Jokes
Jokes Page 22
The little girl had just listened to her mother's reading one of her favorite fairy tales.
"Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon a Time'...?"
"No, sweetheart," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight'."
A woman who had been taking golf lessons was playing her first round when a bee stung her leg. On the way back to the clubhouse, she ran into her golf instructor. "Why are you back so early?" he asked.
"I was stung by a bee," she said.
"Where?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole," she answered.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
One day little Mary came home from playing at Little Johnny's house.
"Mommy mommy, Johnny's penis is like a peanut."
Her mother is confused and then she realizes what her daughter is talking about. "Oh, you mean, its shaped like a peanut." "No, no," says Mary, "it's salty!"
When I was younger I hated going to weddings ... all the aunts and grandmotherly types would come up to poke me in the ribs, cackle and exclaim, "You're next!"
That nonsense stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
FAVORITE NURSERY RHYMES
Jack and Jill Went up the hill
To have a little fun
Stupid Jill Forgot the pill
And now they have a son
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her
Between two hunks of bread
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Her clothes all tattered and torn
It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her
But Little Boy Blue and his horn
Simple Simon met a Pie man
Going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man, "What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dipshit!"
There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead
And when she was good
She was very, very good
But when she was bad
She got a fur coat, jewels, a sports car......
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Had scrambled eggs on toast for breakfast
Two kids went into their parents bathroom and noticed the weigh scale in the corner.
"Whatever you do," cautioned one youngster to the other, "Don't step on it!"
"Why not," asked the sibling.
"Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful scream!"
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got
Farmer Gossman goes to the vet and says, "My horse is
constipated."
The vet says, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's rear, and blow the pill up there."
Farmer Gossman comes back the next day, and he looks very sick.
The vet says, "What happened?"
Farmer Gossman says, "The horse blew first."
It was little Michael's first visit to the country, and feeding the chickens fascinated him.
Early one morning he caught his first glimpse of peacock strutting in the yard. Rushing indoors excitedly, Michael sought his grandmother.
"Oh, Granny," he exclaimed, "one of the chickens is in bloom!"
The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring
books. Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said,
"Miss Francis, I ain't go no crayons."
"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, I don't have any crayons. You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"
"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them
crayons?"
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911.
In less than five minutes, a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new
again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you high rolling lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"OH MY GOD," screamed the lawyer, "My Rolex!!!!"
Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."
The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"
So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."
Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."
The Prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him: "I'm sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big tragedy.
"But in case you are missing any documents from the
Pentagon, we have copies of everything."
A man is driving down a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving up the same road.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "Pig!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies with "BITCH!"
They each continue on their way, as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
After school one day Todd, an eager second-grader, came up to his mother and asked, "Mom, what's a pussy?"
Somewhat startled by the question, but directing her answer away from the adult definition, the mother replied, "Son, sometimes people say the word pussy, for short, when they really mean pussycat. You know
like Boots, the cat that lives next door. Boots could be called a pussy or better yet, pussycat."
That didn't compute with what Tod heard on the playground that day, but he continued, "Mom, what about a bitch? What is a bitch?"
She pursued her puritanical theme by answering, "Todd, an adult female dog is commonly referred to as a bitch. But Son, where did you hear such words?"
"From the fourth-graders on the playground, Mom," he replied.
"I think you should play with your second-grade friends and stay away from those fourth-graders," the mother stated.
Later, Todd found his dad working in the garage. He went up to his dad and asked, "Dad, what's a pussy?"
The dad contemplated how he should answer this delicate question. Then resolving that an honest question deserves and honest answer, he reached up on the top shelf of his tool bench and took down a copy of
the Playboy magazine. He pulled out the centerfold and laid it on the workbench. With a felt-tip pen the dad drew a very tight circle around the vulva of the nude playmate-of-the- month.
Pointing to the centerfold and looking his son square in the eye, the dad said, "Todd, Son, everything inside that little circle is called a pussy!"
"WOW," said Todd as his eyes bugged at the small circle. Now that made more sense about what he heard on the playground that day.
"Dad, what's a bitch" Todd asked?
"Well, Son, a bitch is everything outside that circle."
One day a man was eating dinner with his girlfriends parents. The dog was under his chair and it barked while he was holding in a fart, this startled the man and caused him to rip a small fart. The mom said, "Fido!", Since the dog was recieving the blame he decided to rip a huge one, again the mother said, "Fido! Go Away!", Seeing as the dog was continuing to recieve the blame he let out a wet, loud, and/or possibly deafening fart. The his girlfriend said, " Fido, you heard mom, leave before he shits on you!"
A woman was out shopping one day with her son. The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, "Momma, look at the bowlegged man!"
Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to
read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the play.
Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time. So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men
are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"
At Frederick's of Hollywood a husband wants to buy his wife the sheerest lingerie he can find. "This is $200," says the saleswoman, showing him an item. "I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." "Sheerer than that." "This is the sheerest we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" he replies. The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." She goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take it back for a refund and he won't know the difference." So she comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks. He looks at her a moment and says, "Well, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the thing."
