Jokes Page 4
He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said... You wear briefs, don't you?
He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said... Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
She said... What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault... I ran out of money.
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said... Well, you succeeded.
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said... I would, but you're never there.
He said... Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said... That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
'You know you're a redneck when ...'
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.
Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your grandmother has 'Ammo' on her Christmas list.
You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
Your father executes the 'Pull my finger' trick during Christmas dinner.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it,
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.
Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.
You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. You've asked the preacher 'How's it hangin'?'
You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
An old man and woman were married for years even though
they hated each other. When they had a confrontation,
screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most: "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the
funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife
went straight to the local bar and began to party as if
there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
"Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old fart
dig. I had him buried upside down."
Bob Hope was on 'Surprise Surprise', and bragged that
despite his 97 years of age, he could still have sex
three times a night. After the show, Cilla said, "Bob,
if I'm not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with
an older man. Let's go back to my place."
So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Bob says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for a half hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand."
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even
better sex. Then Bob says, "Cilla, that was wonderful.
But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand."
Cilla is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once its all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Cilla asks, "Bob, tell me, does my holding your testicles in my left hand and your penis in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?"
Bob replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a Scouser, she stole my wallet."
After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asked, "Are these time release pills?"
The pharmacist replied, "Yes. They begin to work after your check clears."
Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects from the eyeball to the asshole? It's called the anal optic nerve. It's responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.
Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
The lady asked, "What's that?"
"A condom," the other lady responded. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
"Where did you get it?" the other lady asked.
"You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, the first lady hobbled herself down to the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
"It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender-"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is a blonde, the bouncer is a blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, " Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting.There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy... any guy who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!"
Rick Sloan is sitting on an airplane next to a woman.
An hour into the flight, he pulls out a filthy men's
magazine and starts to read it. After a little while
he removes his hat. Then he takes off his leather gloves. Then he unzips his pants and pulls them down and removes his underwear and proceeds to give himself a hand job until he climaxes.
Afterwards, he puts away the magazine, pulls his pants
back on, zips them up, and puts his gloves and hat back
on until he is completely dressed again.
The lady sitting next to him has been watching the whole thing and notices the man taking out a cigarette.
He turns to her and asks, "You wouldn't be offended if I smoke, would you?"
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had
some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large
empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They
agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a
box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook
the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then a student then took the jar which the other
students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is: No matter how full your life
is, there is always room for beer.
