Jokes Page 7
It was the final exam for an English course at a university. Like most freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted
and the student would fail. Thirty minutes into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes, I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the students filed up and handed their exams in. All except the late student, who continued writing. Half an hour later, he finally came up to the professor's desk and attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets.
"No you don't! I am not going to accept that! It's late!"
The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact, I don't," replied the professor sarcastically.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good!" replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
Little Johnny was 7 years old and, like other boys his
age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit
about courting from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took the question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did.
The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to
his mother:
Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then
he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside
his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and
stood there, about 10 inches long, honest. Anyway, he
grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got
big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they
wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.
After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great
sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped
up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a
35-minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew
it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet. He got dressed and said bye to 'Sis and then she went to bed.
Three turtles, Joe, Steve and Raymond, decide to go on
a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with beer and
sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles
away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe
takes out the sandwiches and then the beers, one by one, and says, "Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring the bottle opener," Steve says. "I thought you packed it."
Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. "Raymond, do you
have the bottle opener?"
Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are
stuck ten miles away from home without beer.
Joe and Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.
Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise
is a promise.
After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.
"NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised."
Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably
skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.
But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from
behind a rock, and says, "I knew it! I'm not fucking going!"
BECAUSE I'M A MAN...
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where
to start.' We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You NEVER get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- I mean, how could he know where we're going?
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm
thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom, too!
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't like it.
Because I'm a man, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 2000's, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
This has been a public service message for women, to better understand the Male Animal.
, THE PENIS, HEREBY REQUEST A RAISE IN SALARY FOR THE
FOLLOWING REASONS:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I work headfirst.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I don’t get overtime or shift penalties.
I work in a dark place that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
RESPONSE FROM MANAGEMENT:
After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your allocated position and often visit other areas.
You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don’t always observe safety measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits.
You don’t wait till pension age before retiring.
You don’t like working double shifts.
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day’s work.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly
entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices
this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts. Making sure she goes through his line, she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady."
They no sooner get out of the store when she again leans over and whispers, "You know, I have an itchy pussy."
To which he responds, "You'll have to point it out lady, all those Japanese cars look alike to me!"
A man on a business trip is looking for a little action. So he picked up a Chinese hooker and took her back to his hotel. While having sex she was screaming OMWA OMWA!! He did not speak Chinese so he kept on going he wanted to get his $3.00 worth.
The next day he chilled out and went for a game of golf with this Chinese worker. He took a big swing and hit the golf ball as hard as he could.
The Chinese man said in a sad voice "OMWA" the guy looked at him strangely and asked: "what does that mean?" The Chinese man then said: "you have got it in the wrong hole"
