Jokes
Jokes Page 19
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the
husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body
because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to
donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt
was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The
husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded
at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get
all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss
you on the cheek."
SENIOR CITIZEN BEATS INFLATION
A couple, aged 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple
finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with
the way you have intercourse," and charged them $16.00.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would
make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor,
and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly
are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. Holiday Inn charges $60.00. Hilton Hotel charges $42.00. We do it here for $16.00 and I get back $12.80 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."
SUNBAKING NUDE
A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde
female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade." But the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and
the young man treated her to a homecooked dinner, after
which they went into the livingroom to watch a movie.
During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"
Anagrams
An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made
by transposing or rearranging the letters of another
word or phrase.The following are exceptionally clever.
Someone out there either has far too much time to
waste or is deadly at Scrabble. Wait till you see
he last one!
Dormitory
When you rearrange the letters:
Dirty Room
Desperation
When you rearrange the letters:
A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code
When you rearrange the letters:
Here Come Dots
Slot Machines
When you rearrange the letters:
Cash Lost in 'em
Mother-in-law
When you rearrange the letters:
Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms
When you rearrange the letters:
Alas! No More Z's
And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA
It can be rearranged (with no letters left
over, and using each letter only once) into:
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
A boy is eating breakfast with his grandfather one morning, and the grandfather notices the boy playing with some kind of chemical in a test tube. The boy pours the chemical on a worm and the worm turned hard as a rock. The grandfather says, "Son, what is that you're putting on that worm?"
The boy replies, "I'm not sure. Something I mixed up. But everything I put it on turns hard."
So the grandfather says, "I'll make a deal with you...let me borrow some of that, and if it does what I think it will do, I'll leave you £5 on your breakfast plate in the morning."
The boy says OK, and goes off to school. The next morning when the boy went down for breakfast he had £25 on his plate. He says, "Grandpa, I thought you said you would leave me £5 if that stuff did what you thought it would do."
The grandfather replies, "I did, son....the other £20 is from Grandma!"
A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the
restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing,
until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!"
"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a
naked woman in there and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"
"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"
So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the
top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."
"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about a drink?"
More Redneck "Computer Terms"??
LOG ON : Making a wood stove hot
LOG OFF: Too much wood on fire
MONITOR: Keep'n an eye on the wood stove
DOWN LOAD: Gitten the farwood off'n the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerfull gitten the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to tote too much farwood
RAM: That thar thang what splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gitten home in the winter time
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when its cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when its black fly season
BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer theTV
MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha do to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Ole Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whar you hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Dem dang plastic forks and knifes
MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof
PORT: Fancy flatlander wine
ENTER: Notherner talk fer "C'Mon in y'all"
CLICK: Whut you hear when you cock yer gun
DOUBLE CLICK: When you cock the double barrel
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer where the mouse lives
Stages of a Man's Life
When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes him so sexy.
When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to see who's the dude behind him.
But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to see if he's unzipped.
More Fun Things To Do At Wal-Mart
Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they're not looking.
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.
Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'I think we have a Code 3 in housewares,' and see what happens.
Turn all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10.
Challenge other customers to duel with tubes of gift wrap.
Put a package of M & M's on layaway.
Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,'Why won't you people leave me alone?'
Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with G.I. Joes and X-Men.
While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'
Set up a 'Valet Parking' sign out front.
In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different sized funnels.
Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say 'Pick me! Pick me!!!!'
When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream, 'NO! NO! It's those voices again!'
Go into the fitting room and yell real loud . . . . . . 'Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!'
Bread
Little Johnny is returning home from the store swinging a loaf of bread in one hand. His other hand in his pants pocket. Off in the distance, Father
Joseph sees little Johnny and considers, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to little Johnny." Father Joseph approaches little Johnny and says, "I see that you have the Staff of Life in one
hand."
"Yep," replies little Johnny. "And I have a loaf of bread in the other!"
Be Nice To Animals
Little Johnny's father wakes him up one morning and says "Johnny, go feed the animals as I am late and must take a shower."
Little Johnny who is now angry gets out of bed and walks past his mother who is making breakfast in the kitchen. Johnny gathers the food for the
chicken, pig, and cow. First, Johnny kicks the chicken and drops it's feed in its feeder. Second, Johnny walks up to the pig, kicks it, and drops its
slop in it's trough. Third, Johnny walks up, kicks the cow, and gives the cow it's food.
Meanwhile, his mother can see all of what Johnny is doing from the kitchen. Johnny walks back to the house and enters the kitchen. Johnny's mother says, "Johnny, I saw what you did and for kicking the chicken, you
will have no eggs for breakfast, for kicking the pig, you will have no bacon. For kicking the cow, you will have no milk."
Meanwhile, Johnny's father walks down the stairs and trips over the cat and nearly falls. Johnny's father walks up and kicks the cat. Johnny looks
at his mother and says "Should I tell him what he's not going to have or are you?"
WOW !!! THIS IS SCARY !!!
Can you imagine working for an organization that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
*3 have done time for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
*84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress - the same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
You gotta pass this one on!
