as required, but as our lover, and friend.
This is especially true
when it comes to whom we marry. Marriage
is the most important commitment, outside of our commitment to Christ, we will
ever make. We absolutely must not make
this commitment based on anything but our compatibility in Christ.
Being unequally yoked is
more then marrying an unbeliever.
Christians can become unequally yoked if, in courtship, Christ is not
central. Think about it. We have talents, abilities, skills, dreams
and visions of service for God. The
person we marry must be of like heart
and mind, and true compatibility can only be recognized through a Christ
centered courtship.
God wants to be the
center of our lives and our relationships.
He knows the plans He has for us. His plans are designed to do us good
and to give us a future and a hope.
Knowing this is the place of safety and security. It is the place of quietness and
confidence. Gone is the worry of time
passing us by without a partner.
Instead we get on with
our lives, living for Him in the assurance that He is with us and that He will
give us the desires of our heart. God
desires to share intimately with us so that out of our union with Christ will
come both a confidence that he genuinely and deeply wants the best for us, and
a quiet assurance concerning finding a partner.
“He makes all things beautiful in his time.”
2 Pe 3:7 “The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise….”
My friend,
·
Have you been worrying about finding a partner?
·
Has this desire come before your relationship with God?
·
Have you struck-out on your own because you thought God was too
slow, only to be hurt and disappointed?
·
Has disappointment led to your building walls around your heart?
If so then may I please
make the following suggestions?
·
Get back to the Person who must be your first love. Jesus is waiting with open arms.
·
Spend time with the One who loves you more
then any other is capable of loving you.
Become intimate with him; it is His desire – make it yours. He delights in you - grow to delight in him.
·
Make loving God your number one priority.
·
Put all your dreams upon the altar and let him establish the
desires of your heart.
·
Get busy doing what God has placed in your heart.
·
Trust Him concerning a partner knowing that His plans for you are
good, and that He, above all others, is trustworthy.
If you would like to
share with me about anything you have read here, or just about your own
struggles I would love to hear from you.
I can be contacted at: P.Kuskie@qut.edu.au
