Jokes
Jokes Page 24
SIGNS OF OLD AGE...
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bi-focals.
You keep repeating yourself.
Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.
You keep repeating yourself.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is '20 Years Ago Today.'
You keep repeating yourself.
You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, 'Did I wake you?'
You answer a question with, 'Because I said so.'
You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch TV.
You got cable for the Weather Channel.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You keep repeating yourself.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK:
It's an incentive to show up.
It leads to more honest communications.
It reduces complaints about low pay.
Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
It encourages car pooling.
IT Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
It makes fellow employees look better.
It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
It eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
It increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
Sitting "bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
You wouldn't have to worry about your wife being mad when you come home wasted - its your job!
Any sick days taken would be completely genuine.
You can take longer and more frequent bathroom breaks.
A drunk asked where he could find a house of prostitution. He got the right number but remembered it wrong and tried to get into a home where a woman was leaning over the sink washing dishes.
The drunk rushed over, threw her on the floor and began
making love to her.
Her husband, in an adjoining room, heard the ruckus. He
ran to the kitchen, grabbed the drunk and proceeded to beat him to a pulp before throwing him out the door.
The drunk looked up at him from the driveway and said, "Boy, you sure got a lot to learn about running a whorehouse!"
TOP TEN REASONS WHY SANTA CLAUS IS A WOMAN:
10. Men can't pack a bag.
9. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
8. Men don't answer their mail.
7. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened having to be seen with all those elves.
6. Men would refuse to have their physique described as a "bowlful of jelly."
5. Men aren't interested in stockings.
4. Men would get lost in the snow & clouds and refuse to ask for directions.
3. Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would inhibit their
ability to pick up women.
2. All the reindeer would be dead, gutted and strapped on the rear bumper of the sleigh.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON SANTA CLAUS IS A WOMAN......
Christmas requires a commitment!!
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled
across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!
The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.
The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete, how much steel! No! Think of another wish."
The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing,' know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
Two twins, Donny and Johnny, are asked by their parents what they each would like for their 10th birthday.
"I'd like a new bike" says Donny. "Then I could ride around and see everything that happens in the neighborhood".
"And I'd like a radio for my room" says Johnny. "Then I would hear all the news that goes on in town".
So their parents buy them the gifts. Later on that day, Donny is out on his bike when he comes upon a serious car crash. There are bodies and emergency vehicles all over.
"I gotta go tell Mom" says Donny, so he races back to the house and shouts "Mom! There's been a terrible accident!"
"Yeah, yeah" says his brother, "We heard all about it on my new radio."
Donny is disappointed he could not be first with the news, so he leaves on his bike. A little while later, he comes upon a burning orphanage.
"Wow! I gotta go tell Mom."
So he races home again and yells for his Mom, but again Johnny interupts and says "We heard it all on my new radio."
Once again Donny leaves disappointed. He rides and rides until he is out in the country. He sees a big, fat pig all alone in a field, and decides since he
appears to be alone, to fuck the pig. He has his first orgasm and is so excited he thinks "I gotta go tell Mom!"
He races home and yells "Mom, Mom! I lost my virginity!"
His brother says with a sneer, "In a pig's ass you did!"
And Donny says "That FUCKIN' radio!!!"
Sean Connery goes to lunch with his business manager.
He excuses himself to go to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes back, and the front of his pants are all wet.
His business manager says, "Sean, what's the story? Do you need an operation or something?"
Sean Connery says, "No, it's just that every time I go into a public restroom, and I'm taking a piss, the guy next to me always turns towards me and says,
"Hey! Are you Sean Connery?"
Dr. Seuss Goes to Flor-Duh
Can We Count Them with Our Nose?
Can We Count Them with Our Toes?
Should We Count Them With a Band
Should We Count Them All By Hand?
If I Do Not Like The Count,
I Will Simply Throw Them Out.
I Will Not Let This Vote Count Stand
I Do Not Like Them, Al Gore I Am.
Can We Change These Numbers Here?
