Jokes
Jokes Page 29
This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives him the drink and he drinks it. Then he looks in his shirt pocket and orders another drink. He does the same thing with the second drink and orders a third drink. The bartender pours the drink and says "listen pal I'll buy you drinks all night long if you tell me why you keep looking in your shirt pocket". To this the guy replies "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good I know I've had enough to drink and it's time to go home".
Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine were these words: "Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."
"Why Is A Christmas Tree Better Than A Man"
A Christmas tree is always erect.
Even small ones give satisfaction.
A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
A Christmas tree has cute balls.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? "Do tall people burn slower?"
A man walks up to the front desk in a hotel lobby, he hears something in the background, and suddenly turns around and ends up elbowing a beautiful woman in the breast, very apologetic, he says: "I'm terribly sorry ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, you'll forgive me..." The woman says: "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221!!!"
HOW TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-."
Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice.
You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
Fat clothes.
Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
Eyelash curlers.
The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND....
OTHER WOMEN.
My husband says he leads a dog's life.
Yeah, I guess that's about right. He stays out late, tracks mud across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food -- and, lately, he seems to be shedding...
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: 'Guess who?'
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: 'Guess where!'
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. 'Olympic condoms?', she blurts, 'What makes them so special?'
'There are three colours', he replies, 'Gold, Silver and Bronze.' 'What colour are you going to wear tonight?', she asks cheekily. 'Gold of course', says the man proudly. The wife responds, 'Really, why don't you wear Silver: it would be nice if you came second for a change!'.
The gynecologist thought it would be a good idea to expand his skills in the field of car maintenance and enrolled for a course to be trained as a mechanic. After completing the course, everyone had to take
a practical exam.
When the exam results were posted, the other students were very upset to see that the gynecologist had scored 150% on the practical exam. The examiner was called in to explain the outrageous mark.
'Well sir, I did not know what else I could have given him. This is the first time I have ever seen anyone do a complete engine overhaul through the exhaust.'
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to
purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth.
During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"
With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.
"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."
"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created
everything, including human beings. Little Tommy, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, "Tommy, what's the matter?"
Little Tommy responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm gonna have a wife."
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of
town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he
inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the
switch on and . . . everything else was automatic!
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with
as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was
over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't
remove the instrument from his penis.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful
information. He tried every button on the instrument,
but still without success.
Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's
Customer Service Hot Line. 'Hello, I just bought a
milking machine from your company. It works fantastic,
but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'
'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep, 'the
machine was programmed to release automatically once
it's collected two gallons of milk.'
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over
with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."
The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased -- what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of
her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."
A buddy of ours got married a while back. Drinking and dancing, celebrating the pending Divorce, it was a great reception. More than enough free drinks for everyone ... and plenty left for the clean up
crew. With 100 people drunk out of their minds in their best outfits, this was one party to remember.
Then my buddy calls me up, asking me what I thought about the caterer.
"Kick ass, I said, best caterer I have ever seen."
"What did you think about the food?"
"What food? You had food? I thought all you had was booze!"
He went on to tell me he had just got the bill from the caterer. Being a cheap fuck, he was all concerned about the thing, asking me what I thought was a reasonable fee for drinks as such an event. I said I
a couple a hundred would be about right. Kegs only cost about 50 bucks, a few bottle of Jack another 50, and then the champagne - which could get pricey, but since he didn't SHARE the champagne with the guests,
That it shouldn't have been too costly. 200 bucks, I say, seems good.
This caterer had figured 8 drinks per person, my buddy informs me, and the bar bill came to 3500 bucks.. doing the math, we find this is 35 bucks per person, each getting 8 drinks, that's $4.37 per drink. In
itself, this is not too bad, I say, considering the bachelor party at the titty bar cost me personally just over 3 bills, for 10 guys and a LOT of dollar dances. Multiply times 10, and the catered seems to be
pretty close. "Did you hire the TITTY bar guys to provide the drinks?
I ask, "You did seem to be making a lot of new friends that night."
In any event, I figure that the cost of the drinks had to be MORE than the Titty bar, since out of the 100 people at the reception, not everyone was drinking the way the bachelor party buddies were - we had
to have consumed out 8 drinks each plus some of the other guests as well - so our drinks we pretty cheap, all things considered.
Although Grandma that only had one drink really got ripped off.
Was to turn a man down...
HE. " can I buy you a drink? "
SHE. " Actually I'd rather have the money"
HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!!
HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.
Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams
