Jokes
Jokes Page 38
COCKPIT
A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight
number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. - OH MY GOD!'
Silence.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I an so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the
hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in Coach said: 'That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!'
Off at college, the student has gone through all of his
allowance.
He calls his Dad. "Dad, you're not going to believe what they can do here. They've got a program that'll teach Fido how to talk. All you've got to do is send Fido along with $1,000!"
Dad's pretty excited by this, so the next day he ships Fido and a grand in cash to his son at the University.
About 2/3 of the way thru the semester, he's out of money again. So, once again, he gets Dad on the phone.
"How's Fido doing?" Dad asks
"He's doing GREAT. Talking up a storm! But you won't believe this - Fido's had such great results, they've instituted a program just for him to learn how to READ."
"Amazing! What do I need to do?"
"Just send $2,500 and I'll make sure Fido gets in the class."
Once again, within a couple of days, the student had money to spend.
Sure enough, though, the end of the semester comes. The
boy is facing the time when he has to go home and, naturally, Fido can't speak or read a single word. So he just shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his dad asks, "So, where's Fido? I can't wait to hear him talk to and listen to him read something!"
"Well, Dad, there's a problem. I have some bad news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the paper as he does now. He turned to me and said, 'Hey, your daddy still messing around with that cute little redhead over on Oak Street?'"
The father says, "Oh, shit. I hope you SHOT that lying son of a bitch!"
"I sure did, Dad."
"That's my boy!"
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a large sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and read it and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack - and died.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti,
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - two with sausage and
meatballs, two without."
======== 10 Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer =========
10. When they ask 'How are you today?' Tell them! 'I'm
so glad you asked because no one these days seems to
care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is
acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...'
9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask
them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the
company name. Then ask them where it is located.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions
about their company for as long as necessary.
8. Cry out in surprise, 'Judy! Is that you? Oh my
gosh, Judy, how have you been?' Hopefully, this will
give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to
figure out where the heck she could know you from.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the
Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice
as you can, 'I don't have any friends ... would you be
my friend?'
6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just
filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some
money.
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on 'home
incarceration' and ask if they could bring you a case
of beer and some chips.
4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask
him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered,
tell them that you could not just give your credit
card number to a complete stranger.
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment
and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone
number so you can call them back. When the
telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their
home number, you say, 'Ok, and since I didn't give you MY home number, we'll be EVEN when you take me off YOUR list.'
2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon,
playing a joke. 'Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously,
Leon, how's your momma?'
And first and foremost:
1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to
write EVERY WORD down.
WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REAL JOBS:
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role
model: "I wan all them kids to do what I do, to look
up to me. I wan all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about
the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or
1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd
run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt
Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over
Joe's Mom, too."
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his
coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets
us wear earrings."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann,
1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Senior basketball player at the University of
Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter
how long it takes."
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You
guys line up alphabetically by height." And "You guys
pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up
again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect
him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three
years, not Princeton."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining
why he keeps a color photo of himself above his
locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name,
I can still find my clothes."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan
training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a
guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning
regardless of what time it is."
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player,
explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared
nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby,
and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an
aunt."
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance
or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't
care.'"
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M,
recounting what he told a player who received four F's
and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too
much time on one subject."
Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why
he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips
responded: "Because she is too dadgum ugly to kiss
good-bye."
These three women were sitting around one night talking
about their boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on kinds of soda.
The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom Mountain Dew
because he is as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!"
The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce 7-Up because he has Seven inches and it is always up!"
The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man Jack Daniels."
The other two women responded: "Jack Daniels? But that's a hard liquor."
The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!"
A farmer had three sons. One day his oldest came to him
and said that since he was graduating from high school,
he would really like to get a car.
His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the
barn and pointed to the tractor and said, "This tractor
is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's
paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too
happy but was understanding.
A week later, his second son approached him wanting a
motorcycle. "Well," the father said, "as soon as the
tractor is paid for we'll see about getting you your
scooter."
Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike.
Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father's explanation, saw the farm rooster doing it's rooster duty with one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hen's back, mumbling to himself.
His dad asked, "Son, now why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to deserve that."
The third son replied, "Hey, nobody around here rides
anything until that tractor gets paid off!"
