Jokes
Jokes Page 28
A guy took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything."
"Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"
"Uhhh . . . no," the girl replied.
"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"
"N-n-no," the girl stammered.
"You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lot of fun if you're on the level about this."
A guy takes his girlfriend to a football game for the first time.
After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game. “Oh, I really liked it,” she said, “but I just couldn’t understand though why they were killing each other for 25 cents.”
“What do you mean?”
“All they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!”
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Peter. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Peter, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Peter, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
A Pastor had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his
backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor
coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not
come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so
the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car
and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could
then reach up and get the kitten. He did all this,
checking his progress in the car frequently, then
figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree
would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.
But as he moved a little further forward... the rope
broke. The tree went, "boing!" and the kitten instantly
sailed through the air - out of sight. The pastor felt
terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking
people if they'd seen a little kitten. Nobody had seen
a stray kitten. So, he prayed, "Lord, I just commit
this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his
business. A few days later he was at the grocery store,
and met one of his church members. He happened to look
into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food.
Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it,
so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you
hate cats so much?"
She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him
how her little girl had been begging her for a cat,
but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the
child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her
little girl, "Well, if the Lord gives you a cat, I'll
let you keep it." She told the pastor, "I watched my
child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask
the Lord for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't
believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten
suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its
paws spread out, and landed right in front of her."
Men are like.....Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied, and can
keep you up all night long.
Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your
hips.
Men are like.....Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like.....Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up on your butt.
Men are like.....Noodles.
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and
they need dough.
Men are like.....Parking spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are
left are handicapped or extremely small.
Men are like.....Plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or
the bathroom.
Men are like.....Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Snowstorms.
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll
get or how long he will last.
Men are like.....Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.
Men are like.....Vacations.
They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like.....Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. "The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." I felt a little better. Someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday.......and there I sat on the couch.......naked.
5 Tough Questions!
The 5 toughest questions that women ask men and the answers (according to a man). The questions are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.; tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is
analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you. This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you.)
Question 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: YES or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, Yes, dear. Inappropriate responses include:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: Of course not! Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: Of course not! Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is Buy a Corvette. No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not, don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: Yes, I would.
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
