Jokes
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR AMISH TEEN IS IN TROUBLE
10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 5:00AM.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full 'Kiss' makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, 'Thou sucketh!'
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by 'Jeb Daddy.'
5. Defiantly says, 'If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!'
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: 'Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening.'
2. Was recently pulled over for 'driving under the influence of cottage cheese.'
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards!
A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied. "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well, then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
Why Men Can't Win
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting.
"My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather have sex with woman with a trim figure." she lamented to the woman next to her.
"Well," the lady queried, "what's wrong with that?"
"He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings," she replied
The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy." The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."
"I know how to fuck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna."
TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:
* Pass My Shotgun
* Psychotic Mood Shift
* Perpetual Munching Spree
* Puffy Mid-Section
* People Make Me Sick
* Provide Me with Sweets
* Pardon My Sobbing
* Pimples May Surface
* Pass My Sweatpants
* Pissy Mood Syndrome
* Plainly; Men Suck
* Pack My Stuff
* Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
MAKING A WOMAN HAPPY
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand
the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/
demerit guide will help you to understand just how it
works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single
rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed.....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows..... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
You leave the toilet seat up.....-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty..... 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.....-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
in the snow.....+8
but return with beer.....-5
and no liners.....-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night..... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing..... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
It's her cat.....-40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party..... 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy.....-2
named Tiffany.....-4
Tiffany is a dancer.....-10
with breast implants.....-18
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday..... 0
You buy a card and flowers..... 0
You take her out to dinner..... 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your
face is painted the colors of your favorite team.....-10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal..... 0
The pal is happily married.....+1
The pal is single.....-7
He drives a Ferrari.....-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED).....-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.....+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
You take her to a movie you like.....-2
It's called Death Cop 3.....-3
which features Cyborgs that eat humans.....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans
.....-15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.....+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose
jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.....-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-800
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding.....-10
You reply, "Where?".....-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".....-100
Any other response.....-20
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned statement..... 0
You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.....+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her
saying, "Well, what do you think I should do".....-50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at
the TV.....+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep
.....-200
This explains it all.
All babies start out with the same number of raw cells, which over nine months, develop into a complete female baby.
The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead.
Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cell necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female.
Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a fulldeck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak, and some of their cards are in their shorts.
This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like
placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls.
This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but
the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside.
Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man.
In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Engineers."
Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Fighter Pilots."
A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as..."Mr. President or Mr. Congressman."
Ode To A Mammogram
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts,
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My Doctor found a lump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that bump.
"Stand up very close," she said,
As she got my boob in line.
"And, tell me when it hurts," she said.
"Ah yes! There, that's fine."
She stepped upon a peddle.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down,
My boob was in a vice!
My skin was stretched and stretched,
From way up under my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tits!
"Take a deep breath," she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now let's have a go at the other one."
"Lord have mercy," I was praying.
It squeezed me from up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides,
I'll bet she's never had this done,
Not to her tender little hide!
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped, Ker-pow!
This machine was designed by man,
Of this I have no doubt,
I'd like to stick his balls in there.
And see how they come out!
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucket with pecans and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, and one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "It's
Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery."
He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I just heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up souls."
The man said. "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?"
When the boy insisted, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. "
The old man whispered, "Boy, you, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those
nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.
