Jokes Page 15
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where in the heck was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"
"How come you're late?" the bartender asks Judi, the waitress as she walks in the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
The war on terrorism took a strange and sad turn Friday when airline officials at O'Hare International Airport refused to let a 73-year-old grandmother board her plane as she had in her possession two six-
inch knitting needles. Apparently authorities were worried that she might knit an Afghan.
A very big woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she
pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slammed his hand on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned again to the patrons and pointed around at all of them, once again revealing her hairy armpit, and demanded, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slapped his hand down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and asked, "Say, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"
The little drunk replied, "Sir!, To me, any woman who can lift her leg that high must be a ballerina ...."
A drunk walks into a bar, orders a drink and says to the bartender, “all lawyers are assholes” and the guy at the end of the bar says “you better take that back” The drunk man goes, why, are you a lawyer? The man says no, I’m an asshole.
30 Harsh Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.
A little boy was taking a shower with his mother. She told him not to look up or down. He looked up any way and asked "mommy what are those?” She replied, "Those are mommy’s headlights". Then he looked down and asked "mommy what is that?” She replied "that is mommy’s garden". Later the boy was taking a shower with his father. He told the boy not to look down, but he looked down any way. The boy asked "daddy what’s that?” His father replied, "That’s daddy’s snake". That night when the boy was in bed he heard noises coming from his parents room. He ran in and yelled "mommy turn on your headlights there’s a snake in your garden!"
One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He
stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?"
"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," the boy informed him.
When April and I first dated, I have to admit I overlooked some of her delightful shortcuts to a college degree. The more we hung out together, I detected there were some, err, "gaps" in her education. ("We never had a president named Millard
Fillmore! You're making that up!")
Anyway, one of the first times we "got together" she was over at my apartment examining everything. (Why do you women do that? Y'all are like cats.)
I was preparing a couple of drinks and April was looking over the paintings. The books. The knick knacks on the shelf. Finally, she stopped dead in front of the fireplace.
"What on earth is *that*?" she asked, pointing towards a carved wooden object lying on the mantel.
"Oh, that," I chuckled. "It's African. They use them in their fertility rites. It's a phallic symbol."
"Oh, I see," she nodded. "I'd hate to tell you what it looks like!"
Three weeks after her wedding day, Barbara called her
minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "Nate and I had a *horrible* fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. *Every* marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Barbara. "But what am I going to do with the *body*?"
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: = $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: = $2.50
Hand Job: = $10.00
He walks up to the bar to one ot the three exceptionally attractive blondes
serving drinks. 'Can I help you?'
'I was wondering', whispers the man, 'are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?'
'Yes' Purrs the woman, 'indeed I am'
The man replies 'Well wash your hands, I wanna cheese sandwich.'
RULES FOR MEN:
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your bosses car
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game"
e. When your Date is using her teeth
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes.
For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
Bitching about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man (in fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional).
On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
While your girlfriend must bond with your mates' girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pals' significant dick-heads--- low level sports bonding is all the law requires (sorry ladies, it's called a double standard and we drew the short straw on
that one).
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothing.
Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much beer as the other sports watchers.
You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a Mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
d. Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.
The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird
and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
John walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra.
The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?"
John says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and
discussed their vacation.
The first guy says 'I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, '7 come 11' all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!'
The second guy says 'I know what you mean...my old lady played black jack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers
'hit me light or hit me hard', and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!'
The third guy says 'You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters.'
One day lil red riding hood was walking through the forest when the wolf came out and said,"I'm gonna fuck your lil red socks off" Lil red riding hood,said,"No way" and kept on walking.After a while lil red riding hood took a small break from walking.The wolf said,"I'm gonna fuck your lil red socks off" Lil red Riding hood replied,"No you aint" and kept walking on the path. She finally reached her Grandmas House and steped inside. The wolf was waiting for her. The wolf stated,"I'm gonna fuck your lil red socks off". Lil red riding hood replied,"The hell you are,Your gonna eat me just like the story goes.
hree sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.
When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."
