Jokes
Jokes Page 26
"When do I start my job?"
Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, "What in the world is that?"
Boudreaux says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."
"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99".
Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.
"Der ya go sir," he says.
The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."
Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."
The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."
Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases.
and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?"
Buenos Dias, Mis Amigas y amigos,
When I was in Orlando last week, I was flipping through the channels and came across Telemundo, the all-Spanish channel. Of course, since I'm always on the lookout to broaden my horizons and learn about other cultures, though I don't speak Spanish, I left the TV on that channel so I could drink in the information and revel in the discovery of
new customs and lifestyles of another culture.
Ok, it was a really hot blonde Spanish chick on there with a skirt so short it could have doubled as a napkin.
It was some sort of talk-show thing and she was going on and on about something. The camera went to another view and, sitting beside her, was this HUGE guy. I bet the man weighed 400, maybe 500 pounds (for my international audience, 181 to 226 kg) HUGE. The show was getting ready to go to a break and so the name of the show flashed on the screen:
"El Gordo Y La Flaca."
"Wait a minute," my little brain said, reaching back into the archives for my High School Spanish, "'El Gordo' means 'Fat Guy', so, does 'La Flaca' mean . . . 'Skinny White Chick'?"
If that kind of "truth in labeling" laws ever made it to the United States, the Fox News network would have to be called, "Lots Of Blowhards And Screamers With Some Dumb, But Slinky Blondes Who Cross Their Legs In Front Of The Cameras A Lot."
On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate.
The man said something, and the woman seemed upset.
She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures, which is the equivalent of volume.
Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. The he signed, very small and slowly, "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind."
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's
a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished
but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, 'So
you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but
fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign that we
should meet and be friends and live together in peace
for the rest of our days.'
The man replied, 'I agree with you completely. This
must be a sign!'
The woman continued, 'And look at this, here's another
miracle. My car is completely demolished but this
bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to
drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his
head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap
back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the
police.'
THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 50:
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released
first.
3. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.
9. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room.
14. You sing along with the elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a
manageable size.
20. You can't remember who sent you this!
A man who is concerned about his wife cheating on him wants to catch her in the act. He doesn't have enough money to hire a PI, so he goes to a pet shop. There he asks the clerk if he has a parrot for sale. The clerk shows him the last parrot he has: "This is the last parrot I have for sale. He doesn't have any legs, but he is very smart." The man asks, "If he doesn't have any legs, how does he stay on the perch?" "He holds on with his dick." the clerk answered. The man asks " How much?" "Since he doesn't have any legs, I'll sell him to you for fifty bucks."
The suspicious man purchases the talking bird and takes him home. He sets up the cage in his bedroom where he can see everything; he then instructs the parrot to watch what ever goes on in the room and inform him when he gets home from work.
So the next morning he leaves for work and his wife stays home, as usual. When the man gets home from work, as his wife is cooking supper, he asks the parrot to tell him what went on during the day. The parrot begins, "At eight o'clock this morning the mailman came...."Interrupting the man asks, "Yeah and what happened?" [parrot] “he came in the house..." Furiously, the man asked "And then" [parrot] "...and then he came into the bedroom..." Astounded the man impatiently asks, "What happened next?"
[parrot] "He began to take off his clothes and she hers..." "What happened after that!"
The parrot then replied, "I don't know I sprung a boner and fell off!"
For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. So it wouldn't be a boring project, he chose to find out peoples' favorite pastimes.
The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university.
He knocked on the first door and a man answered.
'Sir, what is your name?' asked the student
'John.' answered the man.
'Sir, I'm doing a school study and would like to know what is your favorite pastime?'
'Watching bubbles in the bath,' Came the reply.
He liked the esoterically answer and continued down the hall, until he came to the next door, when he asked again.
'Sir, what is your name?' asked the student
'Jeff,' answered the man.
'Sir, would you please tell me your favorite pastime?'
'Watching bubbles in the bath,' was the answer.
Quite amused and confused he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and all of them had the same pastime 'watching bubbles in the bath.'
Bewildered, he left the building and walked across the street, where there were several row houses, to continue the survey.
At the first house, he knocked and an attractive college girl opened the door.
The surveyor started again with the question -- 'What is your name?'
She replied, 'Bubbles.'
A homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks.
He'd cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out her window, 'Say, what do you get for yard work?'
The fellow thought for a minute, then answered, 'The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her.'
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true, because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kid's stockings were overflowing, his poorpantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at just anyplace. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've neverbeen in an X-rated store don't go. You'll only confuse yourself.
I was there an hour, saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll, that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck, so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Loveable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge
leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan, and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, and so I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what
remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning, my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house, and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the
family could admire her when they came over for the
traditional Christmas dinner.
My Grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates inmind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room, but Granny was relentless.
"Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas, and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
My Grandfather, a delightful old man, with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gall by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later, I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. No just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might beGrandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat let out a screech, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the
room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair, and wet his pants. Granny threw down hernapkin, stomped out of the room, and went and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to remember. Later, in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to determine the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember from the fireplace to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called
"Duct Tape," we restored her to perfect health.
Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. And Grandpa, I think still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
The eight-year-old was asked by his grandfather. "What's the first thing you notice about a girl?"
The boy, with a knowledge beyond his years, said, "That
all depends on which direction she's facing."
