Jokes
Jokes Page 34
Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully chats up an attractive female, and they go back to her place. 'You can't make any noise,' she warns him. 'My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us!'
Things start getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol gets the better of the man's bladder. 'I have to go,' he says. 'Well you can't go upstairs, it's right next to my parents' bedroom,' she replies. 'Use the kitchen sink'.
So he dutifully retires to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he pops his head round the door and asks, 'Do you have any paper?'
WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU NEED A NEW DOCTOR
The patient before you was a goat.
Instead of anesthetic he has you watch PBS.
He has an assistant named Igor.
The local bar association named him "Client of the Year."
Whenever he leaves the room his nurse makes duck noises.
During surgery he has to keep repeating that "thigh bone connected to the knee bone" song.
Mike Wallace and a film crew are hanging out in his waiting room.
He asks you to turn your head and cough during an eye exam.
You can beat him in a game of Operation.
All his Medical books are from the Time-Life "Do-it-Yourself Series."
He has an office sharing arrangement with a mortician.
You Think A Gallon Of Gas Is Expensive?
This makes one think, and puts things in perspective.
Diet Snapple 16oz $1.29 - $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16oz $1.19 - $9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20oz $1.59 - $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16oz $1.25 - $10 .00 per gallon
BrakeFluid 12oz $3.15 - $33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6oz $8.35 - $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4oz $3.85 - $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7oz $1.39 - $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5oz $0.99 - $84.48 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER......
Evian water 9oz for $1.49 - $21.19 per gallon $21.19 FOR WATER!
...and the buyers don't even know the source.
So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil, or Scope, or Whiteout.
Seeing the Future
Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
'There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.'
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
'Will I be acquitted?'
Blowjob Etiquette (by a female)
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the
future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good
at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."
A Man's thoughts on Fellatio AKA Rebuttal Etiquette (by a male)
1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be
"sound asleep."
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
The Sex Life of a Man
When the Creator was making the world and all its inhabitants, he called man aside.
I'm bestowing upon you," the Creator said, "twenty years of active sexlife."
Man was dismayed. "Only twenty years?" he protested.
"Great One, that isn't enough. Can't you add a few more years?"
But the Creator shook his head. It was twenty years or nothing, so man > glumly sat down.
The monkey was called forth. He was offered twenty years of active sex life too.
But, the monkey suggested humbly that ten years would be quite enough, since he seldom lived longer than that anyway.
Immediately the man leaped up. "Can I have your extra ten years?" he cried excitedly.
"Of course," said the monkey graciously.
The lion was then called forth and the Creator made the same offer.
He shook his mane. "Mighty One," he roared, "I'm a monogamous animal: therefore, ten years will be
enough for me."
Again, the man stood up. "Can I have the lion's share also?" he asked eagerly.
Both the lion and the Creator agreed, and the man sat down elated.
The donkey was then called up, but when the Creator offered him twenty years, he balked.
"Sire," he brayed, "I want to reserve some time for eating sweet clover.
Ten years is ample time for me."
The Creator nodded, then turned and looked at man.
"I suppose you want his ten years as well?" Man smirked and nodded.
"So be it," said the Creator and turned away.
And that is how it came to pass that man has twenty years of active sex life, ten years of
monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten
years of making an ass of himself.
How Sex Began!
In the garden of Eden,
As everyone Knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.
In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's.
Nevertheless to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.
At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.
And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
Started to rise.
They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.
Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.
The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
Was all wet inside.
The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.
School Penis
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the offender, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, Larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words......
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
CHILDREN SHORTS...
Trying to dress an active little one is like trying to
thread a sewing machine while it's running.
There are only two things a child will share willingly:
communicable diseases and their mother's age.
Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like
trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.
An alarm clock is a device for waking people up who don't have small kids.
Shouting to make your kids obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results!
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
An airplane was about to crash and there were 5 passengers left, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, Bill Clinton said, "I am President of the United States and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc." So he takes the first parachute
and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger said, "I'm Antoine Walker, one the best NBA Basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me so I can't afford to die." So he takes the second parachute and leaves the plane.
The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the President of the United States, a soon to be New York Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world." So she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.
The fourth passenger, Pope John Paul the second, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old boy scout, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you take the last parachute."
The Boy Scout said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. The world's smartest woman took my backpack."
