Jokes Page 5
SOME DEEP THOUGHTS FROM READERS:
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dogs face it gets mad at you but when you take the dog in a car it sticks its head out the window?
Sometimes...when you cry, no one sees your tears. Sometimes...when you are happy, no one sees your smile. But fart just one time....
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments!
Why is it that if someone tells you that there is 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint on it you will have to touch it to be sure!
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE.
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
THE F-WORD STYLEGUIDE:
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love and hate.
In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).
It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a
passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary).
It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck."
Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust "Fuck me."
7. Confusion "What the fuck.......?"
8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"
9. Despair "Fucked again..."
10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."
11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
12. Lost "Where the fuck are we."
13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
21. Directions "Fuck off."
22. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"
It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a
fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."
It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!"
It has also been used by many notable people throughout
history:
"What the fuck was that?"
Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"
General Custer
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
Captain of the Titanic
"That's not a real fucking gun."
John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?"
Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll."
Anne Boleyn
"It's someone's 100th fucking birthday today!"
Willard Scott
"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!"
Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?"
Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?"
Michaelangelo
"Fuck a duck."
Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!"
Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?"
Joan of Arc
"She wants how much fucking money?!?!?"
Donald Trump
"Look! Almost every fucking kernel popped!"
Orville ReddenbacherOrville Reddenbacher
Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders. Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."
The Three Worst Torture Tests Known to Man
A starving man has been walking through the woods for
days. He has no food, and no shelter. As he is walking
he comes upon an old house. Glad to finally see some
civilization he runs to the door and raps on it loudly.
An old man answers. The starving man asks the old man
if he will give him shelter and food for the night.
Saying that he will be gone in the morning. The old man
agrees, saying that he can stay on one condition only.
He must not go any where near his granddaughter. If he
does, he will regret it greatly. The starving man
agrees...after all, what kind of girl would live so far
out in the woods?
That night at the supper table the man and the
granddaughter can't keep their eyes off each other.
They decide to meet up later on. And when they do, it's
like nothing either of them have ever experienced
before.
The next morning the man suddenly wakes up in his own
room because he feels a heavy weight on his chest. He
looks down and see's a rock sitting there. On it, it
says 'First Worst Torture Test Known to Man--Rock on
Chest.' The man laughs and thinks, is this all? This is
going to be easy. So he gets out of bed, and throws the
rock out the window. As the rock is hurtling toward the
ground below he notice's another note stuck to the
other side of the rock it reads 'Second Worst Torture
Test Known to Man--Rock Tied to Left Testicle.' In a
panic the man tries to reach for the rock, realizing
that it is too far out the window to catch, he decides
to jump out after it. On his way down, the man see's a
third note taped to the side of the building, it reads
'Third Worst Torture Test Known to Man--Right Testicle
tied to bedpost.'
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.
The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks, "What does a priest know of sex?"
He goes to minister, an experienced married man, for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply, "Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!"
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate
authority - a man of thousands of years tradition and
knowledge: A Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."
Things We Learn From the Movies:
During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman; but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Cars that crash will invariably burst into flames.
Stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts, so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.
If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.
Laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of an invading alien civilization.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.
All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
When they are alone, foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
If you are a hero, you never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by your actions.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
You can tell if somebody is British because he will be wearing a bow tie.
When driving a car, it is normal to look not at the road but rather at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
Taxi drivers don't require exact or even approximate payment - the first bill you pull from your pocket is always correct.
Having a job of any kind will make a father forget his son's eighth birthday.
Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before retirement.
The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their
captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.