Can We Change Them, Calm My Fears?
What Do You Mean, Dubya Has Won?
This Is Not Fair, This Is Not Fun
Lets Count Them Upside Down This Time
Let's Count Them Until The State Is Mine!
I Will Not This Vote Count Stand!
I Do Not Like It, Al Gore I Am!
I'm Really Ticked, I'm In A Snit!
You've Not Heard The Last Of It!
I'll Count The Ballots One By One
And Hold Each One Up To The Sun!
I'll Count, Recount, and Count Some More!
You'll Grow To Hate This Little Chore
But I Will Not, Cannot Let This Vote Count Stand!
I Do Not Like It, Al Gore I Am!
I Won't Leave Office, I'm Stayin' Here!
I've Glued My Desk Chair To My Rear!
Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba Too,
All Telling Me That I Should Sue!
We Find The Electoral College Vile!
Recount The Votes Until I Smile.
We Do Not Want This Vote To Stand!
We Do Not Like It, Al Gore I Am!
How Shall We Count This Ballot Box?
Let's Count It Standing In Our Socks!
Shall We Count This One In A Tree?
And Who Shall Count It, You or Me?
We Cannot, Cannot Count Enough!
We Must Stop, We Must Be Tough!
I Do Not Want This Vote To Stand!
I Do Not Like It, Al Gore I Am!
I've Counted Until My Fingers Bleed!
An Still Can't Fulfill My Counting Need!
I'll Count The Tiles On The Floor!
I'll Count, And Count, And Count Some More!
And I Will Not Say That I Am Done!
Until The Counting Says I've Won!
I Will Not Let This Count Stand!
I Do Not Like It, Al Gore I Am!
What's that? What? What Are You Trying To Say?
You Think The Current Count Should Stay?
You Do Not Like My Counting Scheme?
It Makes You Tense, Gives You Bad Dreams?
Foolish People, You're Wrong You'll See!
You're Only Care Should Be For Me!
I WILL NOT LET THIS VOTE COUNT STAND!
I DO NOT LIKE IT, AL GORE I AM!
Private Detective...
From Mac
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his
wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.
He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"
Image is Everything
This guy goes to see the Pope as he was visiting in Europe. There is a huge crowd of people there but he manages to get through. He watches at the Pope stops every once in a while to whisper something in a their
ear. He was dressed in his best suit because he really wanted the Pope to talk to him but, as the Pope came up to him, he walked right by and stopped by a guy near him who was homeless and dressed in rags.
So, the man says to himself, 'I know why he stopped at him, he's homeless!'
So the man pays the homeless guy 50 dollars to use his clothes and he goes back the next day.
Well, this time the Pope stopped at him, leaned over, and whispered, 'I thought I told you to get out of here yesterday!
The Night Of Thanksgiving
Twas The Night Of Thanksgiving, But I Just Couldn't Sleep.
I Tried Counting Backwards, I Tried Counting Sheep.
The Leftovers Beckoned - The Dark Meat And White,
But I Fought The Temptation With All Of My Might.
Tossing And Turning With Anticipation,
The Thought Of A Snack Became Infatuation.
So, I Raced To The Kitchen, Flung Open The Door,
And Gazed At The Fridge, Full Of Goodies Galore.
I Gobbled Up Turkey And Buttered Potatoes,
Pickles And Carrots, Beans And Tomatoes.
I Felt Myself Swelling So Plump And So Round,
'Til All Of A Sudden, I Rose Off The Ground.
I Crashed Through The Ceiling, Floating Into The Sky,
With A Mouthful Of Pudding And A Handful Of Pie.
But, I Managed To Yell As I Soared Past The Trees....
Happy Eating To All - Pass The Cranberries, Please.
May Your Stuffing Be Tasty, May Your Turkey Be Plump.
May Your Potatoes 'N Gravy Have Nary A Lump,
May Your Yams Be Delicious May Your Pies Take The prize,
May Your Thanksgiving Dinner Stay Off Of Your Thighs.
