Jokes
Jokes Page 32
A Cajun was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, 'What be dat?'
The doctor explained, 'This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing.'
'Mon dieu! Save yo time, Doc,' exclaimed the man. 'He don't know nutin now.'
Weight Loss Program
A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the
fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds.
Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed
weight loss program. 'Guaranteed like heck,' he thinks
to himself. 'But lets see what they think they can do.'
He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day,
10 LB weight loss program.
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when
he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous,
athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair
of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She
introduces herself as a representative of the weight
loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you
can have me.' Without a second thought he takes off
after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he
finally catches her and has his way with her. After
they are through he kisses the girl one last time and
thinks to himself with a nod, 'I like the way this
company does business.' For the next two days, the same
girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On
the fourth day, he weigh himself and, sure enough, he
has lost 10 pounds.
Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender
physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he
calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day,
20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20
pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is
intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like
this time.
As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his
door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old
knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a
sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning,
the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She
introduces herself as a representative of the weight
loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you
can have me.' He's out the door like a shot. This gal
is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch
her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and
wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He
is really looking forward to the next four days... For
the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same
thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the
sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has
lost another 20 pounds.
I love this company, he thinks to himself, 'I never
knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.'
Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for
broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound
weight loss program. 'Are you sure, sir?' Asks the
representative on the phone. 'This is our most vigorous
program.' 'Absolutely,' says he, 'I love your program.
Haven't felt this good in years!'
The next day there comes a knock at his door and he
enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a
200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing
but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He
introduces himself as a representative of the weight
loss company. The sign reads, 'If I can catch you, I
can have you.'
Whorehouse Slogans
- More Fuck for your Buck!
- More Honey for your Money!
- More Gash for your Cash!
- More Hole for your Pole!
- More Head for your Bread!
- More Booty for your Looty!
- More Strange for your Change!
- She'll Wear a Collar for a Dollar!
- Will suck for a buck!
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why? " asks the father?
The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said 6 " replies Johnny.
"But that's right!"
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?' "
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
There's a guy hitchhiking along the highway, when along comes an 18-wheeler. It pulls up, and comes to a grinding halt. The hitcher runs to the truck, reaches up, opens the door and jumps in. Inside the truck is the driver, and beside him is his pet monkey.
"Great lookin' monkey, mate" said the hitcher.
"Yeah, he's great company, and he looks after you as well. Take a look at this."
Without further ado, the truckie winds up, and punches the monkey in the guts with all his might. The monkey dutifully bends down, unzips the truckie's fly, goes down and gets to work on the truckie at a vigorous pace. Once the captain of the Kenworth has unloaded his cargo all over the cabin, the monkey wipes him off, zips up his master's fly and sits back down in his seat in the cabin.
"That's GREAT!!!" says the by now quite interested hitchhiker. "Can I have a go??"
The truckie looks across and replies, "Yeah sure, why not?"
"There's only one thing though" says the hitcher.
"What?"
"There's no need to smack me in the guts so hard."
It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing
Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles
around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike
most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people
up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend
to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew
a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for
six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back
and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers
and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
A man had a hobby of hitting lawyers with his car every time one happened to cross his path.
The man sees a priest hitchhiking on the side of the road, so he picks him up and says: "where to father" the priest replies, "the church". On the way, the man sees a lawyer and swerves to hit him, he then remembers he has a priest in the car and tries to miss the lawyer but he still hears a thud.
The man says to the priest: "I'm sorry father, I almost hit that lawyer" the priest says "It's ok, I got him with the door"
Walking up to the bar and ordering a double, the man
leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so
ticked off!"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to
her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into
bed and we were just about to make love when her damn
husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated,"
the customer went on. "When her husband came into the
room, he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me
just take a leak.' And the lazy son of a bitch urinated
out the window right onto my head."
"Yuck!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're
in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my damn forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. What really ticked me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his butt out the window and let loose right on my head!"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you
know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY ticked me off? When I
looked down, I noticed that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"
A fellow walks into the bar and orders 10 Shiner beers.
The barmaid asks, "You want those on a bucket with some
ice?"
"No. Just hand 'em here." he replies.
By the time she has the second bottle out of the cooler, uncapped, and wiped off, he has finished the first and slammed the empty down on the bar. This continues for the next eight beers. When he's finished, the barmaid looks at him in awe. "I've never seen anyone drink that much that fast"
"Well, you'd drink fast too if you had what I've got."
Nervously she asks, "What have you got."
Digging into his pants, he replies, "Oh, about $1.35."
Diary of a Snow Shoveler
December 8: 6:00 PM.
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt
like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have
so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the
life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Explorer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate
her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing
hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another
shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think he's is lying.
December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she ... nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I
think she's lying.
December 24: <.div>
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch that guy who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his hair. I know he hides
around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the snowplow.
December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the #$%&*!! slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over
the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26:
Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. SHE is driving me crazy!!!
December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30:
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. Another 9" predicted.
December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma,'where's Mom and dad?' and she replied, 'they're up in bed ' so the little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play.
Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma 'where's Mom and dad?' and she replied 'they're still up in bed ' and the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play.
Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma 'where's Mom and dad?' and his grandmother replied 'they're still up in bed' and the little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked 'what's wrong? every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here? The little boy replied, 'well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue instead.'
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