Jokes Page 6
REJECTED HALLMARK CARDS ! !
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.
My tire was thumping...
I thought it was flat ...
when I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat...Sorry!
You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends ...
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.
You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff!
Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy
THE HAMSTER STORY:
Read the HTML version here: http://www.mcnjeni.com/temp/hamster
(It's better in full living color!)
If you have raised kids, and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!!!
Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"Oldest trick in the book, son," I informed him. "You go in to see what's wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and escape." "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do. Call the professional.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what did you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience!" I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great!" what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
"Well, when my parents' dogs had puppies, I took them up to the grocery store in a cardboard box and gave them away," I recalled.
"So what are you going to do, go up with a pair of tweezers so people can pick out their hamster?" she asked. (Gotta love her!)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"A breech birth," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried again, with the same results.
"Should I dial 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with my females?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I
don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is "of her womb", for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, an epidermal?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, male hamsters will, master, er, er, ah..." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just ... just...Excited?" my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.
Then my viscous, cruel woman started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless Manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "Just ... that ... I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its ... teeny little ... " she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter as I gave her a dirty look.
(And women have the gall to go though the marriage ceremony with a straight face!)
MORE EMBARRASSING MOMENTS...
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls.'
SUNDAY MORNING RITUAL
One Sunday morning a young lady is out shopping when she receives a call notifying her that her Grandfather had died. She immediately races over to visit her Grandmother..
"Grandma," she sobs, "how did it happen? Grandfather seemed so healthy and full of the joy of living when I last saw him and now barely two days later he's dead."
"Well", replies the old lady, "the truth is he had a heart attack while we were having sex this morning."
"Sex! He was having sex at the age of 94?! isn't that asking for trouble?"
"Oh no." Granny replied "You see we had a routine every Sunday morning. we used to keep time with the church bells coming from a church around the
corner. In with the "dings", out with the "dongs." She paused for a moment to wipe her eyes.
"And if it wasn't for that damn ice cream truck, your Grandfather would still be alive today."
DOCS vs. THE ATTORNEY
Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.
The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one, too."
Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the
plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
"As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight
attendant gave the passengers the usual information
regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit
back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith
Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination."
Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did I
hear her right? Is the captain a woman? I think I better have scotch and soda."
When the attendant came by with drink cart, he said,
"Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew
is female."
"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and
sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up
there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit......"
A guy hands a doctor a note that says, "Dear Doc, I have totally lost the ability to speak. Can you help me?"
The doctor says, "No problem. Take out your penis and put it on that table."
The guy does it. The doctor takes a little rubber mallet, and smashes! the guy's dick.
The guy goes, "Ahhh!"
The doctor says, "Very good. Come back tomorrow, and we'll start on the B's."
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.
Suddenly he got up and left the room.
As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing you on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just co-operate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you."
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right; he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."
There was a bar advertising a contest and a man walked in to find out what the contest was for. The bartender said it is for anyone who could make my horse laugh wins fifty dollars. So the man asked where the horse was the bartender said out back in the barn. The man went out to the barn when he returned he told the bartender the horse was laughing the bartender went out and sure enough the horse was. About a month later the same man was passing the bar and they were having another contest and the man wanted to see what it was so he went in. The bartender said the horse had not stopped laughing since he was last there. The new contest was for who could make him stop got 100 dollars. The man went to the barn and came back and told the bartender that the horse was crying and the bartender went to check. When he returned he paid the man and asked how he had done that. The man replied that the first time I told the horse I had a bigger dick than he did, the second time I proved it.
