Jokes
Jokes Page 18
Two kids are camping, Jim and Earl. Earl had to take a pee and a snake bit him. He screams, "I’ve been bitten, run to a doctor to see what to do”. Little Jim runs to a doctor and the doctor says you got to suck the venom out and then spit. Little Jim runs back and asks Earl:” were is the bite? Earl says on my penis, what did the doctor say?. Jim replies "the doctor said your going to die”.
There is a little boy name Jimmy. He hears his parents fighting, "You Bitch, You Basterd" and little Jimmy says, "What does that mean?" "Grandma and Grampa son, Grandma and Grampa." So then he goes and plays out side and hears these people talking, "Yeah so I said c'mon stick your dick in my pussy." He says, "What is dick and pussy." The people turn around surprised and quickly say, "hat and coat."
Then he goes upstairs to find his dad shaving. His dad cuts himself and says, "SHIT!" "What does that mean Daddy?" "Oh, um, shaving cream." Then little Jimmy goes down stairs to see his mom stuffing the turkey. Her ring gets caught and she says, "FUCK!" Little Jimmy says, "What does that mean Mommy?" "Stuffing son, stuffing." Then the doorbell rings and Jimmy goes to open it. It's his grandparents. Little Jimmy says "Hi Bitch, hi Basturd, can I take your dick and pussy? Dad's upstairs putting shit all over his face and Mom's in the kitchen fuckin the turkey!"
New Diet Rules
1. If you eat something, but no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. ex. hot chocolate, brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
ex. milk duds, buttered popcorn, junior mints and Tootsie Rolls
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.
9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories. ex. peanut butter on a knife, ice cream on a spoon
10. Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.
"Close the curtains," requested our 2 yr. old granddaughter, sitting in a pool of bright light. "The sun's looking at me too hard."
My friend asked our grandson when he would turn 6.
He replied, "When I'm tired of being 5."
Seeing her first hailstorm, Mary Sue, age 3, exclaimed, "Mommy, it's raining dumplings!"
As I frantically waved away a pesky fly with a white dishtowel, my granddaughter observed, "Maybe he thinks you're surrendering."
A friend's grandson, 4, was reading with his granddad about Adam and Eve. He asked, "Is this where God took out the man's brain and made a woman?"
Announcing to daughter Lori that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, "You mean he has a mustache?"
When I asked our grandson if he could name the capital of Florida, he fired right back, "Capital F!"
While shampooing our son, 4, I noted his hair was growing so fast he'd soon need it cut. He replied, "Maybe we shouldn't water it so much."
My daughter told her 5-year-old that their van was going to be fixed. Instantly, the small fry assumed, "Oh, it's going to the tire-o-practor?"
Impressed by her 5-year-old's vocabulary, my friend complimented the young scholar, who nonchalantly responded, " I have words in my head I
haven't even used yet."
His Mom informed her son, Brian, that she was going outside to get a little sun. "But Mommy, he gulped, "You already have a son. Me!"
When our son asked about two look-alike classmates at school, we told him they were probably twins. The next day, he came home from school all bubbly and said "Guess what! They are not only twins....they're
brothers!!"
More from the mouths of our little kids...
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"
The kid smiles and says, "I'd be a bus driver!"
A young man walks into the local whore house wanting to
lose his viginity. He only has $5 and is told by the madam to go down the stairs and enter the 2nd door on the left. When he enters the room there is no bed and certainly no woman, just a chicken stood on a table. Not wanting to lose his money he grabs the chicken and starts banging like there's no tomorrow. After about half an hour he leaves and goes home fairly satisfied. The next day he decides to return to the whore house, but this time he has $15. This time he told to go downstairs and take the 4th door on the right. When he enters the room he sees two booths, the first is occupied by a guy peering through a hole and wanking off. The young man goes into the empty booth and peers through the hole, where he see a guy fucking a really gorgeous woman, he too starts to have a wank. Busy pleasuring himself he shouts to the guy next to him, "Isn't this great? A real sex show for only $15!" "Yeah," the guy replies. "But you should of
been here yesterday. There was a guy fucking a chicken!"
A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He
curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"
After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"
THE DR. SEUSS PURITY TEST
Have you done it on a boat?
Have you done it with a goat?
Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?
Have you done it in the ass?
Have you done it high on grass?
Have you done it in the car?
Have you simply gone too far?
Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?
Have you done it on your back?
Have you done it strapped to a rack?
Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it with a fox?
Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it with more than three?
Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?
Have you done it 'tween the tits?
Have you done it wearing mitts?
Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it undercover?
Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it in a church?
Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with a surgeon?
Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it while insane?
Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it underage?
Have you done it with all your friends?
Have you done it in both ends?
Have you done it with your dog?
Have you done it on a log?
Have you done it under clamps?
Have you done it with the lamps?
Have you done it for all to see?
Have you ever had VD?
Have you done it on Mother's couch?
Have you done it in your mouth?
Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it out of shape?
Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it whilst you pee?
Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a whim?
Have you done it on a dare?
Do you really think we care?
Answer these and count your "no"s, pray this number
never grows; Fifty questions we asked thee, score
times two is your purity.
Aw, shit...
TOP TEN SIGNS WHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS ON THE ROCKS
10. Her term of affection for you is, "You Bastard."
9. She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep.
8. She rushes to answer the phone each time it rings,
and puts it down saying, "I can't talk now... I'll call
you later."
7. Your picture on her wall has darts in it.
6. She reads books like, "Women are From Venus, Men Are
Complete Assholes."
5. She falls asleep while she's giving you a blow job.
4. When you call her, she answers your voice with, "Oh.
It's only you."
3. She cancels your date because she has to clean out
the septic tank.
2. She makes inquiries about going on the Witness
Protection Program.
1. Her cat pees on you and receives a reward.
WHO SAYS REDNECKS AREN'T REAL BRIGHT...
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's
house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy!"
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any
interest in his paintings which were on display at that
time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied.
"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your
work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after
your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15
of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."
Things we all would like to say at work
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message..
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX
1) You can always GET chocolate.
2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16) Good chocolate is easy to find.
17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19) When you have chocolate it doesn't keep your neighbors awake.
20) With chocolate size doesn't matter.
