Jokes
Jokes Page 20
Men and Dogs the Whole Story
How Men and Dogs Are the Same:
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Neither does any dishes.
Both pass gas shamelessly.
Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
How Dogs Are Better Than Men:
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they don't laugh at how you throw).
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
How Men Are Better Than Dogs:
Men only have two feet that track in mud.
Men can buy you presents.
Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them for a walk.
Men are a little bit more subtle.
Dogs have dog breathe all the time.
Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
20 Ways to Annoy a Yankee
1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.
2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.
3. When giving directions, finish with "and it's right down yonder on the left." Confuses the mess out of 'em.
4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.
5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"
6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. (This really does annoy 'em!)
8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.
9. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie-John Michael-Jim Bob. . .you get the idea)
10. Frequently bring up "The war of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there
was nothing civil about it."
11. Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".
12. Put Tabasco on everything.
13. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!",say "Well, I'll be darned, my wife has always wanted to see a
Broadway show!"
14. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana ones.
15. Use the word "reckon" in a sentence and watch their reaction.
16. Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something.
17. Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.
18. Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations...Offends the heck out of 'em.
19. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Old Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to
be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there..."
"You said left." "Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other
side of town.."
20. Just Call 'em a yankee. Works every time.
The Road to Heaven
The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, 'Where do you want to go?'
'Heaven!' Suzy cried out.
'And what do you have to be to get there?' asked the preacher.
'Dead!' yelled Little Johnny.
Three sisters, Fanny, Judy and Sammy walk in to a pub.
These are not normal sisters, they all have incredibly
large feet (size 15+ shoes!).
Judy and Sammy sit down while Fanny goes to the bar for
drinks. While she is gone, two young guys on the pull
cruise across with the intention of chattin' up the
lovely sisters. They start their routine of chat up lines when one sees their incredibly large feet. He says "Hang about! Look at the size of your feet, they're bigger than mine!"
The sisters smile and reply, "Well, if you think they are big, you wait til you see our Fanny's!
One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack
and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil
is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here,"
says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room
for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here
who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them
go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you
decide who leaves."
Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil
opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Bill.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Jesse
Jackson, lying on the floor with his arms staked over
his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does
best. Clinton took this in disbelief and finally said,
"Yea, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
A lady hears that the local drug store now features a mind-reading druggist. She can't believe it, so she goes down to the store, and there's a sign, right in
the window, "Mind-reading druggist."
She walks in, and the druggist says to her, "You're here for suppositories."
She says, "Nope, I'm here for tampons."
He says, "Hey, didn't miss it by much did I?"
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking
lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
As man is out driving along a back country highway
and passes a sign which reads:
SISTERS OF MERCY
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES.
He thinks that it was a figment of his imagination and
drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF MERCY
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES.
Realizing these signs are for real, he drives a little
farther on and sure enough, there is a third sign:
SISTERS OF MERCY
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT.
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into
the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot he
sees a somber stone building with a sign on the
door that reads:
SISTERS OF MERCY
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION.
He climbs the steps, rings the bell and the door is
answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks,
"What may we do for you my son?"
"I saw your signs posted while I was driving along
the highway and so I was interested in possibly
doing some business," he answers.
"Very well, my son. Please follow me," she says.
He is led through many winding passages, and soon
he is very disoriented. The nun stops in front of a
closed door and tells the man,
"Please, knock on this door" and leaves.
The man does as he is told and this door is opened
by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin
cup. This nun instructs:
"Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the
large wooden door at the end of this hallway and
close the door behind you."
He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He trots
eagerly down the hallway and slips through the door,
pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds
himself back out in the parking lot, and facing
another small sign:
"Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the
Sisters of Mercy."
An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at
the nursing home. They undressed and were about to do
it when the woman decides to warn the man of her heart
condition. "I should tell you, I have acute angina," she said.
The man replied, "That's good because you have the ugliest breasts I've ever seen!"
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, on
being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might just as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline:
PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS.
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next day's race, and this time it won. The paper then read:
PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper's headline the next day read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day read:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun she couldn't keep the donkey. She sold the donkey to a farmer for $10. Next day the headline read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun
to buy back the donkey & lead it to the plains where it
could run wild and free.
Next day, the headline in the paper read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
You Know You're In California When...
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9. You can't remember.....is pot illegal?
10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
17. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
18. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 2000."
19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
21. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
22. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????
23. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
