Jokes
Jokes Page 25
Confucius say...
Man who puts dick in Peanut Butter jar is Fucking Nuts
The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace.
"How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed to war?"
Not surprisingly, all hands went up. The teacher asked, "Who'll give us the reason for being opposed to war?"
A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand.
"Johnny?" the teacher said.
"I hate war," Johnny said, "because wars make history, and I hate History!"
When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels.
"Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."
"You're darn right it wasn't," Sarah said. "And they were the two best towels we had... the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel while we were on vacation."
Strange Feeling
I've had this odd feeling for a little while. Not funny "ha-ha", but funny strange. It's a surrealistically subconscious feeling that I was
abducted by aliens and thoroughly probed. Then a friend of mine told me they got me really drunk and dropped me off at a gay bar.
The bastards.
What makes life 100%?
IF. A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
IS EQUAL TO. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then.
H + A + R + D + W + O + R + K
8 + 1 + 18 + 4 + 23 + 15 + 18 + 11 = 98 % Only
K + N + O + W + L + E + D + G + E
11 + 14 + 15 + 23 + 12 + 5 + 4 + 7 + 5 = 96% Only
But.
A + T + T + I + T + U + D + E
1 + 20 + 20 + 9 + 20 + 21 + 4 + 5 = 100%
So a person with the right ATTITUDE is always a WINNER
Image is Everything
This guy goes to see the Pope as he was visiting in Europe. There is a
huge crowd of people there but he manages to get through. He watches at
the Pope stops every once in a while to whisper something in a their
ear. He was dressed in his best suit because he really wanted the Pope
to talk to him but, as the Pope came up to him, he walked right by and
stopped by a guy near him who was homeless and dressed in rags.
So, the man says to himself, 'I know why he stopped at him, he's
homeless!'
So the man pays the homeless guy 50 dollars to use his clothes and he
goes back the next day.
Well, this time the Pope stopped at him, leaned over, and whispered, 'I
thought I told you to get out of here yesterday!
I was cutting hair one day when a guy comes into my shop with a
bandage around his neck.
I put him in the chair and asked what happened.
In a low raspy voice he said " yesterday I was playing golf with my
mother in law. On the second hold she sliced her ball way over into a
cow-pasture. She REALLY hates to loose a ball so we looked, and we
looked, and we looked. There was no ball in sight. Just an old ugly
cow.
She screamed " I'm not leaving till I find that ball".
After another usless search I passed by the cow and decided "what the
hell" so I lifted the cows tail and sure enough there was a ball stuck
there.
I called my mother in law over and said "Does this look like yours?"
She hit me in the throat with a 7 iron...
How to Truly Impress A Client.
I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks
ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the
corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was
also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft
chairman, introduced myself, and said, 'Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would
do me a favor.'
'Yes?'
'I'm sitting right over there,' pointing to my seat at the bar, 'and I'm
waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she
arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Gerry,'?'
'Sure.'
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten
minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to
talk business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder.
It was Bill Gates.
'Hi, Gerry,' he said.
I replied, 'Fuck off, Gates, I'm in a meeting.'
A forty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed
and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks "Do you have
any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with
you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says "I don't
care. I just came from the doctor and he says I have the
breasts of an 18-year-old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 41-year-old
ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they
are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says,
"Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm
granting you six months to go back to earth and be
anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"
and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and
*poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?", he says.
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry,
but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her
habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the
paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to
her and says....
"No sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline' was
laid by 1,900 men in 6 months."
DORM SHOWER FUN:
1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream
really loudly, exclaiming, "I didn't know I had one of THOSE!"
2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make
sure your clothes get all wet and soapy. Complain when leaving
the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed.
3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.
4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman.
Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luther's
evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake
your head, and proceed to take your shower.
5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower
with you. Exclaim "Ow! You know, it really hurts when you
pop one of those." Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the
drain for all to see.
6. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss it
into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall
return it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them.
The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting
fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.
7. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall
really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks
if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping
Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.
8. Stand in the bathroom, waiting for would-be shower-goers.
When they come in, tell them "not to do it" and ask them
"not to give in to sin." Wail mournfully when they step into
the shower.
9. Initiate a war with the person in the stall next to you.
Use the residual water on the floor as your battle medium,
and float little battleships over to their side. If they kick
them back or throw them over the edge, exclaim that you didn't
know they had the power of God and sheepishly mumble prayers
for the duration of your shower.
10. Bring in a fake finger. Float it down the drainage "ditch."
Ask if someone would be so kind as to return it to you. If no
one does, tell them that the finger has been sacrificed to
Satan and that the shower stalls are now possessed. Hang
Halloween decorations and crepe-paper ghosts from them the
next day.
