Jokes
Jokes Page 27
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder
muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute!
Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
A man was telling a friend about a nudist party he'd been invited to. "I rang the bell and the nudist butler opened the door." he stated.
His friend interrupted, "How did you know he was the butler?" "Well, he answered smoothly, I could tell right away that it wasn't the maid."
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"
"I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."
A woman shows how far a sense of humor can go.
She recently left the hospital after losing her vocal cords to cancer. When she returned to work after 3 months one brave fellow joked with her, "Wow, Marlene -- you're every man's dream -- a woman that can't talk!"
Marlene replied, "A MAN?? Good grief, I just got cancer. I don't need a *man* on top of that!"
Being a flooring installer means from time to time I get to meet some really great people, in the comfort of their own homes. More interesting normally are their pets. It's true folks; people do tend to buy animals that resemble the owner. Take a good look at your dog, you'll see it. Probably looks more like your spouse than yourself, right? In any case, we go to this lady's house yesterday - a short plumb woman, a pointy nose, and really course, fine, straight hair cut
neat and short - almost resembling a military cut about 6 months after. Her pet, which she was extremely proud of, was of course.... a gerbil. While my partner was in the back of the house doing his job, I enjoyed her need to entertain in the living room. The gerbil was named Harry, for reasons I won't go into, something about an old boyfriend or ex-husband.. when customers get THIS far into their lives with the guy working in their house, I have to assume they have lost
their minds, and I tune things out as much as possible, giving the occasional nod to keep them thinking I am interested. Turns our Harry can do some pretty interesting tricks.. like push a ball too big to
get into his mouth around the floor. I should have told the lady to get him a smaller ball, he would EAT it - which is exactly what the stupid ass gerbil was trying to do - not play with it. Poor thing was
just trying to get some food, while it's master laughed. It's was a cruel scene, I assure you. Finally Harry gets tired, the pointy nosed lady runs out of things to talk about, and she leaves me alone to
finish my job. A few hours later my partner emerges from the back half of the house, his work is complete. He helps me finish my half, and we get ready to go. The lady walks the house, checking to be sure
things are done, and done to her satisfaction. She discovers a lump under the carpet in the hallway near the living room, she says it wasn't there prior to our installation. I instruct my partner to go get a hammer, and give the lump a good whack. Usually this will take care of anything, including unsatisfied customers. Sure enough, after 8 or 9 good smacks with a big hammer, the lump is gone. All is well, another satisfied customer.
I get back to the shop, to find that my customer is complaining about a black-ish red spot in her hallway.. like ink had been spilled or something. I call her up and ask her if maybe one of the kids had
spilled something, she tells me she has no kids. So, thinking the obvious, I asked he if maybe Harry had gotten into something. "No," she says, "but that is something else I wanted to ask you about. I can't find Harry, ever since you left!"
So off we go, driving back to the Gerbil lady's house. Sure enough, there is a stain in the hallway. Since we use nothing that could do this, and she knows she didn't do it, we go ahead and cut the square out - we are going to take it back to the shop so they analyze it, see what it is. Once I cut the carpet open I found something very, very amazing. If you smack a gerbil under a piece of carpet, it will go flat - and it will look a lot like a strawberry waffle from IHOP.
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.
On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.
A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.
"No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the
last one for myself."
"Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"Thirty-five," she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? ... That's amazing."
Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest.
Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.
As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.
For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.
Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.
The blondes applauded.
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."
Brian from the backseat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!!!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and
Amanpreet's muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
A ladder was placed against the bedroom window of a burning house, and a young fireman rushed up. Inside was a curvy brunette in a see-through nightie. "Aha," said he, "You're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!"
"But I'm not pregnant," indignantly exclaimed the brunette.
"You're not rescued yet either."
I'm was in Florida last week checking out this next article.
Men, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a new drug that is in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to induce their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking news is that the drug is available virtually anywhere!
It goes by the street name "Beer". All girls have to do is buy a "Beer" or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics.
Please! Forward this to everyone you know. There are just too many innocent men out there to leave unaware of the great vulnerability they may have to this insidious liquid.
Did ya hear Billy Clinton is back in Washington DC?
You betcha. The former Prez has a job.
Hillary's hired him to open her mail.
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"
The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."
"What's he stuffed with?" asked the visiting hunter.
"My wife"
