Jokes
Jokes Page 23
True Story...
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, she found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, 'I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car you scumbags!'
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags
into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall,
glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
Psalm 129
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes
from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest
rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job or you might miss a great opportunity!
BEWARE OF THE FOLLOWING "VIRUSES"...
THE AL GORE Virus.... Causes your computer to just keep
counting and counting.
THE CLINTON Virus.... Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) Virus.... Makes a new hard
drive out of an old floppy.
THE LEWINSKY Virus.... Sucks all the memory out of your
computer, then emails everyone about what it did.
THE RONALD REAGAN Virus.... Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
THE MIKE TYSON Virus.... Quits after two bytes.
THE OPRAH WINFREY Virus.... Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb.
THE JACK KEVORKIAN Virus.... Deletes all old files.
THE ELLEN DEGENERES Virus.... Disks can no longer be
inserted.
THE PROZAC Virus.... Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO Virus.... Only attacks minor files.
THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER Virus.... Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.
THE LORENA BOBBITT Virus.... Reformats your hard drive
into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.
Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Pearly Gate Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in. "Follow me." he said, opening the gate and walking in.
After some walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.
Saint Peter was furious. "If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell! Follow me, we're almost there."
After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.
Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Peter is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.
A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off.
"Why is it so god damn cold down here?" Peter asks.
The devil replied, "Well, ever since you sent that new guy down here, I'm afraid to bend over and pick up the firewood!"
Train Ride
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says "I've got a better idea, just for tonight, let's pretend we're married".
The woman thinks for moment. "Why not", she giggles.
"Great!" he replies, "Get your own fucking blanket !"
Can't Believe It
A husband is contempating divorce but has no grounds and does not want to get stuck paying alimony. So he hires a private detective to check on the movements of his wife, maybe he can catch her in an some indecent acts. He wants more than a written report: he wants movies of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returns with a reel of film. They sit down together and proceed to watch it.
Although the quality is less than professional, the man sees his wife meeting another man! He sees the two of them laughing in the park. He sees them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He sees them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He sees a dozen activities shared by both the man and woman with utter glee. Then he sees them enter the man's car and the windows fog up and the car starts shaking.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective says, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"
EINSTEIN'S THEORY OF CAT BEHAVIOUR
LAW OF CAT INERTIA - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
LAW OF CAT MOTION - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION - Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT - A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost
of the furniture.
LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti- matter + It Doesn't Matter.
LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE - As yet undiscovered.
Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior, were promoted from
Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they were out for a walk and Bubba said, "Hey, Junior, there's the NCO Club. Let's me and you stop in and have a drank."
"But we's privates," protested Junior.
"We's sergeants now," said Bubba, pulling him inside. "Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," said Junior.
"You blind, boy?" asked Bubba, pointing at his stripes.
"We's Sergeants now."
So they ordered their drinks and pretty soon a hooker came up to Bubba. "You're kinda cute," she said, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Bubba pulled his friend to the side and whispered, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
Junior went to look it up, came back, and gave Bubba the big okay. Three weeks later Bubba was laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Junior," he said, "What you give me the okay for?"
"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it said gonorrhea only
affects the privates." Then he pointed to his stripes and said, "But we's Sergeants!"
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was
horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words, "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
"Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that
you don't fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' And so, here we are!"
Every 'Hormone Hostage' knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
