Jokes
Jokes Page 30
"Mommy, my turtle is dead," the little boy, Futh, sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.
The mother kissed him on the head, then said," That's all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet.
"Ice cream?" the little boy said, wiping his tears and smiling, "Oh! Boy!"
His mother said, "I don't want you...." Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. "Futh, you're turtle is not dead after all."
"Oh," the disappointed boy said. "Can I kill it?"
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.
"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.
"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.
12 Tips from Junior Employees to Senior Managers on how
to Enhance the Relationship:
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait
until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a
deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a 'rush job,' run in and interrupt
me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That
helps.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're
going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone
asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or
supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn
how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is
good training.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell
me which is the priority. Let me guess.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office
and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks
like that could cost me a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like
my name to be popular in conversation.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't
write them down. If fact, save them until the job is
almost done.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When
you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will
identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you
could really change your life.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has
any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.
A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she spotted a cat crouched behind a bush. She watched the cat, and the cat watched the mice.
Mother mouse barked fiercely, "Woof, woof, woof!" The cat was so terrified that it ran for its life.
Mother mouse turned to her babies and said, "Now, do you understand the value of a second language?"
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
A little girl keeps sucking her thumb and her mom gets worried because sucking your thumb isn't usually good for you.
Her mom says 'If you don't stop sucking your thumb you will blow up like a balloon!'
The little girl stops sucking her thumb and in about a week her mother is happy, but about two weeks after the girl stopped sucking her thumb the girl saw a woman that was pregnant.
She goes up to the lady and says shyly, 'I know what you've been doing.'
You Know You're Getting Older When:
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing cards.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning.
You're still chasing men but can't remember why.
You join a health club, but don't go.
You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
Your mind makes contracts that your body can't keep.
"25 Years Ago Today", is your favorite part of the newspaper.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a cute guy go by.
The little gray haired person who helps you across the street is your man.
You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
A mother was out shopping with her three little girls and baby. Her patience was wearing thin as all the girls called "Mama!" while she tried to shop.
Finally, she said, "I don't want to hear the word MAMA for at least five minutes."
A few seconds went by, then one of the girls tugged on her mom's skirt and said, "Excuse me, miss."
Woman: How can I ever repay you for your kindness and consideration to me?
Man: By check, money order, or cash.
Barbie's Letter To Santa
Dear Santa:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some
changes around here by next Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweat shirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6. A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec.
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years. I think I deserve it.
Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
Mornin', my little Harvard-Bound Student!
Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy. "Come in the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math, and 20 in science."
He loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. Miss a ferry late at night, and you have to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.
So when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.
He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?'
"Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."
On a recent evening a family sat in a darkened theater waiting to see the latest hit movie. As the screen lit up with a flashy ad for the theater's concession stand, they noticed the sound was missing. The unexpected silence continued for several moments. Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the
crowd demanded, "Okay, who's got the remote?"
PASTOR PRIME
The pastor of a big church couldn't get the attention of his members; they were always talking during his sermons. One Sunday morning he came up with the idea that he would say a word and when he smacked his
podium, someone was to stand up and sing the first song that came to mind.
He began his sermon and said 'RIVER,' and slammed his hand on the podium. A little boy stood up and sang, 'We Shall Gather At The River.'
So the pastor continued and said 'GRACE,'
and then slammed his hand down on the podium and a woman stood up and started singing 'Amazing Grace.'
The preacher then continued and said 'SEX,' and then slammed his hand down on the podium. An elderly woman stood up and started singing, 'PRECIOUS MEMORIES HOW THEY LINGER.'
Thomas and Tamara were attending a dinner party so that
Thomas’s mother could meet Tamara for the first time.
Towards the end of the evening, Tamara approached Thomas and asked if there was a problem, as Thomas’s mother seemed to be avoiding her after the introduction.
"Honestly, my dear," Thomas said, "Mother finds you to
be, how should I put it, a bit on the crude side."
"Crude? Doesn’t she know that I come from one of the most respected families in Boston? That I was educated in Europe? That I attended the finest finishing schools on the East Coast? That I attended Vassar, graduating Magna Cum Laud?" Tamara asked.
"Yes, yes, my love, I told her all that," Thomas replied.
"Then where in the fuck does that cunt come off with that crude bullshit?"
A man is at the dentist for a check-up. As the dentist
leans over, he asks, "Well... So you had oral sex this
morning?"
"How did you know?" asks the man, embarrassed but also
amazed at his dentist's perception. "Was it the smell on my breath?"
"No" says the dentist.
"Well, did you see a pubic hair caught in my teeth?" asks the man.
"No" says the dentist.
"Well, what then? How did you know?" asks the man, losing patience.
The dentist says, "There's a little bit of shit on the end of your nose."
Kids Say The Darndest Things # umpteen
'Mom, is this the boss you hate or the one you like?'
'I don't know why you can't stand Grandma's food, I love it.'
'Your friend's not fat Mommy.'
'What's a jack-ass Uncle Larry? I want to be one too.'
'Who's that other person that Daddy keeps blowing kisses to over the phone?'
'The guy that mows the lawn for Mommy is real good, he comes over about three or four times a week.'
'Officer, my Dad wasn't speeding. He never speeds when he's drunk.'
'My mom said I could get some ice-cream if I was a good boy and didn't talk through your boring speech.'
'My mom said not to talk to crazy people.'
YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN...
Your junior prom has a daycare.
You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You let your 12 year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
A guy with a severe stutter applied for a job selling Bibles.
The interviewer believed he'd never make it as a salesman, and was about to tell the guy to look elsewhere for work.
The stutterer begged for the job, "P-p-p-p-p-le-ease
g-gg-g-ive m-m-m-mee a ch-ch-cha-a-ance. I-i-ic-c-can
d-d-d-o i-i-tt."
"Well," the manager said, "OK," he'd give him a few Bibles and the rest of the day to see if he could sell one or two.
By lunchtime, the stutterer was back, having sold all the Bibles. The manager was impressed and asked if he could accompany the stutterer after lunch.
"S-s-sure," said the guy, and later they went out to the streets. They approached a house, and the stutterer went up and knocked on the door. When the homeowner answered, he said, "G-g-g-g-good a-a-a-ftern-n-n-noon, M-m-ma'am. I-i-i'm s-s-s-selling B-b-b-bibles. W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like to b-b-b-buy a B-b-b-b-bbible, or sh-sh-sh-ould I j-j-j-j-ust r-r-read it t-t-t-to you?"
