Jokes
Jokes Page 37
The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.
She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes. For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string. This time the applause went for 10
minutes. The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.
For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes
backstage.
The Major asks her, 'What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?'
She replied with a wicked smile, 'Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?'
Three men met at a party, and it wasn't long until the
conversation got around to their line of work and what kind of cars they drove.
'I'm a veterinarian,' said the first fellow, 'so, naturally, I drive a white 'Vette.'
As they smiled and nodded, the second man said, 'I own a sign company, so I drive a purple Neon.'
Now the third guy was suddenly quiet until he was egged on by the other two. 'Well', he finally said, 'I'm a proctologist...and I have a brown
Probe.'
The old car's lease is up and the new car has that OnStar gadget in it. While it's kind of reassuring to know that if the airbag deploys (for whatever reason) they know the *exact* location of the vehicle and can dispatch an emergency vehicle.
On the other hand, it's a little disconcerting to tap the OnStar button and be greeted with:
"Good morning, Mr. Owens, we see you're driving south on Sunbury Road. By the way, how's that embarrassing rash coming along? Our seat sensors indicate that it might be time to lose those holiday pounds -- those December '87 holiday pounds. And our under the arm seatbelt attachment says it's time to switch to something a little stronger than 'Secret for Women.'"
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked
on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them.
She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said: "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."
My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her faith and lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and say, "Praise the Lord!"
Her next door neighbor would shout back, "There ain't no Lord!"
During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the
neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door.
The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and,
seeing the groceries, said, "Praise the Lord!"
The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, "I brought those groceries, and there ain't no Lord."
Grandmother replied, "Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it."
A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage? The mother promptly threw a
wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down picking the dough up with her vagina.
"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.
So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.
While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.
Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away. "What's wrong, honey?" she asked.
He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"
TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:
* Pass My Shotgun
* Psychotic Mood Shift
* Perpetual Munching Spree
* Puffy Mid-Section
* People Make Me Sick
* Provide Me with Sweets
* Pardon My Sobbing
* Pimples May Surface
* Pass My Sweatpants
* Pissy Mood Syndrome
* Plainly; Men Suck
* Pack My Stuff
* Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.
They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced
it one last time.
The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"
Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole.
The male teacher in a girls' school asked the science class: "Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?"
Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. She said: "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal." The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.
Lily put up her hand. "Yes, Lily?"
"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."
"Very good. Thanks, Lily," said the male teacher. He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: "Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: First, you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And thirdly, I fear, one day, you are going to be sadly disappointed."
The Speeding Ticket . . .
A police officer pulls a lady over for speeding, and has the following exchange:
Officer: 'May I see your driver's license?'
Driver: 'I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.'
Officer: 'May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?'
Driver: 'It's not my car. I stole it.'
Officer: 'The car is stolen?'
Driver: 'That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.'
Officer: 'There's a gun in the glove box?'
Driver: 'Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the guy that owns this car and stuffed him in the trunk.'
Officer: 'There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?'
Driver: 'Yes, sir.'
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: 'Ma'am, can I see your license?'
Driver: 'Sure. Here it is.' It was valid.
Captain: 'Who's car is this?'
Driver: 'It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.' The driver owned the car.
Captain: 'Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?'
Driver: 'Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.' Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: 'Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.'
Driver: 'No problem.' Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: 'I don't understand. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk?'
Driver: 'Yeah, I'll bet that lying Son-of-a-Bitch told you I was speeding, too!'
One day a teacher told her student's to make a sentence using the math terms add, subtract, divide, multiply. When time was over she called on a student named Johnny he said this is the process of having sex. He said, first you add the bed, subtract the clothes, a divide the legs and hope you don't multiply.
There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.
The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me.
"When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.
"I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison ..."
