Jokes
Jokes Page 21
Flight
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."
A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
Dumb Nurse
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about nurse Jenny.
"She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall, the hear: "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
NEW MATH
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
52 cards: 1 decacards
3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
One day the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth.
Little Johnny says "It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth."
The teacher says "that is correct, but why?"
Little Johnny answers "I don't know, but my mom always tells my dad "turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!"
What sign are you? Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy and what you watch on television. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...
CUSTOMER SERVICE:
Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for
your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service". Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your
manager.
TECHNOLOGY:
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU
don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
MARKETING:
You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socialising - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES:
Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree", you are also self-centred and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take
their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
ENGINEERING:
One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with
yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...
One day a little boy walked in on his parents doing it and asked what they were doing.
The parents' reply was that they were making fish sticks. So the little boy left it at that (gullible little chap).
A few nights later the little boy walks in on them again, and this time he asks, "Are you making fish sticks again?"
The parents both reply yes.
The boy remarks, "Well, mom, you have a little tartar sauce on your mouth."
Clinton At Home
Bill Clinton steps out of his house into the snowy New York weather in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the lawn, he sees "The Ex-President Is Gonna Pay" written in urine across the snow.
Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine!! Whoever it was had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!"
The security guys stay silent and stare at the floor.
Bill hollers "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!" The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief
security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr. Clinton, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news.
Which do you want first?" Clinton says "Oh hell, give me the bad news first."
The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine."
Clinton says "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what's the really bad news?"
The officer replies "Well, it's Hillary's handwriting!"
Clinton Jogging
Every morning Clinton takes a jog around New York City. Each day he passes a hooker on a particular street corner and, as he goes by, she shouts out
"fifty dollars!" and he replies "no, five dollars!"
This continues for several days. He runs by, she says "fifty dollars!" and he says "no, five dollars!"
One day Hillary is around and decides that she wants to go jogging with Bill. As they are approaching the now infamous street corner, Bill suddenly realizes that the hooker will bark out her $50 offer and that he
will have some explaining to do with the First
Lady.
As they turn the corner, Bill is still in a quandry as to what to do. Sure enough there is the hooker. She looks up as Bill and Hillary jog by and
yells to Bill, "see what you get for five dollars?!?"
FAVORITE BUMPER STICKERS
1. Mean People Suck...Nice People Swallow!
2. My Boss is Just Like a Diaper: Always on my Ass and
Always Full of Shit!
3. Cats...The Other White Meat!
4. If You Don't Like The Way I Drive Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT.
5. I Still Miss My Ex...But My Aim Is Improving.
6. If I Wanted To Hear From An Asshole, I'd Fart!
7. Keep Honking...I am Reloading.
8. Horn Broke...Watch for Finger.
9. Drink Grape Juice Because O. J. Kills!
10. Lost Your Cat? Try Looking Under My Tires.
11. I'm Trying To See Things From Your Perspective...
But I Can't Get My Head That Far Up My Ass!
12. Smile If You Aren't Wearing Any Underware.
13. Save A Tree...Eat A Beaver!
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed
away, Jenny went straight to visit her grandmother. Whenshe asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Jenny suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.
"Oh no," her granny replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs." She paused, and wiped away a tear.... "If it wasn't for that damn ice cream van going past, he'd still be alive."
Fred was unable to satisfy his blonde wife. He tried hundreds of methods but just wasn't able to do the job. He finally went to his best friend and asked for
advice. His friend told him not to worry because he knew a method that was a 100% successful.
He said, "Hire a well hung young stud to stand near your bed and wave a huge towel over both of you while you are having sex. This way your wife will be
stimulated and have an orgasm."
The guy hired the stud, but all efforts were in vain. He went back to his friend and told him what happened. So his friend suggested that they switch places.
"Why don't you wave the towel while the stud does the job in bed," says the friend. Poor Fred agreed, and said that he would do anything to satisfy his
wife. He hired the same guy again and this time they traded positions. Naturally, the blonde had a divine orgasm.
The husband leaned over to the young stud and said, "You see!! That's how you wave the fucking towel!"
THINGS MEN SHOULDN'T SAY AFTER SEX
"I was kidding about being sterile, you know."
"How come it's so BIG in there?"
"You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"
"Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear,... OK?"
(Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"
"Do you know what a 'douche' is?"
"Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."
"I want you to try some of MY deodorant."
"I've been getting these little blisters lately...."
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made
any wishes. You have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."
"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish, too."
