Jokes
Jokes Page 12
Contract For A Wife
I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that...
Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.
Section 1.01 And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like 'So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!' and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.
Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*.
Section 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.
Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.
Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as 'making love'), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your penis a 'cute' nickname.
Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.
Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies.
Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.
Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake
of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.
Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.
Section 5.04 I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard...
Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that
you have 'ruined me for other men'.
Section 6.01 I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so
you're in charge of anything *mechanical*.
Section 6.02 With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal,
garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.
Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.
Signed ____________________________________ (female)
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No. What did that stupid shit do this time?" says the patron.
"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.
"Yeah, well I hope it kills the fucker because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron.
The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.
"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!!!"
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
A high school teacher was giving a true/false test. He was strolling up and down the aisles surveying the students at work. He came upon one student who was flipping a coin, then writing.
Teacher: What are you doing?
Student: Getting the answers to the test.
The teacher shook his head and walked on. A little while later, when everyone was finished with the test, the teacher noticed the student was again flipping the coin.
Teacher: Now what are you doing?
Student: I'm checking the answers.
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out.
"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out -- virtually impenetrable."
"Uncle Sam" says, "Fill it with water."
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his rented van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The
animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried
to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal
was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway.
It just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. So he
invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into
the well. At first, the donkey realized what was
happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's
amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later,
the farmer finally looked down the well and was
astonished at what he saw.
With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey
was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and
take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to
shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped
up over the edge of the well and trotted off!
Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to
shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles
is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest
wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it
off and take a step up!
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded
a bus. She noticed a young man smiling at her and she
began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.
She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She
moved again and again and then on her fourth move, he
burst out laughing. She had him arrested for harrassing
her.
When the case came before the court, the young man was
asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus, he couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read, "Coming Soon: The old Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read, "Sloan's Liniment to remove Swelling." He was even more amused when she sat under the shaving advertisement which read, "William's Stick Did the Trick." Then he could not control himself any longer when on the
fourth move she sat under an car tire advertisement which read, "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."
The case was dismissed.
FROM SOME GREAT THINKERS
Question: If you could live forever, would
you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because
we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.'
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
-- Pop Singer Mariah Carey
'I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.'
-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.'
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
'They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.'
-- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
'We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.'
-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
'I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.'
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
'China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.'
-- Former French President Charles De Gaulle
'The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment.
This is a good planet.' -- Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.
'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
'Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.'
-- General William Westmoreland
'What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.'
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line 'a mind
is a terrible thing to waste'
'I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.'
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
