Jokes
Jokes Page 33
This guy goes to the doctor due to a wicked headache that's been hanging around for over a week. He asks the doc if he could provide something to make it go away. The doc has just purchased a new diagnostic machine (similar to those used to diagnose car problems, except this one diagnoses humans), and he's been dying to try it out on his first patient. He says to the guy "not only will this thing tell you what's wrong with you, but it will even prescribe a remedy. All you need to do is provide a urine sample, which I will then pour into this funnel at the top. The guy does as instructed, the doc pours the sample into the analyzer, then after about 20 seconds of beeping noises, buzzing, and flashing lights the machine spits out a piece of paper into the bottom tray. The doc picks up the paper, reads it, and then says, "you have tennis elbow". The guy says, "that doesn't make sense. I don't even play tennis, and my elbow feels fine. My head on the other hand is fucking killing me..." At this point the doc interrupts and says, "nonsense, this device doesn't lie. I want you to go home and soak that elbow overnight and then come back and see me tomorrow morning, and don't forget to bring another urine sample with you." The guy leaves, but on the way home decides that this doctor is full of shit. He then has an idea. Once home, he finds a mason jar and deposits a small urine sample into it. He then gets his wife, daughter, and dog to also make a contribution. Not satisfied with this he scrapes some oil off the garage floor under where his car is parked and drops that into the mix, and for the icing on the cake he chokes his chicken long enough to get the desired results, drops that into the jar, seals the lid, and then gives the concoction a good shake. "There ya go, doc. Stick that up your computer!" Next A.M. he hands the doc the jar. Doc pours the contents into the machine. This time it takes a full 10 minutes for the paper to drop. Doc picks it up and begins reading: "Your wife's pregnant, your daughter's fucking the entire football team at Richmond High, your Doberman has rabies, your Volvo needs an oil change, and if you don't quit spanking your monkey you'll never get rid of this tennis elbow!"
Adolf Hitler was conducting a General Staff meeting, when somebody sneezed.
"Who vas zat!?" shouted Hitler, whirling around from a wall map of Europe. Nobody said anything.
"I see," he said, "I vill haff 10 of you shot. Und maybe zen you vill tell me who schneezed, ja?" A Gestapo agent took 10 people out of the room. Shots were heard, then silence.
"I vill ask again," yelled Hitler, "who schneezed?" Again, nobody said anything.
"Very vell," he said, "I vill haff anosser 10 of you shot!" The Gestapo agent escorted 10 more people out of the room and executed them.
"For ze very last time," screamed Hitler, "who schneezed?"
Finally the guilty officer could stand no more. He stood up and said, "It vas me, my Führer. I am ze vun who schneezed."
Hitler slowly approached the shaking officer and said,
"Gesundheit."
'Twas the Night before Christmas, And Santa's Pissed
Twas the night before Christmas
old Santa was pissed,
He cussd out the elves
and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats,
Ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind,
To scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass
for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" what do I hear..
The old lady bitches
cause I work late at night
the elves want more money
And the reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk
and goosed all the maids.
Donner is Pregnant
Vixon has AIDS
And just when I thought
That things would get better,
The IRS,
They sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes,
If that aint damn funny..
Who the hell ever
Sent Santa any money?
And the kids these days,
They all are the pits.
They want the impossible,
Those mean little shits.
I spent a whole year
Making wagons and sleds
with no request for them
They want computers and Robots,
They think I am IBM
If you think that is bad
Picture this..
Try holding those brats
with their pants full of piss.
They pull on my nose,
They grab at my beard
And if I don't smile,
The parents think I'm weird
Flying through the air,
Dodging the trees.
Falling down chimneys
And skinning my knees.
I quit this job,
There is just no enjoyment
I'm going to sit on my fat ass
And collect unemployment
There is NO Christmas this year
Now you know the reason
I found me a blonde
and heading SOUTH for the season....
Sherry meets up with Jill as she is picking her car up from the mechanic.
Sherry asks, 'Everything okay with your car now?'
Jill replies, 'Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was $12 worth of blinker fluid.'
Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial.
After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years: I wonder how the girls are doing?"
Three men die in a car accident Christmas eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something Christmassy.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a Christmas card, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture , St. Peter asks "how do these represent Christmas?"
He answered, "they're Carol's."
It was Christmas Eve and a woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
He asked her what it was she told him that she had visited the tattoo parlor that day and on the inside of one leg she had "Merry Christmas" tattooed, and on the inside of the other one she had "Happy New Year."
Her husband asked her what all that meant and her reply was, Well, now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"
A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby. The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'What will you name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong.'
Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while.
'You understand it now?' Mommy asks.
'Yes,' replies her daughter.
'Do you still have any questions?'
'Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?'
'In exactly the same way as with babies.'
'Wow!' the girl exclaims. 'My daddy can do ANYTHING!'
The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his
friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.
In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from
a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they
were given!"
Five reasons not to be a penis:
1) Your head is bald forever.
2) You live between two nuts.
3) An asshole lives behind you.
4) Your best mate’s a cunt.
5) When you get excited, you get sick and then faint.
Two church members were going door to door. They
knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.
She tried again, really put her back into the job, and
slammed the door again.
Same results. The door bounced back like it was made of Silly Putty.
Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking
a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would teach them a lesson.
Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."
The child comes home from his first day at school.
His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back
tomorrow."
Two novice hunters were dragging a deer back to their
truck. Another hunter happened by and said, "I don't
want to tell you what to do, but it's easier if you drag the deer in the other direction so the antlers don't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it
his way. After a while, one said to the other, "Man,
that guy was totally right. This is easier."
"Yeah," the other replied, "but we keep getting farther
and farther away from the truck."
The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money.
He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the
pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked
her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a rather large building; they were amazed by everything they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.
The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw."
A guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold, it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared.
This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.
"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates," says the guy.
The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy
told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp, he learned that Bill Gates was indeed, the richest man in the world.
"Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish?"
"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile."
"That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and the best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.
The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl--nah,
with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had
become a girl magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy could not find anything that warranted using his third and last.
"Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later?"
"Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, and I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.
The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so-valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns on the radio to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.
After that, he pulls off the beach and heads south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he's up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy is so happy that he begins to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.
"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener...."
