Jokes
Jokes Page 13
The Texan v. the Irishman
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your
Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked
how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About
half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued
for another twenty minutes and repeated his question.
This time he received a response of eighty percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and
repeated his question. With thoughts of Sunday dinner,
all responded except one old gentleman in the rear.
"Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your
enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Eighty six."
"Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the
congregation how a man can live to eighty six and not
have an enemy in the world."
The old man teetered down the aisle and slowly turned
around. "It's easy. I just outlived the sons of bitches."
INSTRUCTIONS ON REPLACING MOUSE BALLS
(I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness...
This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note
the last sentence)
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).
Therefore if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the
manufacture of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in
sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
A gay man was driving his sports car around the corner,
when an eighteen-wheeler pulled out of the alley and
directly in front of his way. The sports car plows into
the truck and totally demolishes the front end of the
sports car.
The gay man jumps out of the car, comes tearing around
the side of the truck where the truck driver is, and
hollers, "You did that on purpose! You just pulled right out in front of me!"
The truck driver says, "Suck my dick."
Waving his hands, the gay man said, "Don't try to sweet
talk me out of it! I'm really fucking PISSED here!"
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her
6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so
she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly
there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"
"I just saw one of your garters!"
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to
see you for three days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she
had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to
the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an
even louder giggle from another male student. She
quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"
"I just saw both of your garters!"
Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time
the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you
for three weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when
she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.
"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"
Jon was excited about his new rifle and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear.
The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex." Jon decided to bend over.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him.
The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Jon thought it was better to comply.
Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there.
The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Jon, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Him: "I woke up with a hard-on this morning, and it had your name written all over it."
Her: "I'm sure my name is far too long to fit the whole thing on your dick."
Him: "Oh, yeah? What's your name?"
Her: "Lu."
A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband", she replies.
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie.
The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions, but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the rear. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God
for that!"
"What do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."
The Doorbell
A priest was walking down his street one day when he noticed a very small boy trying to press the doorbell on a house. The boy was very short and the doorbell was too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moved closer to the boy. He crossed the street, walked up behind the little fellow, placed his hand kindheartedly on the child's shoulder leaned over and gave the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiled benevolently and asked, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replied, "Now we run!"
Car Trouble
A car breaks down along the highway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in long black trench coats.
The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to all the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups.
When the police questioned him why he put two deviates along the side ofthe road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"
An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old, the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could
overexert himself.
After the festivities, she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well, whereup on he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.
After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again, ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further
coupling, which is again successful, after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at
this point and is close to sleep for the second time, when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 20 year old and ready for more. Once again, they do the horizontal boogie.
As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, 'I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one.'
The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, 'Was I already here?'
The Lottery
A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, You have to meet me halfway on this... You have to buy a ticket."
