Jokes
Jokes Page 31
A little boy walked in on his parents having sex. He sees his mom bouncing up and down on his dad, and he says "Mommy, what are you doing?" She said, "Well, daddy's too fat so I thought I'd try to flatten him out." The boy replied, "Why bother, every Tuesday the maid comes over and blows him back up again!"
The Minister's Dentures
The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday after the surgery, he only preached for 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way:
'The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I couldn't stop talking!'
According to the Alaska Department of fish and game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to the historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from
Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a female.
We should have known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table!"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician
found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa...virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia...hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America... fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 58, she is like Europe...exhausted, but still has many points of interest.
5. After 58 she is like Australia...everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn.
EINSTEIN'S THEORY OF CAT BEHAVIOUR
LAW OF CAT INERTIA - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
LAW OF CAT MOTION - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION - Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT - A
cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti- matter + It Doesn't Matter.
LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE - As yet undiscovered.
A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and then bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers!"
A sudden silence descends. After a moment, he asks, "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens. He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on this side of the bar are motherfuckers!" Once again, the bar is silent. He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?"
A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man. The construction worker looks the man square in the eye and says, "You got a problem, buddy?"
"Oh no," insists the man. "I'm just on the wrong side of the bar.
From Tom..
Now I understand why radical Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Just look at their lifestyle:
* No premarital sex.
* No oral sex. Giving or receiving. Never.
* No booze. None. Never.
* No TV. No cable TV. No satellite TV.
* No Spice channel. No Playboy channel. No ESPN. No SPEEDVISION.
* No Hooters.
* No Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.
* No organized one ball sports of any kind. That's right-NO ONE BALL sports.
* Women have to be completely covered and wear veils. No thongs. NO G-STRINGS.
* No Victoria's Secret.
* Very, very, very few cars. Camels. Lots of camels. Stinking, filthy camels.
* Sand. F---ING sand everywhere!
* More sand.
* Ever try to fish at an oasis? No bass boats. No bass. No fish.
* Sandstorms. More F---ING sand everywhere!
* Rags for clothes and hats.
* Camel and goat burgers cooked over burning camel dung chips.
* Eating with your right hand only-because you wipe your A-- with your left hand.
* Constant wailing from the a--hole next door ... no wait, that's music!
* And when you die it's supposed to all get better......
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was
horrified to find her husband in bed with a young,
lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her
husband stopped her with these words:
'Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came
about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking
poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry,
so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you
had forgotten about in the refrigerator.
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your
shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style.
She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater
you never wore even once because the color didn't suit
you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of
yours that you don't fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused
and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife
doesn't use anymore?' And so, here we are!'
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
There's a little boy in Ms. Hill's class named Rodger, and he's a little raunchy. One day Ms. Hill goes, "Would anyone like to guess what's red and round?" Rodger raises his hand and says,” A red ball." "No, it's an apple," says Ms. Hill, "but I like the way you think." Then she says, "What's orange and round?" Rodger says,
"An orange ball." "No, it's an orange, but I like the way you think." Then Rodger says, "I got one for you, Ms. Hill. What's long and pink?" Ms. Hill looks stern and says, "Rodger, that is unacceptable in my class!" Then Rodger says,
"Actually, it's an eraser, but I like the way you think!"
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom,
Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again,
Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony
took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."
A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for today is to each stand up in turn speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed. The first prisoner stands and says, "My name is Daniel and I'm in for murder." Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrongdoing.
The next guy stands up and says, "My name is Mike and I'm in for armed robbery." Again, there is a round of approving looks. This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says, "My name is Luke, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for."
The group leader says, "Now, come on Luke, you have to
admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did."
"Ok then. I'm in for fucking dogs." Everyone is disgusted! They all shout "What??!! How LOW can you get!"
"Well...I did manage do to a dachshund one time, but I
had to lift her back legs up a little," Luke replies.
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
I was speaking to the spirit world the other night and got a collect call from Albert Einstein.
I accepted the call, of course. (I'm afraid I'm going to have one hell of a phone bill.)
I asked Al to explain, once again, his theory of relativity. (You know -- giving him a chance to show off.) He said, "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit next to a pretty girl for an hour and it seems like a
minute. That's relativity."
Al seemed to be in a pensive mood. He asked me how it
was going with AOL. He said he'd been talking to the guys who'd helped put together ENIAC and they all agreed had they known AOL was to be the result, they'd have never shrunk the computer smaller than a couch.
Al said, "Look, two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the universe."
How To Piss Off A Woman (Part I)
In the most romantic setting possible, lean close and
whisper in her ear "Upside down and in the dark all women smell like you."
Use her bra as a slingshot. Tell her it was too small.
Convince her that you're having an affair. Once you've got her thoroughly convinced, say you were just kidding.
Ask why she doesn't fill up with water when she takes a
bath.
Re-arrange the dishes in the cabinets.
Tell her you're thinking about becoming a dairy farmer and you need to practice on her.
Say, "Hell no that dress doesn't make your ass look fat.
You've got a fat ass, that's the problem."
