Jokes Page 14
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't
get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."
When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked,
"What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Bablist because they dunk all of you in it. We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
"Yes. What do you think that means?"
"That means we're Pisscopalians."
A teacher called Mrs. Franny, arrived at school on her
first day. She met with the school's principal, who
greeted her with, "Good Morning Mrs. Fanny."
Mrs Franny sighed. "It's not Fanny, it's Franny. Oh
God, I hope all the students don't start calling me
Mrs. Fanny."
The principal saw how upset Mrs. Franny was about the
mix up with her name, and was determined not to make
the mistake again. He led Mrs. Franny down to her
classroom, to introduce her to her class. As he did
this, he kept repeating over in his head, "Don't forget
to say the R! Don't forget to say the R!"
Finally, they reached the classroom, and the principal
introduced the new teacher to the class. "Good morning
students. This is Mrs. Crunt."
Three guys are sitting in a bar having a few drinks together.>/div>
One guy says, "So tell me, what do you do to drive your wife wild?"
"Well," says the second guy, "After making love, I go out to the garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and sprinkle them all over her body. Then I blow them off with a soft breath that drives her wild."
Next guy says, "After making love, I get some baby oil and massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!"
Last guy says, "When me and the old lady are through, I jump out of bed and wipe my cock on the curtain. Drives her fucking nuts!"
TOP 10 THINGS MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
And of course...
10.
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.
"I used some horrible language this week and feel
absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that
looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it
struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway
and fell straight down to the ground after going only
about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran
out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and
began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no," says the nun.
"You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came
down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons
and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in
its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming
impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over
the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about
six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother
Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was quite a spiritual person. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.
He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
Special Coffeecake
An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery', and sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"
The Elephant
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
''It's nice, but can it pick up peanuts?''
A fellow got up one Saturday morning with the odd feeling that something about this day was to be different. Something unusual was about to happen. He glanced out the window at the thermometer: 33 degrees. He went downstairs - the clock had stopped at 3 o'clock. He picked up the newspaper and read the date: the 3rd of the month.
Threes - that was it! He grabbed the paper and flipped it open to the racing section. Sure enough in the 3rd race, there was a horse named Trio! The fellow hurried to the bank, drew out his life savings and bet it all on the horse to win.
The horse ran third.
YOU KNOW YOUR LIFE SUCKS WHEN...
10. A black cat crosses your path and drops dead.
9. You take an assertiveness training course and you're
afraid to tell your wife.
8. The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
7. Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft.
6. You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment.
5. Your children's school calls to surrender.
4. The bride's family throws rocks instead of rice.
3. Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.
2. Your plants do better when you don't talk to them.
1. All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists.
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for
airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
'You can't get out of your room?' the captain asked, 'Why not?'
The stewardess replied, 'There are only three doors in here, 'she cried,' one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!!
For all you Nortel investors out there.
If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.
If you bought $1000 worth of Molson's (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel deposit, you would have $79.
My advice, start drinking heavily.
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid said, "Yeah."
The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
Another Fight
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had a fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
"She said, "Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!!!"
The Power of Turpentine
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, its called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water, If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby boy."
The little boy replied, "Shoot, that ain't nothin'. You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's butt and he'll pass a motorcycle."
Dear God:
Why didn't you save the school children at...
a.. Moses Lake, Washington 2/2/96
b.. Bethel, Alaska 2/19/97
c.. Pearl, Mississippi 10/1/97
d.. West Paducah, Kentucky 12/1/97
e.. Stamps, Arkansas 12/15/97
f.. Jonesboro, Arkansas 3/24/98
g.. Edinboro, Pennsylvania 4/24/98
h.. Fayetteville, Tennessee 5/19/98
i.. Springfield, Oregon 5/21/98
j.. Richmond, Virginia 6/15/98
k.. Littleton, Colorado 4/20/99
l.. Taber, Alberta, Canada 5/28/99
m.. Conyers, Georgia 5/20/99
n.. Deming, New Mexico 11/19/99
o.. Fort Gibson, Oklahoma 12/6/99
p.. Santee, California 3/5/01 and
q.. El Cajon, California 3/22/01?
Sincerely,
Concerned Student
Dear Concerned Student:
I am not allowed in schools.
Sincerely,
God
Let's see, I think it started when Madeline Murray O'Hare complained she didn't want any prayer in our schools.
And we said, OK...
Then, someone said you better not read the Bible in school, the Bible that says "thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbors yourself,"
And we said, OK...
Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem.
And we said, an expert should know what he's talking about so we won't spank them anymore...
Then someone said teachers and principals better not discipline our children when they misbehave. And the school administrators said no faculty member in this school better touch a student when they misbehave because we don't want any bad publicity, and we surely don't want to be sued.
And we accepted their reasoning...
Then someone said, let's let our daughters have abortions if they want, and they won't even have to tell their parents.
And we said, that's a grand idea...
Then some wise school board member said, since boys will be boys and they're going to do it anyway, let's give our sons all the condoms they want, so they can have all the fun they desire, and we won't have
to tell their parents they got them at school.
And we said, that's another great idea...
Then some of our top elected officials said it doesn't matter what we do in private as long as we do our jobs.
And we said, it doesn't matter what anybody, including the President, does in private as long as we have jobs and the economy is good...
And someone else took that appreciation a step further and published pictures of nude children and then stepped further still by making them available on the Internet.
And we said, everyone's entitled to free speech...
And the entertainment industry said, let's make TV shows and movies that promote profanity, violence and illicit sex... And let's record music that encourages rape, drugs, murder, suicide, and satanic themes...
And we said, it's just entertainment and it has no adverse effect and nobody takes it seriously anyway, so go right ahead...
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, classmates or even themselves.
Undoubtedly, if we thought about it long and hard enough, we could
figure it out. I'm sure it has a great deal to do with...
"WE REAP WHAT WE SOW!"