11. Bang your head against the stall wall, shouting "Redrum!
Redrum!" in your best groggy voice.
12. Bring a Yoo-Hoo chocolate milk drink to the shower with
you. Complain about a stomachache, then moan "Ohhhh, um, uh-oh,"
and squirt the Yoo-Hoo down the drain "ditch" for all to see.
13. Before you turn the shower on, make a noise like you are
charging up a proton pack from Ghostbusters. Before you turn
it off, ask Egon to set the trap up for you.
14. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for
the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall
to the ground as if shot.
15. Bring dead fish into the shower with you. Let them float
down the drainage "ditch", complaining angrily about the quality
of water these days.
16. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls.
Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of
"Old McDonald Had A Farm," making the sound of the animal in
their stall.
17. Turn the stall into a shrine for a pagan god. Call him
Weeshy. Insist that anyone who uses that stall must tithe to
receive his benevolence and glory. If they don't tithe, avoid
them for the rest of your life.
18. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that
the Communists are taking over. Make battle sounds -- including
bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declare
victory. Leave wounded.
19. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.
20. Bring in a bucket, fill it with water, and float a bar of
soap in it. Charge a fee for people to see the Wicked Witch of
the West bathing nude. Threaten anyone who laughs at you with
flying monkeys.
21. Start singing Pavarotti really loud. In the middle, stop,
stutter for a second, and then exclaim "Ohmigosh...do you
know what these words REALLY mean?"
22. Suck on the faucet head until you fill up with water.
Complain that the Seven Chinese Brothers get no respect,
OR pretend to be a fountain.
23. Wet your head, and then sneak into a toilet stall. Flush
the bowl and wait a minute. Walk out of the stall lurching,
complaining about how dizzy you are.
24. Buy a bunch of those tiny animal-pills that expand into
full, spongy shapes when they get wet. Bring them into the
shower and spill them into the ditch. Ask somebody for your
pills back, and when they hand you little animals, scream,
slap them, and run away.
25. Make your best Psycho noise (reeEENT reeEENT...).
26. Try to get everyone in the other stalls to sing in
four-part harmony with you. If this actually works, change
your voice part every three measures.
27. Become a shower-pirate. Loot other stalls of soap, Oxy
pads, and Q-Tips. Bury them under the tile floor. Fire
cannons at people using toilet balls.
28. Bring scuba gear into the shower with you. Talk to
Cousteau. Upon leaving, tell everyone that the Titanic
was actually torpedoed by the Germans. Be cocky.
29. Hum for a couple of moments, stop, make an "Mmmm!"
sound, and then announce to everyone that the mildew on
the shower walls kind of tastes like head cheese.
30. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.
31. Hang "Marisa Cevasco steals Homecoming Queen Crown"
signs in all the stalls. If anyone asks who Marisa Cevasco
is, call them ignorant and ignore them for the rest of
your life.
32. Bring in Sesame Street bath books. Read them aloud.
Giggle every time Bert walks in on Ernie bathing.
33. Stare at people's feet as they bathe. If they do not
wash their feet, tell them to. If this happens a second
time, steal their shoes and tell them that they left on
strike. If they DO wash their feet and fall down while
doing it, laugh hysterically.
34. Stand outside the shower curtain, raise a harpoon,
and shout "I'm coming for you, Moby!" Run in and do
battle with the faucet-head. Walk out a peg leg.
35. Charge a toll for people wanting to use the shower.
If they complain, light them on fire. THEN they'll pay.
One day at school, the topic of the day was, "What part
of your body goes to Heaven first?"
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher saw this and
thought to herself, 'Oh no! Johnny always says something
bad - I'll make sure he's the last one I call on!' So,
instead the teacher calls on Susie.
Susie says, "I think your brain goes to Heaven first
because you have to be smart to go to Heaven."
The teacher congratulated Susie, "That's very good,
Susie!" Then, the teacher calls on Mary.
Mary says, "I think your heart goes to Heaven first
because you have to love to go to Heaven."
The teacher congratulated Mary, "Very good, Mary!"
By this time, Johnny is waving his hand, "Oh, oh, oh!"
The teacher gets ready and says, "Okay, Johnny, it's
your turn."
Johnny gets up and says, "I think your feet go to
Heaven first."
The curious teacher asks, "Well, Johnny, that's very
good! But, why do you suppose your feet go to Heaven
first?"
"Well," replies little Johnny, "last night I walked
into my parent's room, and my mom had her feet in the
air, screaming, 'Oh God, I'm coming, I'm coming!'"
A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.
The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."
"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."
"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.
About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"
"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on
