Jokes Page 11
Razzle Dazzle
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She says, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless.'
With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, 'Momma needs a new pair of pants!' She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.
'YES! I WIN! I WIN!'
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, 'What did she roll anyway?'
The other answers, 'I thought YOU were watching!'
TRUE STORY:
There's a town in Hertfordshire (UK) called Tillit.
In Tillit is a pub called The Cockwell Inn.
The publican there is a lady called Lucy Likes.
Her address is:
Miss Lucy Likes
The Cockwell Inn
Tillit Herts.
Johnny’s mom was out of town for a week. When she got home, Johnny greeted her and said, "You know, two days ago, Mrs. Brown came to visit. She and Daddy had a candlelight dinner together, then Daddy brought some champagne and they had a drink, and then they went upstairs to the bedroom, and then they... "
"Stop, Johnny, wait until your father gets home, and then repeat your story," his mother said.
When the father came home, Johnny started again, "Two days ago, Mrs. Brown came to visit. She and Daddy had a candlelight dinner together. Then Daddy brought some champagne and they had a drink, and then they went upstairs to the bedroom, and then they... "
"Then they WHAT, Johnny?" his mother asked, hurt and angry.
"And then they started doing the same thing you and Mr. Smith always do when Dad’s out of town."
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the
lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy
there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
My 6 year old daughter was looking at her mother lying on the bed and asked, "Mummy when I grew up will I have breasts like yours?"
My wife tried to gently explain that, "Yes, probably, although breasts come in all shapes and sizes".
My daughter immediately looked at her aghast, blurting
out, "I'd absolutely HATE to have square ones!"
An eminent heart specialist was at a glittering social function and was in animated conversations with a lovely young thing wearing a great deal of makeup and the barest minimum of clothing.
It was only a few minutes too late that the good doctor
became aware that his wife, whom he thought was safely in the next room, was watching him with a steely glare.
Clearing his throat, the doctor said, "Ah, my dear, that young lady over there and I were just indulging in a purely professional consultation."
"So I can well imagine." said his wife icily, "but was it your profession, or hers?"
The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). A smart-ass student pipes up:
"What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down
the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."
A New Yorker decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts: Themed Party--Come as a Human Emotion.
On the night of the party the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
The guy says, "I'm green with envy."
The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host
opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink bodystocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
And she replies, "I'm tickled pink."
The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time and the host opens the door to see two Pakistani guys, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Christ, guys, what the hell do you think you look like? You could get arrested for standing
like that out here in the street. What emotion is this
supposed to be?"
The first guy replies, "Well, I'm fucking disgusted and my friend has come in despair."
An old geezer visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems normal. Then, the doctor asks him about his sex life.
"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick up and bed three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."
"My goodness, Frank, and at your age too," exclaimed the doctor. "I hope you took some precautions."
"Yep. I may be old, doc, but I ain't senile yet... I gave 'em all a phony name."
For all those who tend to be humiliated at the OB-GYN
office...
In Melbourne, FL one of the radio stations paid money
($100-$500) for people to tell their most embarrassing
stories. This one netted the winner $300.
She said: I was due later that week for an appointment
with the gynecologist, when early one morning I
received a call from his office.
I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30
am. I had just packed everyone off to school and it
was 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took
about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little
extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but
this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full
effort.
So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet
the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in
front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure I
was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes
basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car, and
raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room
only a few minutes when he called me in.
Knowing the procedure as I'm sure you all do, I hopped
up on the table, looked over at the other side of the
room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place
a million miles away from here. I was a little
surprised when he said, "My...we have taken a little
extra effort this morning, haven't we?" But I didn't
respond. The appointment was over. I heaved a sigh of
relief and went home.
The rest of the day went normal -- some shopping,
cleaning, and the evening meal, etc. At 6:30 that
evening, my 4-year-old daughter was getting ready to
go to a school recital when she called down from the
bathroom, "Mom where's my washcloth?" I called back
for her to get another from the cabinet. She called
back "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It
had all my glitter and sparkles in it."
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't
seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in
front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my
tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
Bill Gates
Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory.
St. Peter said to his, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
So, Bill takes a look at hell and see's these beautiful women running around, in 80 degree temperature, on beautiful beaches.
Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you know harps and singing and worship and stuff like that.
So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell.
About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons.
He said to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautifull women, and the beaches and the 80 degree temperature?"
Peter replied, "That was just the screen saver."
Snoring
A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep. She
goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet
tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's
testicles and he will stop snoring. A few hours
after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual.
Finally, she goes to the closet and grabs a
piece of ribbon, ties it around the dog's
testicles, and sure enough the dog stops snoring.
The woman is amazed. Later that night her
husband returns home drunk from being out with
his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep,
and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks
maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to
the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and
ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly
it also works on him. The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning the husband wakes up very hung
over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate.
As he is standing in front of the toilet, he
looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon
attached to his scrotum. He is very confused. He
walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon
attached to his dog's scrotum.
He looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't
remember what the hell happened last night, but
wherever you and I were, we got first and second
place."
Little Emily, knowing her birthday was coming up, announced to her
mother that she would like to have a new Barbie doll and a G.I. Joe.
'No, sweetheart,' her mother replied. 'You mean Ken. Barbie comes with
Ken.'
'No mother,' the little girl replied. 'Barbie comes with G.I. Joe. She
only fakes it with Ken!'
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders along a well traveled stretch of highway. The location, at a bend in the road, allowed him to hide his car out of sight of oncoming traffic while setting up his radar to nab any speeders who passed by. He had used this location successfully a number of times, especially on holidays, and decided to use it again on a Labor Day weekend.
The officer arrived at his hiding place and set himself up, settling down to wait for the first speeders to appear. After a half hour or so the officer hadn't seen anybody speeding. In fact most of the cars that passed him were traveling exactly at the speed limit, and some of the passengers in the passing cars were even smiling and waving at him. He couldn't believe this was happening since his hiding place was so well concealed.
Finally, after realizing that virtually all the passing cars knew he was there, the officer decided that something was wrong and went to investigate. He got out of his car and walked up the road a short distance. About 100 yards before his hiding place the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
