Jokes Page 10
True Facts About Sex
1. Scientific tests find that when women make love, they produce double amounts of the hormone estrogen, which make hair shiny and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscles in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases the body endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones.
These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquiliser in the world. It is 10 times more effective than Valium.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restrict blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a national antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
Murphy's Laws for Law Enforcement #3 ...
1. Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.
2. On any call, there will always be more 'bad guys' than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.
3. The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.
4. You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is 'Boomer'.
5. The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.
6. If a large group of drunk bikers is 'holed-up' in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker 'holed-up' in a house, they will send the entire S.W.A.T. Team.
John and Brian are out and about. John notices that Brian is a bit pissy during the evening, so he finally brings up.
"Yo, man, you've been cranky all damned day. What the
hell is wrong with you. You're acting like you've got PMS."
"Naw, I don't have PMS, but I definitely think I'm suffering from the male counterpart. I call it SRH."
"SRH? What's that?"
"Sperm Retention Headache."
CLINTON DESPONDENT OVER LACK OF PRESS
COVERAGE ; COMES OUT OF CLOSET
Former President Bill Clinton, despondent over the lack of press coverage in recent weeks, issued a press release claiming, "I'm a homosexual."
Reports were skeptical about Clinton's claim, as he's had several high-profile affairs with women. Clinton's response, "Oh, I'm not a homosexual MAN. I'm actually a homosexual woman trapped in a MAN's body."
Chelsea, Clinton's daughter, was the result of "one hell of a wild night with 'that woman'." "But," Clinton said, wagging his finger at the bank of TV cameras, "After that night, I did NOT have relations with that woman."
Clinton made his phone number available on the World Wide Web for "any lesbian who needs someone to 'feel her pain.'"
In fact, I was trying to find Ms. May a gift at Victoria's Secret, and, I gotta tell you, they are SO RUDE.
I was picking out some panties and while I was picking them out, the MANAGER (!!!) asks me to leave!
Well! All I was trying to do was decide which ones I liked the most.
So, I took the panties out of my mouth and took my business elsewhere.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE? DON'T THEY WANT TO
FEEL GOOD?
Recently I tried out an affiliate sales program selling tanning salon appointments. I was assigned specific geographic areas in the United States, and, according to the sales literature, it appeared the market penetration was less than 1/20th of 1% in these areas. "Wow," I thought, what a gold mine just waiting to be scooped up!
I called my first Harlem number and got a Ms. Letecia
Jackson. I introduced myself politely and asked her if she knew the benefits of a good tan. Before I could explain, I somehow lost the connection.
Being a good salesman, I tried another Harlem number. This time I called Mr. Leroy Brown. "Good morning, Mr. Brown, I see by my appointment log that you've actually visited The Golden Glow Tanning Salon in the last six months." I got the impression Mr. Brown wasn't happy with the salon, as he said he wasn't "ever going back there or any other damned
place that had an alarm system over the cash register."
Call after call went this way in Harlem. I continued to tell people how much better they'd feel with a little color in their cheeks. How they'd be able to "trick" their friends into believing they'd been "working out in the fields" all day long
to obtain a glorious tan.
So I moved on to my next assigned area, Watts. Ahhh,
Southern California. Sun worshippers all. What an easy sale this should be.
But, somehow, the folks in California were no more receptive to the benefits of good skin coloring than the folks in New York were. I spoke with a gentleman named MCMX (I figured he had Italian ancestors who named him all of those Roman numerals). "Mr. X, a quick 15 minute visit and your skin color will announce to the world that you're rich and powerful." To my chagrin, Mr. X informed me he was *already* rich and "powerful enuff to get some homeys to pop a cap in yo ass."
I didn't quite get that last reference, but I'm assuming he changed the subject to how much he enjoys those cap guns we all played with as kids back home. Why he thinks a donkey would want to play with them, though, mystifies me.
I just don't understand why I can't sell these tanning salon appointments. I guess people aren't concerned about their health anymore.
A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and then the friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his
friend's two 18-year-old daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says, "Hi, ladies! Your dad sent me up here to have sex with you!"
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"
He replies, "Ok, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"
"Yes, both of them!"
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi- syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable. "Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"
After some thought Jane proudly replied with, "Monday."
"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day. Does
anyone know another word?"
Johnny from the back of the room yells, "I do! I do!"
Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word."
"Saturday," says Mike.
"Great, that has three syllables...."
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says, "I know a four
syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large,
the teacher reluctantly says, "Ok Johnny what is your four syllable word?"
Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure, says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."
"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only
two syllables."
Picking The Right Barbie
A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was 'now or
never', he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall. After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant.
When asked what he would like, he simply says 'a Barbie doll'.
The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks: 'Which Barbie would that be, sir?'
The man looks surprised so the assistant continues: 'We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes
Shopping for $19.95, Barbie dates BaddTeddy for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, Cyber Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.00'
The man can't help himself and asks 'why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?'
The assistant explained: 'Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....
If women truly did rule the world:
...PMS/PMT would be a legitimate defence in court.
...Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
...Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
...A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
...Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
...Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
...Cosmo would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
...Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
...Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
...Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.
...Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
...Men really would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
...Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."
...Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
...Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
...Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
...All toilet seats would be nailed down.
...Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
...TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
...All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS/PMT simulator
...During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.
...Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
...After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
...For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year olds for six weeks.
A doctor examined a woman and took her husband aside.
"I don't want to alarm you," he said, "but I don't like the way your wife looks at all."
"Me neither, Doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook and real good with the kids."
