Jokes Page 17
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck ....This was your Grandma's idea."
A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he
hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch
and report any activities while he was gone.
A few days later, he received this report:
MOST HONORABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE.
I WATCH HOUSE.
HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH.
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE.
I NOT SEE.
NO FEE,
CHEN LEE.
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into the forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a
badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
One day these two girls were hired to clean this guy's house. While they were there the AC broke, so one of the girls said, "Hey, since no one is here and its so hot in here lets take off our clothes. "The other girl agreed. So they took their clothes off. Later that day they heard a knock at the door. One of the girls went to the door and asked who it was. "Blind man," the person answered. The girl said, "Hey, since he's blind he can't see us." So she let him in. As soon as the blindman stepped in he said, "Nice tits where do you want these blinds."
Alcoholic's glossary of terms...
1 STAR HANGOVER (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomb and a side of gravy fries.
2 STAR HANGOVER (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug is only acerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie
fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels.
3 STAR HANGOVER (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'ed you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be
better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke.
You haven't peed once.
4 STAR HANGOVER (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an
oh-so-crucial spot shaving (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars). Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the
class picture of High School in '56.
5 STAR HANGOVER (*****)
AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell." You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next office. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your
mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don't remember who you were
with, where you were, what you drank, and why there was a stranger in your bed when you left for work.
6 STAR HANGOVER (******)
Otherwise known as the "Infinite Nutsmacker." You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your vomit from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your buddy was as drunk as you, but somehow manages to get up
before you the next morning.... You try to lift your head. Not an option. It is when you turn your head too quickly only to smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair, and suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights... some jackass
handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp "Ready to Rock" faintly atop your forehead...... that explains the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically
appeared on your forehead by alcoholicosmosis. You have a meeting at work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your 'horsey' pajamas and your 'bunny' slippers...
A somewhat strange guy walks into a bar. The bartender notices him and watches as the man walks up to a group of men at a table and starts talking to them. The man then gets up and goes to the bartender and says..."I bet you $500 that I can piss in that shot glass on the back wall without spilling a drop." The bartender, thinking he could make himself a quick $500 takes the bet. The man then unzips his pants and starts pissing all over the bartender and the bar. He pisses on everything but the shot glass. When he is finished the bartender says,” well I guess you owe me $500." The man walks back over to the table and comes back and gives the bartender $500 the bartender then ask..."How did you get that money from them?" The man replies..."Well I just bet them $2,000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you wouldn't get mad."
Dear Dr Ruth,
I'm writing to tell you my problem, It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing; Ironing, Washing dishes, Sweeping, even doing E-Mail on AOL, etc. I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld ;;'
cinsely ous
mdyl
There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.
They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this:
She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was awesome:
He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.
Three babies are in their mother's womb. One of them says, "I want to be an artist, so everyone will know what it looks like in here." The next one says, "I want to be an olympic swimmer because I get so much practice in here." Then the last baby says," I'm going to be a hunter, because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again I'm gonna chop that damned thing in half!"
Signs:
At a Santa Fe gas station:
"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
In a New York restaurant:
"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy"
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
"38 years on the same spot."
In a Los Angeles dance hall:
"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
In a Florida maternity ward:
"No children allowed."
In a New York drugstore:
"We dispense with accuracy."
In the offices of a loan company:
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."
In a New York medical building:
"Mental Health Prevention Center"
On a New York convalescent home:
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
At a number of military bases:
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
"Now available in multi-packs."
In a funeral parlor:
"Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
"15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
On a shopping mall marquee:
"Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"
Outside a country shop:
"We buy junk and sell antiques."
In the window of an Oregon store:
"Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
In a Maine restaurant:
"Open 7 days a week and weekends."
In the vestry of a New England church:
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
On a roller coaster:
"Watch your head."
On the grounds of a public school:
"No trespassing without permission."
On a Tennessee highway:
"When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
"If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."
And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says, "Do not throw stones at this sign."
?? One Question ??
NOW that the President has called us to prayer...
NOW that Congress has called us to prayer...
NOW that our Governor has called us to prayer...
NOW that the city Mayor has called us to prayer...
NOW that the "liberal" media and most other branches of our American society have called us to prayer...
AND NOW that our churches are assembling in special prayer...
"Honorable" Justices of the Supreme Court, I have only one question.
Would it be O.K. to pray in our schools??
An American Citizen & Christian
Teacher: Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil: No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week.
